A bit of a pickle...

Hi all,

I'm afraid I've got a very long winded and possibly over complicated tale to tell and will be seeking advice! Not sure if I have put this in the right place, mods please feel free to move if needs be!

Right, here goes....!

First off I am not a yank, I'm a brit, married to my brit bloke who's in the army.  For this tale I'll call him Mr. Hunt (can you guess what tv show I'm a fan of?!). Mr. Hunt left school and joined the army at 18 years old with his best mate. I'll call his best mate Ray. Ray is deep down a really good bloke, he has supported myself and Mr. Hunt through a miscarriage, been an amazing god father to our two children and seen some terrible things in N.I, Kosovo, Iraq, Afghanistan etc, but also done some amazing things as well (one of their favourite memories is hooters!). We all went through secondary school together, I couldn't stand the two of them then, but thankfully they've grown up in a few ways!

A few years back Ray met and fell in love with a woman from the states, just over a year ago they got married and are now living 'on patch' and it seemed all was well. She's an absolutely wonderful woman who I now consider to be a very good friend, who is totally and utterly head over heels in love with him. She has basically given up her life, her home, her career etc to be with him.

All sounding good so far right? At the moment Mr. Hunt and Ray are living it up in the sandpit, a few weeks ago Mr. Hunt told me that Ray had decided to tell his wife that he's not going to come home on R&R but save it till the end and come home early. But in fact plans to come home, go to the other end of the country to spend two weeks with some bint he's met online while out there and then use the job/RAF/write everything in pencil mantra as an excuse for not getting back early 'as planned'!!!

I am really bloody angry, at Ray for being such a bar steward, I've already sent him an incredibly snotty bluey telling him exactly what I think of his behaviour. I am also really cross at Mr. Hunt for telling and then saying 'but don't tell Mrs. USA, cos it's none of our business' 

I've since told him that I will tell her as I think as a friend I should do. He then muttered that I know the woman because we all went to school together! Im tempted to hunt her out on FB to warn her off, but finding it difficult to do.

I was going to tell the wife I felt that if I was in her situation I'd want to know... But then I started to think that if I was in another country, away from family, friends etc I might in fact not want to know..

So my question is this. Should I tell her? How should I tell her? Or should I just keep quiet in the hope she never finds out? How would you feel in her shoes? Like I've said she's given up a lot to be with him. 

MrsDrake

Oh my... Well, if Ray and Ms USA were in a house fire, and you could save one of them, but ONLY one of them... Which person would you save?

That is the person you are loyal too in your heart.

Mind you, that bit of 'wisdom' comes from an American 1980's after school TV special, with Lief Garret in it - so, you might just want to ignore it altogether.

In the end, if my hubby did not want me to say anything, unless she was a very close friend, personally, I would just stay out of it.

I guess I'm confused why you have picked this forum to post on...solely because the wife in your story is American? 

I guess I'm confused why you have picked this forum to post on...solely because the wife in your story is American? 

Yes and living in the UK. I suppose I am trying to gain views from others who have left their life in the USA, and how they would feel being told in their new country without the family and stronger friendships to offer instant support. Had she been chinese I would have asked on a chinese forum...

I don't think American ex-pats will be able to give you any special insight into how it would feel to be told that your husband is lying and cheating on you.  I think it would probably feel the same regardless of a person's nationality.

You're absolutely right, I'm not disputing that at all. I am however, obviously not very well, trying to find the best way to tell her if at all.

Asking on an expat forum might give me some ideas, I live a half hour drive from my mum, if I was or were to be in her shoes I'd be straight there for a cuppa and the hug only a mum can give. She isn't, there are people here who might have experience, either personally or through someone else who can give me a better insight as to what to do.

I hope Mrs USA doesn't post on here and see this post whilst her husband is not coming back on R&R....or for that matter even if it's not her but her husband just happens to legitimately not be able to get home!

I can understand why you posted here and why you were taking into account the fact that she is an expat away from her support system when deciding what to do with the information. I can't say I have any magic advice for you-- but I think you need to just go with your gut instinct and be there and be supportive the best you can no matter what you decide.

Bar steward though Ray may be, if Mr. Hunt is supporting him it's likely they're going to be remaining friends, so supporting Mrs. USA may make for a lot of awkward situations down the line. It's just something that should be kept in mind if you can't get Mr. Hunt on the same page.

It is Ray's job to be a man and admit things, but ultimately, it doesn't look like he's going to do that. Is the friendship between you & Mrs. USA really, truly something you value? If the answer to that question is yes, then by all means, do Ray's job for him -- if I were in Mrs. USA's position and I discovered that "friends" knew before I did that DH planned to make a fool of me, then I would not be counting those people as my friends anymore.

I understand why you posted here. It is different telling someone their husband is a cheating b*stard when they are away from their lifelong friends and family.

If it were me, I'd want to know. If a very good friend knew this information and didn't tell me, I'd be extremely hurt and angry.

You said you sent a "snotty bluey" to Ray. I don't know what a "bluey" is, but I guess it is an email or something similar. Did he reply? 

The fact that they've only been married for a year is even more sad. Again, if it were me, I'd want to know so I could cut my losses and go home before I invested even more time with this man, or had children, or firmly planted roots in the UK.

It's awful that you are in this position and it speaks volumes how much you care about Mrs. USA that you are seeking advice on this situation.  Good luck to you.

If it were me, I would want to know, but not everyone would feel that way. I think I espcially feel this way because this clearly isn't some one time lapse in judgement (not that I think that's ok either, but I can understand why someone would keep quiet about it). He's having some sort of emotional affair with this woman and by lying to his wife and skipping out on his time with her, he's demonstrated that his loyaties don't really lie with the woman who picked up her life in the US and moved it to the UK to be with him.

You're damn right I'd want to know. I wouldn't want to remain in a marriage where I'm clearly not respected and I'm thousands of miles away from my family who really care about me.

Obviously, you're the one who is going to have to deal with the fallout from telling, so you need to do what you feel is best.  

Thank you for all the replies. I think just writing it out has made it ten times clearer in my own head. I am actually the most angry with MY husband for putting me in this situation, ignorance is bliss etc. But he has told me and the right thing is to tell her. I thought about it long and hard last night as if I were in her shoes, and I'd want to know wherever i am in the world so that I could either move on with him or without.

Someone (sorry, using my phone to write this!), said that they'd want to know before kids, roots etc have set in and I agree with this whole heartedly, at least now she'd be able to make a clean break (if she chooses to) and not be tied to him for life through children.

It may be difficult for a while with Ray... But there have been other incidents like this but not as bad, where I've told him he's a twonk and eventually we're all good again. I think, as someone else said, it's the fact that this is planned... And not a drunken moment of stupidity  that he could somehow, possibly, maybe explain away!

A bluey is a letter you send for free, via the forces and it is blue paper... Hense the name! No way to tell if he's actually received it as they can sometimes take a long long long time to get through!

This is a hard situation and I understand both sides of the spectrum here...But my input:

I will be honest, put my hand up and say that was my first marriage. My ex husband was cheating on me and a lot of people knew it and nobody wanted to tell me because they knew how bad it would hurt me. (I had suspected it, but didn't know who until I found out it was a good friend!) The way I finally did find out was humiliating to me! And as I was moving out of my own home, she was moving in! The whole experience was extremely hurtful and embarrassing, and it all could have been avoided if someone would have just told me.

I have to confess that sometimes I am more mad at the people who didn't say anything than my ex and supposed friend.

It's like you said in the post right before mine, it's early and your catching it early. If it's going to be done, it needs to be done before deep roots are laid. I know it's an extremely hard position to be in, but you have to do what you feel strongly about and she may have a hard time with it now, but trust me, five years down the road, she will be thanking you because she hasn't invested 6 plus years of her heart and soul to someone who obviously doesn't care.

I really wished someone would have told me.

i would want to know........nothing worse than living with someone all your life then find out its all been a lie...........if she knows then its up to her to decide weather to stay with him or not.......i would tell her but back off if she wanted advice

If she stays with him and has children and then finds out, it would be very difficult for her to go back home with her kids.