Was your family against you moving to the UK?

When I decided to move to the US, alone, for school (PhD program, meaning I would be gone for several years), my family were supportive and basically just said, 'Well if that's what you want to do, go for it'.

It wasn't until I discovered that I wasn't happy in the US and I moved home that my mum admitted she never wanted me to go in the first place and hated the thought of me being so far away (her sister has been living in the US for over 30 years so she knows what it's like to have family so far away and not be able to see them often).

When I asked why she didn't say anything, she told me she didn't want it to influence my decision to move... however, it would have actually helped me if she had mentioned it because while in the US I spent months going back and forth with my decision, trying to decide whether to stay or move home - if she'd said something, it would have made my decision much easier .

My parents are very encouraging about us kids moving abroad though and feel we should take any opportunities we can, as they didn't get those opportunities when they were younger (they have both always lived in the UK, apart from the 3 months my mum spent as a camp counselor in Maine when she was a student). My brothers are currently living in Austria and China, while I will be moving to the Falklands for work for 5 months next year.

Maybe I'm just cold hearted but my families approval/non approval didn't factor into  moving over at all.  

Same.  I could not imagine letting another person's preference (my husband aside) influence my decision to move to another country (or any other life decisions).  No one can ever really walk in your shoes.  Similarly, people do all kinds of things that I wouldn't but my preference is hardly valid in their lives.  

Thank you for sharing your story. Leaving behind family is never easy for anyone involved. My situation has more to do with family members  that believe I'm sacrificing too much to be with my woman. They also feel that the UK does not offer a better quality of life compared to America. A close family member has lived in the UK for business purposes. So as you can see I'm getting a lot of opinions and most of them are negative. Having children also makes the move tougher. Some people think moving across the world when you are in your early 50's has more to do with a midlife crisis than simply wanting to follow the person who makes you happy.Not a easy thing for some people to accept.

The thing with opinions is that they are biased based on people's limited experiences.  For your family members who have never lived in the UK, how on earth are they an authority on the UK quality of life?  How can they even think of offering that opinion?  It is something they have literally pulled out of the air.  Even for the family member that lived in the UK for business, his experience could be very different from yours.  For example, maybe he was here for such a short time that he never bothered to try and integrate.  Or any other millions of factors that could be completely different from your experience.

And believe me, your age has nothing to do with this.  If you were in your 20s, they would be saying you are too young to make this decision.  If you were in your 30s, it would be a stupid decision as you would just be starting to really live your life (i.e. establish a career, house, etc.).  If it was your 60s, you would be too old to start over.  The point is that these comments aren't a reflection of the true you and are just a way for your family to belittle your choice.  I would have to question why my family was being so negative and if those are really opinions I would bother valuing.

As has been said, you seem to be asking questions and hoping you will find that nugget of advice that is going to make this decision of yours magically easier to stomach.  You are nervous about moving to another country.  Clearly this fear is not going to go away.  Make the jump or don't but I would dare suggest that this dragging out of the topic is only going to exacerbate your anxiety.

(For the record, many of us have a BETTER quality of life in the UK and this is talked about often on this site)

And believe me, your age has nothing to do with this.  If you were in your 20s, they would be saying you are too young to make this decision.  If you were in your 30s, it would be a stupid decision as you would just be starting to really live your life (i.e. establish a career, house, etc.).  If it was your 60s, you would be too old to start over.

Good point!



My family weren't against it in a negative way. They were concerned about me being away from everything I've known for a man they thought I didn't know very well. Fair enough. They were more sad than anything. Of course I was considerate of those feelings, but my mom said "I won't be around forever, so you shouldn't let me hold you back. You have to make a life for yourself and if you want to do that in the UK with DF, then I'll start saving for plane tickets."

Well, my dad moved to Brasil in his 20s and married my mum, and later they moved to the US with me, so they were both expats at one time or another. My dad especially understood what it's like for somewhere else to feel like home, so although they missed me, they were very supportive when I came here to do my PhD, even though they knew I had no intention of moving back to the US if I could help it. My life is much better here in Scotland and I have only become more resolute in my desire to stay away from the US, but fortunately my mum loves to visit me here.

Nope, not at all.  My mom was over the moon at the opportunity I had to be here.  She had been ill for most of my life and for various reasons (family obligations, poor health, poverty), her opportunities in life were quite limited when it had been her lifelong dream to travel.  She was considerably disabled & in a nursing home already when I moved over, but she was thrilled with receiving the postcards I sent her from all over when DH & I travelled - she would tell the nursing home staff with enthusiasm & pride that she just couldn't believe that I was over here & able to do all that stuff, see all these places.  And she knew, after a lot of struggles & unhappiness & disappointment I'd had in my earlier life, that I was finally happy & settled.  Isn't that what parents most want for their children, after all?  (My father was deceased since my childhood -- he hadn't been around for a very long time by the time I moved over here.)

I think my brothers (both several years older than me) were a little wary over my moving across the ocean for a guy -- they had seen me do all kinds of crazy things for love before when it didn't work out.  But they wished me well all the same.  And now, DH & I have been married for 8+ years, are very happy & settled -- my brothers & their families think the world of DH & see how well this life choice worked out for me.  My life is so much better here than it ever was in the US.  Ever since we left our parents' home, my brothers & I had always lived some distance away from each other anyway, as both my brothers had done military service & then settled several states away from where I lived.

Now that mom is gone - my relationship with my brothers is better than it ever has been!  I think that's with us all being aware of the distance, the passing of time, and that we are all the (original) family that each other has left - with the passing years, we are making more effort than ever before to maintain & nourish our sibling relationships with each other.

(For the record, many of us have a BETTER quality of life in the UK and this is talked about often on this site)

Are you back in the UK again?  I had the impression that you moved back to the US, but maybe I missed your posting about a move back here again. 

Maybe I'm just cold hearted but my families approval/non approval didn't factor into  moving over at all. 
I moved over with my husband (English, but had lived in the States for 13 years) and our two children.  Their opinions are all that mattered.

You're not the only sangfroid one. I informed my family of my decision, after I'd packed up everything I was keeping, gotten rid of everything else, booked my flights, and moved out of my flat. Though the timing was their doing as they'd been on a month long cruise while all of this was going on.  They had moved to California from New York and Chicago respectively, my mother to be with my father, so it's not like we didn't have a family blue-print for relationships via weekly phone call.

I don't think I told any other family members. Maybe my mother's youngest sister?

Yeah, I'm another one that just announced I was leaving. Then again, I'd left for university at 17 and moved 2000 miles away, so the pattern of me going wherever was already established.
Not that it doesn't drive my mother nuts, but she drives ME nuts, so the distance is better for both of us.

Are you back in the UK again?  I had the impression that you moved back to the US, but maybe I missed your posting about a move back here again. 

Still in the us for another year.  but I can still recognise that my life was better in the uk!

Still in the us for another year.  but I can still recognise that my life was better in the uk!

Oh of course you can, no worries!  I was just confused is all - my usual state. 

Hope you get back here soon if that is what you are wanting! 

Oh of course you can, no worries!  I was just confused is all - my usual state. 

Hope you get back here soon if that is what you are wanting! 

HAHA - ususal state!!! So silly! 

Same.  I could not imagine letting another person's preference (my husband aside) influence my decision to move to another country (or any other life decisions).  No one can ever really walk in your shoes.  Similarly, people do all kinds of things that I wouldn't but my preference is hardly valid in their lives.  
 

The thing with opinions is that they are biased based on people's limited experiences.  For your family members who have never lived in the UK, how on earth are they an authority on the UK quality of life?  How can they even think of offering that opinion?  It is something they have literally pulled out of the air.  Even for the family member that lived in the UK for business, his experience could be very different from yours.  For example, maybe he was here for such a short time that he never bothered to try and integrate.  Or any other millions of factors that could be completely different from your experience.

And believe me, your age has nothing to do with this.  If you were in your 20s, they would be saying you are too young to make this decision.  If you were in your 30s, it would be a stupid decision as you would just be starting to really live your life (i.e. establish a career, house, etc.).  If it was your 60s, you would be too old to start over.  The point is that these comments aren't a reflection of the true you and are just a way for your family to belittle your choice.  I would have to question why my family was being so negative and if those are really opinions I would bother valuing.

As has been said, you seem to be asking questions and hoping you will find that nugget of advice that is going to make this decision of yours magically easier to stomach.  You are nervous about moving to another country.  Clearly this fear is not going to go away.  Make the jump or don't but I would dare suggest that this dragging out of the topic is only going to exacerbate your anxiety.

(For the record, many of us have a BETTER quality of life in the UK and this is talked about often on this site)

Sara, those are words of wisdom. I have much thinking to do.There is a part of me that wants to place all my focus on the things that bring me happiness. Question is how to do that with out cutting ties to the people in my life. If there were no older kids involved this decision would be a snap. Everyone else would have to suck it up and make the adjustment. There are days when I feel having male children may have been easier. Thank you for your advice.

Sara, those are words of wisdom. I have much thinking to do.There is a part of me that wants to place all my focus on the things that bring me happiness. Question is how to do that with out cutting ties to the people in my life. If there were no older kids involved this decision would be a snap. Everyone else would have to suck it up and make the adjustment. There are days when I feel having male children may have been easier. Thank you for your advice.

What is the situation with your children, if you don't mind sharing?

I have much thinking to do.

Overheadsmash.... you've been thinking about this since 2007!  That's a LOT of thinking.  Maybe you are over-thinking it, and it's time to just take some action?

Having children also makes the move tougher. Some people think moving across the world when you are in your early 50's has more to do with a midlife crisis than simply wanting to follow the person who makes you happy.Not a easy thing for some people to accept.

That's exactly my scenario. I moved here at age 51 with two grown children in the States. I don't think my immediate family (being my mother and my sister) supported my move because they thought I was being selfish moving here to be with a woman, although I heard that second hand. It was never said directly to me. The ones who supported and accepted it most were my two sons.