Leaving Adult Kids in US

I'm just curious how any of you who have left behind adult children in the US have dealt with it.  I don't feel right leaving my son behind in the US, however, I also don't want to give up my dream of living in UK some day.  At this point he doesn't see himself ever wanting to live outside the US.  He is 24 and still lives at home.  However, by the time he is settled and on his own, etc., it might be easier.  Still, it's hard to fathom living in a different country from him because we are so close.  I need him to meet a nice British girl!  lol.

Any advice as to how you've dealt with this kind of separation?  Did you feel guilty leaving your adult kids behind?  Were they bothered if you did or were they happy for you?

We left our grown up children in the US when we moved to Asia. No 1 child had been out of college for a few years and was settled in a different city. No 2 child had just left college and was starting his first job. We felt doubly guilty as we had moved them to the US in the first place, and they had no family to fall back on.

Although we all missed each other, and continue to do so, we are looking at the next posting in the UK as "just over the pond", and not far away at all! After being 16 hours ahead we will only be 8 hours ahead, and will be able to speak to each other in the same calendar day. Flights will reduce to 9 hours instead of 27!

We've developed ways of coping with the distance (Skype, FaceTime, Flickr to keep up with photos, texting, emailing etc) and make the most of our time together. Its definitely a different way of living but we make it work.

Well, I've never left grown children in another country, but that's probably because I don't have any grown children yet! 

But I AM a grown child (okay, so . . . I'm a little past childhood) and my own mother lives half the year or more in her home country (not the UK or the US).  And I don't know if she's felt guilty at all, but she shouldn't have.  I don't feel the least bit of resentment about it--she needs to go where she's happy!  The only concern I would have is if she didn't have a handle on things, like say she went there to live but couldn't take care of herself for some reason.  Then I would worry.  But she's pretty independent and capable, so . . . nope.  She's an adult, I'm an adult.  Why should she stick around if traveling or living somewhere else is what makes her feel like she's getting the most out of life?

Then again, I've definitely got a "different" personality/perspective on this than a lot of people (even some of my siblings).  I'm not a homebody, have never been super attached to my parents and wanting to be all in their business or have them in mine.  I love them, but we're not the kind of family where they're always watching my kids for me, etc.  They love their grandchildren, but they have lives.

So your own children may have other views, especially if they haven't moved out yet and still depend on you to pay bills and such.  Fly, little birdie, fly!

I'm about to face this situation. DS is nearly 32 and still lives at home. He will stay in the family home, take care of the cat and see how he feels in a year or two. He's been through some tough patches and the best job he can find is in retail. So we will have to continue to help him out financially. I'm worried that he will have another meltdown. He has a fair number of health issues as it is. He was born in the UK so it would make sense for him to come "home" too. We'll have to see how it plays out (I wish he'd find a nice British girl too!!  )

I left two grown sons (25 & 23) in the States when I moved over here. I was a single parent for all but the first few years of their lives and I had discussed my plans with them for at least a year before I moved. Just as we want nothing more than happiness for our children, I believe they want the same for us. So far neither has expressed any distress over me living here.

That said, leaving them was the hardest part of this decision and as they move along, have children of their own, etc it will always be the one thing in the USA that will tug at me.

I am going to be leaving my now 17 year old behind in October(ish), he will 18 then and going to community college. I know he will be fine, he is a responsible young man who is quite capable of looking after himself and besides my mother (who he will be living with when I move and he is going to college) we have lots of family round here. He doesn't want to move to the UK, he likes to visit and gets along great with my husband and his family and he has no problem and is happy for me to have found a good man and go on to live my life with him in London, actually all my family is happy for me to move over there, they want to come visit!
I am the one who is freaking out and am turning into a hovering, overprotective, let me do everything for you, you are the one and only most precious child in the world, Mother..... Aaaack!
 I know its because now the move to the UK is becoming a reality and he is growing up and going out into the big bad world beyond high school, thats why this is happening to me, this is not a good thing, I will end up turning him into one of those sons who lives at home in my basement, forever    so it is probably  a very good thing for both of us that I am moving away! 

PS I used to be on this forum a while back, have come back as the time for the move will be here before I know it

Thank you all for your input.  It's so nice to hear from people outside of my immediate circle.  My mom is very attached to her kids and she is still unhappy that I moved about 20 miles away from her!  I can only imagine what will happen if/when I move to England.  lol.  She wants all of her little chickees near the next even though (get this) we are 46 (me), 57 and 60 (my sisters).  Now how's that for a laugh?

I guess that's prob why I have this guilt at the thought of leaving my son.  Of course he has had some troubles (of his own making) and is not terribly independent.  On the other hand, perhaps it would be good for him.  I would hope that he'd be on his own and maybe in a relationship and that would make me feel better about going.

At any rate, I do have to realize that I have to live my own life and that really includes my dream of living in England.  That was a dream even before I met my husband.  My family is from England on both sides and came to America as far back as the 1680s.  For whatever reason, I've always felt a connection to England and even if we lived there for a year or two, that would be an achievement for me.  I kind of think I'd probably never want to leave once I got there.  lol.

Reading your responses helps me to realize that it's probably best to detach a bit and we certainly could talk on the phone, Skype, etc.  And it would be a lot of fun to visit back and forth.  I just need to reset my thinking a bit.  I was a single mom from when he was two until he was twelve and we just got so close.  I tend to become overly responsible in every area of my life.  Maybe it's time to do something for me.

DW moved here in 2008 and left her daughter back in US who was 19 at the time and had recently moved in with her boyfriend so we felt she was settled.

Unfortunately it hasn't worked out that way, they split up not long after DW had moved here and it caused some friction between DW and DSD (step daughter!) to the point that when we got married in US DSD wouldn't come to wedding or even see DW whilst we were there. That lasted about 8 months I think until we went over the next year for Thanskgiving and saw her.
DSD has had a hard time of it losing her job etc and that is the one thing that hurts DW, she misses her daughter and that is the one thing about moving to the UK that she misses.
DSD has visited us twice, we get on great, the 2 of them are so close. DSD loved it here, I have 2 nephews and a niece that live close by and are similar ages to DSD and they all get on. She gets on particularly well with 1 nephew who is just a couple of months different in age and she thinks of him more like a brother.
So she'd really like to move here but it's not easy.

At any rate, I do have to realize that I have to live my own life and that really includes my dream of living in England. 

That's very much how DW saw it. She had to do it for herself. We were both pretty open about who should move, I would have been prepared to go there but we worked out all pros and cons and the UK won out. One factor in that was that we thought DSD was settled.
DW does not regret moving, she likes it here and I often overhear her, when we are in company, saying to people "I never want to move back", which is comforting to here, I like that she is so settled. That's not to say I wouldn't move over there but it just makes things so much easier if there's no thought that she may be unhappy. But she really misses her daughter.

Of course he has had some troubles (of his own making) and is not terribly independent.  On the other hand, perhaps it would be good for him.  I would hope that he'd be on his own and maybe in a relationship and that would make me feel better about going.

I understand completely what you are talking about here because even though my older son was very independent and working and living on his own, my younger son was quite content to live with me and work a dead end job and basically have no responsibility at age 21. I always joke that the only way to get him out of my house was to move 4000 miles away. He moved in with my sister when I left, and has now found a place of his own with his girlfriend and is working full time. I reassure myself that things have worked out fine either despite or because of me moving here.

I am facing this myself.  We are supposed to be moving over this summer, and my eldest will have just turned 18 and deosn't want to go to college yet.  i feel sick about leaving him behind.  We have been talking about this job opportunity of mine for over a year and initially he said he would go to college in the UK.  Now that I am thisclose to have the details of my job transfer sorted our, he has changed his mind.  At this point, it would be career suicide with my current employer if I back out of this job.  Plus, I really, REALLY want this job and to try living in the UK.  I just know that I will miss him and worry about him so much. I just keep hoping that being forced to be independant will be the making of him rather than the breaking of him. I just don't want to pass up this chance and then resent him because I stayed in the US to watch him be a bum.

Anyhow, it is nice to know that I am not alone with thee feelings. 

Why does this have to be so hard???     lol.  Obviously people do leave their families behind.  I'm just not sure if I can do it.  My son and I are just so close.  I also have two sisters and my parents are in their 80s.  Wish we'd have went when my son was young and my parents were younger.

Of course, an ideal situation would be if we could live back and forth between the two countries.    I just don't see that working with our current financial situation.  Maybe in the future when we are independently wealthy.  lol.

We may be facing this as well.  The kids expect us to be moving within the next few years and our oldest had the realization that she wouldn't be going with us (both kids are in Uni and DD is already planning her own next move after graduation in a year).  I think she's more upset with the fact that she is no longer part of the 'adventure' as she was when she was growing up, than us leaving her.  The deal, no matter where and when we go is that we have a guest room and enough money to be able to fly them to us a few times per year and vice versa... 

Of course, an ideal situation would be if we could live back and forth between the two countries.    I just don't see that working with our current financial situation.  Maybe in the future when we are independently wealthy.  lol.

I'm not sure I'd want to do this. I find shuttling back and forth very unsettling. I just want to be -- all of us -- on one side of the Atlantic. But each to their own.

The deal, no matter where and when we go is that we have a guest room and enough money to be able to fly them to us a few times per year and vice versa...

This will pretty much be my situation, I have done a lot of thinking and have decided to look upon it as an adventure and opening the door to both families to explore another country,  if we weren't in this situation the chances of either family going  across the ocean would be slim to none, but now they will (hopefully)! Not to mention it is a huge opportunity for my son to see the rest of the world, he will have the chance to fly back and forth to the UK from our little town and to go on to Paris or Munich or Rome or wherever he wants in Europe!
How cool is that 
 I will miss him terribly when I move away, he is my one and only child and up until 3 years ago its always just been the two of us. He is going to college in September and all that involves and just won't need me in his world as much and besides, I will only be a plane ride away so as long as I think of it this way its not so painful.
But the tradeoff  will be that he gets to see the big wide world and when he gets married and has kids, my grandkids (omg)! will be able to come spend summers in England with granny & grandpa! (Hopefully that will be a long time away as he is only 17 now, grrrr!)
So all in all I think it will work out, I'm sure there will be bumps along the road and I will wish desperately that we were all together, but I reassure myself that I have done the best I can in raising him and he will go on to be a good man, whether I am next to him constantly looking over his shoulder or 3500 miles away......Actually come to think of it, he will probably be a better man if I am not there next to him constantly looking over his shoulder!