New and badly needing advice

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum so hope it is not too cheeky just jumping in and asking for advice.

I have been living in the UK for almost six years, after marrying a Brit and moving very quickly (straight from my parents' house!) It didn't hit me what I'd done until after the fact, and I've been struggling with my decision ever since. I miss my family and my own culture so much, and it has not gotten any easier with time. I love my husband, and that is the only reason I have stayed. We recently had a baby, and that has made the homesickness all the more unbearable.

The problem is I can't seem to communicate this to my husband. In the beginning he was the one who recognized it, and spent almost two years convincing me that going back was what I really wanted. We even bought a flat, which I only agreed to because he said we sell up in a few years and use the resale money to repatriate. Then soon after we began making plans to relocate back, he did some soul searching and decided it wasn't what he wanted and the plans were halted. I was devistated. We've had countless arguments about it, all with me accusing him of leading me down a road and then abandoning me to it. This went on for about three years, with us moving from one compromise to another. Then recently he was made redundant from his job at the same time we had our baby. He got an excellent redundancy package, and we prepared to sell the flat and move because it was too small. I started to hope this might be the chance that I had been praying for to move back Stateside. This was just made stronger by an extended stay at my mom's this past summer, in which he told me he was more open to moving there than he had ever been. However, when we got back to the UK, he completely changed his focus and is trying to find jobs in the North to be nearer to his parents because it is cheaper to live and he thinks our family will be happier. (We had been living in London) He says there are so many obstacles still in the way of a move to the US and right now the first thing is for him to find a job to support me and the baby. We are living at his parents' in order to keep our flat in show flat condition, and all he and his parents talk about is us finding an income and a base near them. (They know I am homesick, but I'm not sure if they know how bad it is.)

When I try to talk to my husband about this, he says he is only considering keeping us afloat short term at the moment, and we can talk about long-term plans (like a transcontinental move) when we are stabilized. However, even though he refuses to consider details of a US move at this point, he happily talks to his parents about houses for sale in their area. I feel kicked in the teeth. Especially considering the money from the sale of the flat was supposed to go toward relocating us way back when we signed the lease.

I've got to the point that I hate the UK, even though I loved it when I first got here, and I feel an intense distrust toward my husband. I am getting so desparate that I am considering taking the baby and just going back without him - something I never thought I would do. Does anyone have any words of advice? Thanks in advance.

I'm not sure I can give you much advice regarding your homesickness and lack of trust in your husband. I haven't lived much time in the UK, as my OH moved here to the US instead. We have had our discussions over our reasons to move back to the UK, but we've not argued about it as it seems you and your OH have.

But I can give advice regarding your last paragraph where you stated you're ready to just take your child and leave the UK. I don't know if you really meant that, or if you are simply speaking out of frustration, but DO NOT DO THAT! The UK and the US have both signed the Hague Convention treaty and you simply cannot take your child and leave the country without being brought up on charges of kidnapping! You do not want to face those consequences. If you left the UK with your child, they can have you extradited back to the UK to face kidnapping charges and take away your child. While you may be desperate, I don't think you'd want to be in jail for who knows how long.

Hi lindy313 and welcome to the board.

I really feel for you, what a messy situation to be in. I wanted to, first, reiterate what Bluegrass Lass said, please don't just take your baby and leave. That will only open the door for many many more problems. It's a nasty problem many parents have- being trapped in a country they don't want to be in but I promise that the solution is not to just take off. As tempting as it is you don't want to end up in huge trouble.

That being said, I really get where you are coming from. I have had many of those same problems myself and for me the only way to work it out was to continue letting my feelings be known. *I* have found to really get a chance to say what I need to say and really feel like I've been heard is through a letter or e-mail. It lets me complete my thoughts without being interrupted and makes my husband take some time to digest it before rebounding. I know you said you and your OH have had many arguments and truth is arguments don't really usually get us very far, the best bet is when each party is really open to fully listening and hearing where the other person is coming from.

Now it doesn't sound like your husband has ever lived in the states, correct? Has he told you why he refuses? I know it seems like he does this in a roundabout way (mine does these things too!), have you ever managed to get him to really rationally talk about it? No attacking, no accusing, no arguing- simply talking?

I know you feel trapped and I know you have lost some trust and faith in him and I know how hard it is (believe me, I know all too well) and while I know that does not help much, maybe it helps a little to know you're not alone.
My only real advice is 1) don't just leave, 2) *talk* with him about it and 3) try to find things that make your life a little easier/happier/better there. Oh, and in my experience persistence helps, it may seem like a doomed battle but try to have faith.

Thank you for the advice everyone. I know it is stupid to even consider taking my son and leaving - I just start thinking irrationally like that when I am really desperate. It's been good reading some of the other homesick posts around this forum, as at least I know I'm not the only one. I am not sure what to do with husband. I do really love him, and for the most part he is a great, understanding guy that I am very lucky to have. However, just on this one issue we always seem to misfire. I just feel so angry with him all the time these days because I feel like he has broken some huge promises and my feelings are not being listened to. However, I am the one who is stuck because if I leave it will mean leaving my son behind. Just the thought of staying here forever and raising my son here makes me sad and upset. This relationship really is in trouble. Though I do really appreciate the advice. It gives us a starting point.

Lindy, what part of the North are you  in ?

I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I can understand how hard it is that your husband changed his mind in the past, and that would frustrate the heck out of me.

I wonder, though, how much you'll really get out of him right now. Trying to find a new job and a new home is so stressful, as you obviously know. Men, in general, will handle this much differently. His main concern is stability - to add a transcontinental move into the mix of possibilities likely overwhelms him. There is probably a great deal of comfort that he finds in looking at houses, because they represent the stability your family is lacking right now.

If I were in your shoes, I'd sit down with him and let him know that's what I expect he's feeling, and that I understand - even if, to my (your) eyes, it's an opportunity to move abroad. Then I'd ask him to try to understand how I'm feeling. It sounds like he has an idea, but reiterate it.

You said you didn't really consider the move to the UK until you'd made it. He's probably seeing your results, and worrying about feeling that way himself. I imagine he wants to be sure he won't feel the same way, and at a time like this, the idea of something so foreign on top of financial uncertainty is close to terrifying.

Would you consider compromising one more time? Maybe agree to getting some stability, building up some savings, and moving the family once that's accomplished? And let him know that if you agree to compromise again, and you're let down again, it will be a very serious blow to your relationship. I don't meant threaten or manipulate him, but he should know the gravity of what you're feeling.

Just some thoughts. Hope they're helpful....