Adjustment phase when you finally move over?

So I've been here about 3 weeks now. It's not been the smoothest of transitions. Lots of bickering back and forth between DH and I. Anyone else go through this? I am sure its the stress of the relocation, stress for me not having ANY idea what I am going to do for work and all that. Tell me this is normal (for some people?)

It is very, very normal for someone who has moved here to go through an adjustment period. We all have to adjust!

And, everyones adjustment period is different.

And none of them are right or wrong - just individual.

I remember walking around our house, which, after spending my life in tiny Manhattan apartments, felt like a huge place, and getting lost in it! (It is NOT a 'huge' house! Not at all.)

I remember thinking, "I have no idea how to be a wife... I have never been a wife... I'm a career woman... I need a job... Where the heck is the light switch in this room... How am I supposed to COOK and be a wife if I cannot buy Goya beans in this country... He thinks I should just hang my clothes in the YARD, with spiders, to dry... What the heck does he mean... ?"

I mean, really, I was a bit of a nutter.

And, YES, we did bicker! But, we do not bicker like that now, and the bickering did not last very long.

Try and remember that your spouse is adjusting too. (I was totally unable to do that, but looking back, I think if I could have done so, it would have helped!)

DH and I bickered a lot in the first two months. I've been here 6 months now and the bickering has decreased, but I've noticed that we tend to bicker when I'm having a particularly difficult day (in terms of adjusting). So, I wouldn't worry too much.

Like LM, I didn't know how to be someone's wife (or live in partner when I moved). I went from being a full time student and being employed full time to being a domestic woman. I'd never been in charge of house before. I cried in the kitchen A LOT. I was afraid to cross the street. I made DH take me for a walk and show me what I needed to do (he thought it was ridiculous).

It was definitely an adjustment for DH as well. He'd been living alone in his house for a year and was used to only having to worry about himself. He's lived in Shropshire pretty much his whole life and understands where everything is and how everything works. I don't think he was prepared for the fact that I would feel like a helpless child, but he understands now.

I would recommend talking to your DH about how you're feeling and let him talk to you about how he's feeling. Hopefully, you'll be able to understand one another better and the bickering will lessen.

Be kind to yourself!

EXTREMELY normal Meghan!! No worries!! The first year is a really stressful time for the both of you, so give yourself some TLC! You have a lot on your plate! 

I've been here for a year and 9 month's now and it does get better in a lot of ways, so hang in there! My husband and I bickered loads, but it was mainly due to stress on my part and not being able to work or volunteer for the first 6 months, etc. etc. etc.  to be honest, I'd be a bit worried if someone didn't feel the way you do at first!

I have a friend in the U.S. that is marrying a sweet guy from Mexico and she asked me what to expect of him when he first moved over and what your talking about was EXACTLY what I told her and explained why and said to go easy on him!

Hang in there! This a really great supporting community here and we all love to help! 

I would say that the biggest change for me was "No longer being busy."
And it drove me mad!
I went from running a small personal business, and having a very demanding academic job, and taking two grad school classes, and a very, very busy social life, and constantly eating out to... Checking my email, updating my facebook status, going to Waitrose, and making dinner.

I also went from having a very high amount of disposable income to being entirely broke!

That was a big change. The biggest change in my entire life!

My hubby had never lived with anyone in his entire adult life. Not a roommate, or a girlfriend, or even a pet! Suddenly, he had a confused wife, and two completely insane kittens, to contend with.

It was a very stressful transition, for both of us, and the stress led to bickering.

But, it gets better, over time.

Mind you, we of course still bicker, because we are normal, but not as much as we did in the beginning! Not even close!

It WILL get better.

xoxoxo,
L.

Thanks all. It sure helps to hear it from others.

Part of my problem is that I am fiercely independent. I have no idea how to depend on someone else and I feel like I'm loosing myself sometimes. Mostly because he's like a hen with one chick. I know he wants to take care of me and to help me the best he can, but some days I feel like I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag without him directing me. We've discussed this at length.

We've both been married before so the basic being together part isn't that bad. The things I am having a hard time really dealing with are:

1) I have NO IDEA what to do for work. I was in Law Enforcement back in the states and don't really want to do that here. What I earn isn't really an issue but it sucks to know I'll probably never earn close to the $70K I was making in the states. Right now I am looking at applying for jobs at Boots and Next as they are in walking distance to our flat. That is just hard for me at 43 to deal with. I had an established career and *yes* it was my choice to give it up. I just had no idea how it would effect me when it got down to this point.

2) I am pretty sure language intonations are getting the best of us. That or he just seems to be coming off as overbearing and controlling. We've discussed this at length as well. Again, the hen with one chick. I am hoping this will go away at some point. He's more alpha-male than I've ever had to deal with before. Which is good, but an adjustment for me.

We live in Eastbourne and DH works in central London. We've discussed moving closer to London to give him some room in his 5 hour daily commute, however, his boys are here and you guys know how the roads are. We'd really loose out on what little time we get with them now. So we have no idea how to solve that problem. Moving up the train line would give me some more job options but then we'd spend hours just going to get the boys and then running them back to the stuff they do in EB on the weekends, like rugby.

Thanks for letting me vent, I don't think I realized how pent up it's been these past 3 weeks.

~M

I can understand the being really independent, career and everything. I was selling advertising and making about the same, but honestly, my quality of life was horrible! Always stressed, taking different sorts of meds for my depression and constant anxiety, etc. I don't make anywhere near what I used to, but I have to say in life, I am much happier now than I was then. We are poor as poor can be...But much happier!

My husband also felt a bit over bearing and controlling at first. We fell out about that more than anything because after being so independent, I felt like he was treating me like a baby and like I was on a leash. For a while, ANYTIME I left the house to drive anywhere, him and his parents were wanting me to "check in" with them to make sure I was ok, etc. which drove me NUTS! I'm thinking "Wait a minute, I've been living on my own for years AND I've had to take care of an ex-husband! I'm more than capable of taking care of myself!!" For my husband though, he's a fixer...If he can't fix a situation, it drives him nuts! Seeing that he's gone away most of the week (Which he feels an enormous amount of guilt over) he worries a lot about my happiness and well-being...While he thought he was being helpful, I thought he was being over-bearing...But once I really sat him down and told him I needed him to loosen the leash and just be there to listen more, I don't need him to fix my problems, I needed him to support me in my journey and learning process (because he was REALLY stressing me out more than the move here was!). I think he just finally realized that he needed to let go of the guilt and worry and just let me get on with it knowing that I will ask for his help if I need it! Once in a while it creeps back up, but he's done really well with letting me make my own way.

I know the frustration with the kids to, but that's another long story! LOL!

I think your handling everything really well! Hang in there and vent as much as you need!! 

Amberelle, I *just* said some of the same things to my DH! I am still in the US and working on the visa (today is SEND OFF day!) and he's giving me sh*t about having updated my fb status last night! I told him I don't need to justify my time to anyone and that I"m a grown woman who's been taking care of things herself for 38 years! lol I told him what i need now is SUPPORT. I'm trying to convey to him how stressful and complicated this is (it's not just a matter of filling in a form and getting on a plane! I've got a life to wrap up here!) I think his "pushing" me about things is his way to encourage me a la "tough love", but it seems he hasn't learned just how stubborn I am and the more  you nag and push, the more I resist!

I will definitely keep all the been there/done that comments in mind (especially about how he's having to adjust a teeny tiny bit, too. ) I wish I could get him to just sign up here and read this himself! But of course, then I wouldn't have somewhere to vent later if he did that.

Gottagettolondon, DH and I also had some stupid fights in January when we were getting everything together to apply for our fiance visa. My husband is a "let's just hope for the best" kind of dude and I like to plan and make lists and double-check. Our differing styles led to some disputes. He thought I was treating him like a child and I felt like he wasn't appreciating how important it was to get the application right.

I'm not suggesting that you don't think it's important, of course you do. I'm just saying that I think in situations like this, it's easy to get yourself all wound up over the silly things because you're anxious.

Good luck with your application!

Amberelle, I *just* said some of the same things to my DH! I am still in the US and working on the visa (today is SEND OFF day!) and he's giving me sh*t about having updated my fb status last night! I told him I don't need to justify my time to anyone and that I"m a grown woman who's been taking care of things herself for 38 years! lol I told him what i need now is SUPPORT. I'm trying to convey to him how stressful and complicated this is (it's not just a matter of filling in a form and getting on a plane! I've got a life to wrap up here!) I think his "pushing" me about things is his way to encourage me a la "tough love", but it seems he hasn't learned just how stubborn I am and the more  you nag and push, the more I resist!

I will definitely keep all the been there/done that comments in mind (especially about how he's having to adjust a teeny tiny bit, too. ) I wish I could get him to just sign up here and read this himself! But of course, then I wouldn't have somewhere to vent later if he did that.

It's amazing huh? I can't tell you how many times I've told him "I don't need you to fix me, I just need you to listen and be supportive!" It's taken him a long time to sink it all in...And to be honest, I don't think they will fully understand the whole situation until the roles have been reversed. I have had a few times where I kinda did it back to him just so he would understand how it feels and he would reply with a "I'm a grown man and your treating me like a baby! I already know how to do that!" and I'll say something like "now you know how I feel!" LOL! Our dynamics are a bit different though, not only does he do it because of being new and moving here and wanting to take care of me, but he also does it because he's 17yrs. older than me and I think sometimes that does come into play.  

I'm not suggesting that you don't think it's important, of course you do. I'm just saying that I think in situations like this, it's easy to get yourself all wound up over the silly things because you're anxious.

Good luck with your application!

Oh, it's definitely the being anxious magnifying every little issue! When I get stressed, I vent outwards. (He's the opposite which drives me mad! How can I help when I don't know what the problem is??)

And thanks! Fedex just delivered some last minute docs we figured out we need (yay!) so I'm off soon to make all the copies and then send it off!

GGTL-Good luck!

Oh thank you all. Amberelle I have to say, I almost started to cry. Thanks for putting it into words.

I gained some major insight to how my DH works in the past week when we bought some furniture from IKEA. He really has to read and count every piece and part. He has to understand every step before he takes it and some things (like rotating a board to get it into the right position) just escape him. He's a Finance Director in central London so he's not stupid. He just does not process information the same way I do. IKEA furniture is very easy for me, btw.

So I think I need to keep that in mind as well as to also be more patient with him.

I have to say I'm feeling a bit better today after reading and writing all this. Thank you all!

Ok, I am going to add on to this thread with something else that is driving me nuts. My mother. I've been here 19 days and she keeps writing me emails every day asking me what I am doing, how I am doing. I don't know how many ways I can tell her: A friend was here for 11 of the 19 days for a vist, I don't drive so have to walk everywhere and we live on the edge of town so there isn't much to do. She's driving me nuts with her clingyness! I've enlisted my sister for help.

Ok. Vent over.

Regarding your mother, I've found that having set days for chatting spares me the clingy emails. I speak to my mom every Tuesday and Friday (at length). I think it comforts her to know when we're definitely going to speak and it gives us time to have something new to talk about. I don't know if you've already decided to do something like that. If not, perhaps you could try.

I too 'gave up a career' and it was my choice, and it effected me in so many ways that I could never have imagined - and I am also 43.

So, I hear that one!

And... When I first moved here, my husband would text me about every 40 minutes, all day long. It drove me mad.

If I went out without him, it was more often that that!

If I was out past 6pm, he insisted on picking me up. And, at 6pm, the sun was shining - it was summer. And, I was at the library... 4 blocks away.

It was a hard adjustment.

But, now, it is much better, and much easier!