I hate living here

I've been in the UK for two months now and I hate it. Don't get me wrong the people are lovely but I can't stand it. I sold my car before coming over and now I have to walk everywhere. The shops close so early and there's nothing to do but go to a pub. I haven't made one friend. I can't get a job, can't even find a place to volunteer my time until I'm allowed to look for work.I just sit in the house or walk to the Coop if we need something. Our wedding is in 5 weeks and we don't even have enough money for it.

I miss the States and want to go back so badly. If I didn't love my fiance so much I think I would have left after the first month. How do people cope? How do you get used to the small flats, small washing machines, being an outsider?

My mom told me I could go home to her at any time and I looked up flights today. I'm tempted, so tempted to leave and start over again.

Hi Gabriella!

First off: hugs!!!!!   

It's tough for everyone in the beginning- especially for people on a fiance visa not being able to work.  So you're not alone. 

Is there a library that organises activities in your area?  An activity you have an interest in or want to try can be a good way to meet new people. 

Maybe get your provisional driving license and start studying for the driving tests here?  You'd have something to do and once you get your license, you'll feel like you've got a lot more freedom. 

If you're really homesick, you could go home for a planned visit.    Who knows... maybe you'll go back and be homesick for your home in the UK. 

Have a talk with your fiance.    Maybe the stress of getting married, not being able to work and adjusting to a new country is a lot to do right now, but will get easier after you're married and have been here for a while, gotten settled and gotten a job. 

Plus, soon it won't be winter!!!!  So it will be warm and you'll be able to go outside without freezing!!! 

I know this is a small thing, but DH and I get flowers every other week or so and they always perk me up.    I've got a bouquet with daffodils now (half price Mother's Day flowers!) and they smell sooooo nice.    I can almost imagine summer is coming.    Sun....... warmth...... green..... mmmmmm    Summer in the UK is a lot nicer than winter. 

I hope you find what is right for you. 

Thanks TravellingFrog

The library doesn't really have anything that I can get to or is for people my age. I'm in my early 40s and most of the people in this town or elderly. Believe me I check everytime I go in there. I don't go to church so that leaves me out of a lot of stuff here as well since there are 5 churches in a 1 mile radius. I've checked the local newspaper several times for activities as well.

I guess it's because I'm a doer. In NY there was always something going on. Plus I had a few friends at work. Getting up for work always gave me a purpose. Here I feel like I don't have one at all except to clean and cook.  My OH knows how I feel since he caught me crying a few times already. While we can't afford a trip to NY right now He promises once I start to work we can both save for the trip.

Can you direct me to where I can find info for my driver's license? Maybe that will keep me busy for a while. I've been driving for over 25 years. I can't stop now. Hopefully if I stay I can afford to get a car one day.

Thanks for trying to cheer me up. I appreciate it.

Blaaaaaah! I soooo remember feeling that way, every freakin' day!
It was so hard.
I seriously did this for like 6 months: woke up, made the hubby a coffee and some eggs, kissed him goodbye, and the moment he was out the door I was looking at flights home!

I have been here two years now, which is NOT very long at all, and things are very different.

Some of the difference are good and a few sort of suck, but it is all different, so expect change!

Driving costs money, so if you are tight on funds that might not be much of an option. How about Meetup.com for some meet up groups?!

What else did I do?
I... Um... Oh, I tried gardening and killed our entire garden! I decided to 'redo' all of our shabby chic tables! That was easy and fun! I went to the craft shop and now they look really cool. I adopted 2 crazy kittens. I became a 'happy housewife cook' but that did not last long... I did a lot of exploring. I found strange, local historical sights, made a list of them, and went to one of them every week.

The worst thing you can possibly do is sit home staring at Facebook all day!!!!

We all feel like this when we get here - it will most likely pass.

It takes time.

How do people cope? How do you get used to the small flats, small washing machines, being an outsider?

It takes time. I was lucky, I came here on a student visa. I was on my MA program when I met my DH and had my own schedule and things to do. When I moved to be in the same city to be with him I had my own place an job. This made things easier for me, but in that second winter there were times I started packing my things and looking at flights back to the US.

One thing that helps is to stop comparing things to the US. It's a different country and things are different here. Wishing things were like the things back home will not help you learn to adjust to things as they are here.

Secondly, you need to get out more. Join a club. Go on a walk. See what free things are on offer in the town where you are. It's really hard when money is an issue and voulenteering/working is not an option. You can also start looking at jobs, polishing your CV, etc so everything is ready to go once you can start applying for jobs.

Has your DF introduced you to anyone? Has he offered you any real support on this? Have you told him how you feel? It's hard to be the one that leaves everything behind and he needs to be sympathetic about that.

Also you may want to just get married now to get the ball started on the FLR(M) and the ability to work that comes with it. Something to think about.

There are lots of threads on here that give ideas on what to do when you are on a fiance visa. Maybe you can look for one of those?

Its hard when you move somewhere new, especially when you move to a totally different country. I've done it a couple of times and am just embarking on establishing myself in a new town. (And I have my husband with me, he's just started a new job so we're both facing challenges).

Its different for you as your fiance doesn't have these challenges to face. I can only tell you what I do when we move: I try anything and everything to start meeting people, and then choose what fits best. I have to push myself to do this, but have met some really good friends in the most unlikely places, some of them have turned out to be in the same situation.

There are a few things going on in Grange over Sands, they might not be exactly what you're looking for but might give you somewhere to start making friends, or at least finding things to do to fill your days. A quick google search turned up these links:

http://sigbi.org/grange-over-sands/
http://www.grangeoversands.net/community-information/clubs-organisations/social-groups/social-groups-in-grange-over-sands
http://www.grange-now.co.uk/Grange%20Now%20252%20Augustproof%20.pdf - a quick scan of this publication turned up a reading group, a theatre going group, and a walking group, who knows what else might have started since last August?
http://www.charitychoice.co.uk/allithwaite--and-cartmel-womens-institute-120945

Good luck!

I'll just say there's culture shock, and then there's CULTURE SHOCK! I'd imagine going from NYC to Grange over Sands - well that is a BIG change. You are in a relatively isolated location over there. 

What about getting on the train or bus & just going to a slightly bigger place for day or just somewhere different?  Carlisle?  Kendal?  Manchester?

I think I'd be going stir crazy too if I was from a major international city, and moved to a tiny place far away from any major cities.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of good advice - it does get better - but I'd say, get out & explore the broader area as much as you can!

Sorry, posted just at the time when other replies were also posted.

Here's how to apply for your provisional driving license: https://www.gov.uk/apply-first-provisional-driving-licence

Please don't write off the retired community as not being worth spending time with just because you are in your 40's! You don't know who will be at clubs and activities until you give them a try and there might be plenty of young minded people in older bodies! (Speaking as one in her 50's whose best friends are in their early 60's, and have more energy then me!)

Learn the buses and trains.  It's a fallacy that cars are required for independence.  I've never owned a car, but have travelled and lived all over the world.  Public transport can be iffy in smaller communities, but there's bound to be buses in your area.  Figure out where they go, and you can do some exploring.  Then feel proud of yourself for being adventurous  .

Are you from NYC, or NY State?

Visit London!!!

I agree the OP would find London more similar to what she may be accustomed, but London will be a 3-4 hour train journey for her - more like a weekend getaway, than an easy day trip, IMO. 

Fruitgum gave you the link for the provisional license and you will need that before taking the theory and practical tests, but you are allowed to drive in the UK on your US license for one year.    So if you've been here a few months now, you'll be able to drive on your US license for a bit longer.    But after that, you would need a UK license.  

It's a bit of a process, though.  You'll want a few lessons to learn to drive the 'UK way' so you can pass the tests (but keep in mind the practical test only has a 50% first-time pass rate in some parts of the country- only 40% in London!) and you'll need to book those lessons, plus the two tests a few week/months out.    So it requires a bit of planning, but it will give you something to do.  

Even if you don't have a car or aren't on the insurance, it will give you something to do and will give you a bit more freedom (or at least the feeling).  

Besides driving and joining a group, are there any crafts you're interested in?  I crocheted nearly all the Christmas gifts we gave this past year and it was a great way to spend my time.  

Now we've got peas, tomatoes and bell peppers growing in our flat.    The plants keep me company while DH is out and their lunchtime watering gives me a bit of a schedule to keep to.  

I've tried cooking and baking new dishes since I got here.  I started from scratch since I couldn't be bothered convert recipes AND ingredients to UK standards (the flour is different and some ingredients are tough to find).  

I've created my signature banana nut muffins and made them even tastier by making my own applesauce (tough to find American applesauce here, so I had to make my own!  Soooooo yummy!) to use as an egg replace since DH's grandad doesn't eat eggs.    

This is one of the few times I'll have a chance to experiment and take on new projects like this.    It is hard to get motivated sometimes (especially when it's so cooooold!), but when I do, it's fun.  

My next mission is to conquer bread.  

I can't get a job, can't even find a place to volunteer my time until I'm allowed to look for work.

If you are here on a fiance visa, you can't do any paid or unpaid work and that includes volunteering.

I've created my signature banana nut muffins and made them even tastier by making my own applesauce (tough to find American applesauce here, so I had to make my own!  Soooooo yummy!) to use as an egg replace since DH's grandad doesn't eat eggs.    

Small hijack:  I don't eat eggs and I use the equivalent amount of full fat yogurt (or even vegetable oil works) instead.

Are you interested in any outdoorsy things like climbing or walking?  Are there public transportation links (bus, train) to the countryside where you are?

Is there anything (besides crafts and cooking / baking which are all great suggestions) you'd really like to try like learning an instrument, maybe an art class?  Check the local colleges for adults' night classes (or even daytime classes) for fun and interesting new things to try...

I'm not from NYC but about an hour and half from it. So close enough where my town was pretty busy with major stores and roads. I've always had a car to jump into and go where ever I needed to go. I had a great job as well.  So Grange is a big change for me. We were suppose to be living in Lancaster by the time I moved in January but it didn't happen.

Thank you all for your links and advise. I'm going to check them out and get cracking on something. I can't sit here and not try to work on it. I'm also going to see if I can make an appointment with a mental health person. This constant sobbing and feeling sorry for myself isn't helping either. Now if I can just figure out if I'm allowed to use the NHS yet.  I do like photography and have a pretty decent camera and some lens. I go out sometimes and take photos to show my friends back home what it's like where I live. Maybe I'll take a train to the next few towns and take pictures around there.

Thank you again.