Raising a child here VS. the US

I was wondering how the parents out there felt about raising a child here vs. in the US. Do/did you feel more secure here in raising a child? Do you feel like a child's quality of life here is better than it would be back in the US? (I know this is all relative to where you live here verses there and such). Do you feel like the outside peer pressure are any better/worse than in the US, etc.

This is probably a silly question, but the reason I ask is because I don't have any children of my own, but my husband and I have been talking about starting our own family. At this point, we live in a really nice area and I know we would work hard to keep it that way. But we aren't far from the more rough area's. The problems and things I see here I NEVER had an issue with back in the US and just wouldn't know how to deal with it! (Boise was named like one of the best places to raise a family because they are so family oriented there...But it's also a VERY religious place which cut down on a lot of the problems!) Basically, I was very sheltered and probably spoiled because the community made it very easy to raise a child there as there was a lot of positive influence. I don't have that same safety net here and I think it scares me! I worry about things like bullying and the way the teens are dressing, heavy alcohol influences and drugs, etc. I'm still shocked all the time by things I see and hear here! (I never considered myself sheltered as being a military brat, I moved ALL OVER the world! But I just don't remember having to deal with the things I see today!)

Maybe I just need encouragement, but it is definitely one of the things that scares me most in the world. I've never wanted a baby until I met my current husband, but even now, I'm completely indecisive of it and keep talking myself out of it and the reason above is ALWAYS my number one reason! I'm being silly huh? 

I don't think you're being silly. I think it's a very important question to ask. I've asked myself this question a few times since moving here, but DH and I are of the opinion that we're probably never going to have kids.


Like I said, I don't have children either, but alcohol and drugs were readily available when I was teenager in the suburbs of Massachusetts. I didn't do drugs, but I did drink (in moderation). I don't think having access to those things necessarily means you'll get sucked into that world. My parents were very present while I was growing up, but they weren't overbearing. They just gave me the information I needed to make informed decisions about what I did to/put in my body and encouraged me to be safe and use some common sense. I'm now 24. I'm not addicted to drugs. I don't smoke and I'm not an alcoholic. I graduated from high school and college. I think that has less to do with where I was raised and more to do with my parents being there, but not being controlling and overly strict. They were supportive of me and encouraged me. I respected them for that.

I do understand what you mean about the way some of these teens are dressing. Specifically, the girls.  I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to approach some of these 15 year old girls and say "listen. I can see your bra and I can see your butt hanging out of your shorts. Not only is that gross, but it's also inappropriate and makes me feel like a pedophile. Put some clothes on and more importantly, have some respect for yourself." It makes me feel like an old fogey. I probably need to lighten up. But if DH and I ever have kids, our daughters will not be allowed out of the house like that. No way. It would have less to do with me being worried for their safety and more to do with me being embarrassed for them.

I don't think you're being silly. I think it's a very important question to ask. I've asked myself this question a few times since moving here, but DH and I are of the opinion that we're probably never going to have kids.


Like I said, I don't have children either, but alcohol and drugs were readily available when I was teenager in the suburbs of Massachusetts. I didn't do drugs, but I did drink (in moderation). I don't think having access to those things necessarily means you'll get sucked into that world. My parents were very present while I was growing up, but they weren't overbearing. They just gave me the information I needed to make informed decisions about what I did to/put in my body and encouraged me to be safe and use some common sense. I'm now 24. I'm not addicted to drugs. I don't smoke and I'm not an alcoholic. I graduated from high school and college. I think that has less to do with where I was raised and more to do with my parents being there, but not being controlling and overly strict. They were supportive of me and encouraged me. I respected them for that.

I do understand what you mean about the way some of these teens are dressing. Specifically, the girls.  I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to approach some of these 15 year old girls and say "listen. I can see your bra and I can see your butt hanging out of your shorts. Not only is that gross, but it's also inappropriate and makes me feel like a pedophile. Put some clothes on and more importantly, have some respect for yourself." It makes me feel like an old fogey. I probably need to lighten up. But if DH and I ever have kids, our daughters will not be allowed out of the house like that. No way. It would have less to do with me being worried for their safety and more to do with me being embarrassed for them.

EXACTLY PlainPearl! My parents were very present too...My mom was able to be a stay at home mom for me which was great! I would have to work though!

What you were describing is what bothers me, and then I see shows like Geordie Shore and stuff which don't make me feel any better! Sex and violence is very much out there to see! (Though we are supposedly in the "posh" area, I'm ALWAYS hearing of fights breaking out in Newcastle Under Lyme's city center which is only 10 minutes away! Especially on Friday and Saturday nights and I REALLY don't deal well with the site of blood and fist fighting...I wouldn't even watch movies like Fight Club because I hate fist fighting that much! Makes me physically ill!) I just see all these outside influences and the media here has no qualms in displaying it all over the TV and it's not something I think I'm prepared to deal with...Not that I'm saying we should raise kids all sheltered and naive...It just all makes me really jittery and it's just easier to say no to having kids than to deal with it...But I'll be 30 this year and my husband is 47 and I'm almost feeling like I'm at the point where I just need to make that final decision and stick with it, you know?

It's a good question, I've done both- my eldest didn't come to the UK till he was 7, and my 2yr old and 7 month old were both born here.

I feel like because the UK is still new to me, I'm more comfortable with the way things are done in the states.  I prefer the attitude about drugs and alcohol, I know how the school system works, I loved high school with pep rallies and football games, prom ect...

but the UK has awesome baby and toddler groups (many which are free) the facilities for breastfeeding are everywhere and topnotch. I never have to worry about broken bones leading to sky high medical bills. I love the uniforms at the schools, the report cards (which aren't really report cards per say, more like a book report on his progress) are really informative and give me the impression his teacher took the time to get to know him well.

I think the likely hood my son might get into trouble will be higher here, only because we are in a large city.  I was from a smaller northern California town in the states so things were much simpler.  

Anyways- that's just my opinion.  I half hope that by the time my kids get old enough to go to high school that we might be able to go home- but that's just so they can experience the fun bits of high school life, so not really anything that advances them as a human being or intelligence.  

We have one son who is only 18 months old, and like you live in the "posh" part of town, but I still worry about him growing up here.

Their attitude towards drugs and especially alcohol is very lax. My nephew (16) got caught sneaking beers out to a party and his parents just laughed about "kids being kids," and while they did not let him bring the beer out with him still allowed him to go to the party.

My husband talks all the time about bullying while he was in school, which is not something which I ever experienced where I grew up. I think I saw one fist fight the entire time I was in school

The schooling worries me because I have heard of three different cases of missing dyslexia in students, and the system here just pushes kids through it without really paying much attention to how they are getting on--they won't be held back if they need it or anything like that.

I do think that the UK is great for babies and toddlers though, there are certainly loads of groups to go to, etc.

My husband is being made redundant from his job in February and we will be looking to see if we can find him some work in the US, but wherever we end up I think that staying involved and communicating with our son are the most important things we can do.

Great question...I think it is much more about where in each country vs UK to US. I came here when my daughter was 14- so a very at risk age. I researched High Schools ALOT and chose carefully. She thrived, and never fell in with 'the wrong crowd'. The alcohol attitude is a huge difference though, but I do feel the attitudes within a home overweigh those from the outside, most of the time. If I was to have another child-- (not happening!!, just saying IF)--I wouldn't hesitate to raise them in either country

My big thing when I think of the stuff we had to deal with vs kids now is is it's because we grew up in a different time and didn't even have half of the things going on that they do now and things like technology changing so fast you can't really even go off of what others experienced with their children or are the worries because of where you are living at the moment. 

I also think that no matter what we will always be worried about what our kids are doing and whether or not you are in a big or small town things can always happen.  DH grew up in a tiny town (40 kids in his HS class) and most of his family still lives around there and I've heard of them having way more issues with drugs and alcohol etc than people in the larger city I grew up in.

I guess what I am saying is you don't really know I guess and only time will tell- sorry not very helpful though

I guess what I am saying is you don't really know I guess and only time will tell- sorry not very helpful though

Not very helpful, but very true

I really appreciate all the advice! It does help ease things a bit for me! I was talking to a friend the other day and she was backing up the idea of the power or parental influence in terms of how involved you are with your child. Though I do have to work, my current company does allow me some flexibility and does value family (which is actually really nice!) so I think I would have the ability to be more involved.Compares to some of the parents I've seen here and in the US, I would probably be a little bit more strict anyways in terms of clothes, alcohol, etc. I feel like I was brought up well with my parents and those same things I was taught by them I would forward on.

tmfigy is right, no matter what, you will always worry about your kids, which is a good reason to be a proactive parent. Sometimes I just wonder at the end of the day if I'm just not trying to find reasons to avoid the situation all together? This is one of those areas I feel so guilty about because I've never been really the person who has said 100% "yeah I'm dying to have kids!" (In fact, I've always said I didn't want kids! Which I REALLY didn't with my ex!), and I grew up in a family that adores lots of kids! My mother used to bug me for ages about it and then a few months back (after I found out she was diagnosed with cancer) she had made a comment about how she was talking to a friend who was pushing her daughter for grandbabies and my mother told her "Some woman are just not meant to have kids, I mean my daughter is going to be 30 this year and still hasn't and I've come to the terms that it's ok and I accept it!"....OUCH!! I know she meant well, but it just made me feel really bad and guilty!

I do think having a child with my current hubby would be wonderful (and I've never thought that before). But I don't want to do it because everyone else is and I need to fit in a certain mold you know? I want to do it because it feels right and it's a genuine desire...I just can't say it is right now! Maybe that is the reason for all the questions...Just another opportunity to find an excuse? But I was also curious of your opinions because it would be so much out of my comfort zone to raise a child here! It's just so different in a lot of ways!

Regarding what your mom said, I don't think 30 is late to be having kids. If I had a child, I wouldn't have it until I was at least 30 (barring an accident  ). A lot of women I know didn't have kids until they were in their mid-30's. I think it's good to take pause and think about these things. A child is a huge responsibility. However, because it's such a huge responsibility, I think people will always have doubts about it.

Also, I'm not suggesting that having a child before the age 30 is wrong. There is nothing wrong with that. It's completely up to the individual. I just think in today's society it's not unusual for couples to put off starting a family.

Regarding what your mom said, I don't think 30 is late to be having kids. If I had a child, I wouldn't have it until I was at least 30 (barring an accident  ). A lot of women I know didn't have kids until they were in their mid-30's. I think it's good to take pause and think about these things. A child is a huge responsibility. However, because it's such a huge responsibility, I think people will always have doubts about it.

Also, I'm not suggesting that having a child before the age 30 is wrong. There is nothing wrong with that. It's completely up to the individual. I just think in today's society it's not unusual for couples to put off starting a family.

Exactly this! Being 29,  I'm astounded she thought 30 was too old to start having kids!! I'm not too old to have more kids! I'm sticking to "30 is the new 20"

Exactly this! Being 29,  I'm astounded she thought 30 was too old to start having kids!! I'm not too old to have more kids! I'm sticking to "30 is the new 20"

Seriously! People are already asking me about when I'm going to pop out babies and I'm like "wait! What!? I'm only 24. I'm still a baby myself!" 

Exactly this! Being 29,  I'm astounded she thought 30 was too old to start having kids!! I'm not too old to have more kids! I'm sticking to "30 is the new 20"

I had my daughter when I was 30, and (for me) it was a good time to do so.

I'm 38 and just got married. I want to be "wife" first, before I'm "mom" (well, "mum" I guess)! I plan to be 40 before I get preggers. I know there are risks, etc, but holy moly! I want some time to myself with my husband first! Though, people were asking me at my wedding reception when we were planning to have the first baby!!!

Point being, 30 ain't no where near "late" to have a baby!!

As for the other stuff, I too wonder what it will be like to raise a baby in the UK. It makes me sad that s/he will not experience any of the cultural "norms" that I did (like you mentioned- pep rallies, prom, t-ball, making hand turkeys at school for Thanksgiving!) Of course, maybe some of these I could do with them and we could always watch 90210 and Saved by the Bell to give them an idea of school in the US. But it makes me sad that my kids won't ever understand many of the American things that make me ME.

I do have to laugh about the fact that my (future) kids won't sound like either me nor their father- he's Scottish and of course I'm American but we live in London! Maybe I can get them to say "y'all" at least.

I raised my kids in the US (elementary school) and the UK (jr high and high school).  I think regardless of where you raise your family, the single most important thing is that you have a strong intact family unit.  If you've got that, then you've got the best defense against all of the pressures facing kids today, albeit it's not a guarantee but it's crucial!  Talk talk and talk some more about all those issues from a really young age.  If you have open communication, the kids are more likely to tell you things when they get older.

One big difference that i noticed between the US and UK - I found myself ultra paranoid in the US about bad things happening to my kids, in some cases I became over the top protective but in the UK, not so much.  I felt a lot more comfortable giving my kids freedom in the UK than in the US. 

As for Education - be involved no matter what.  When they're in school, be proactive and form positive relationships with the teachers, then when there is a problem, you will looking to solve it more as a part of a team rather than putting the teacher or you on the defensive.  Sometimes you have to force that relationship but whatever you do, don't quit.  In choosing schools, in some cases i chose the 'lesser' of schools if I got the feeling that I could work with the school rather than going to the better school and feeling completely marginalized.  I don't regret that decision for a second.  We always needed to feel the love, so to speak.  Also, formal schooling is only part of their education. Learning your American culture is part of their education, it just won't happen in school.