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Topic: Silver lining to dealing with the distance  (Read 1710 times)

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Silver lining to dealing with the distance
« on: July 19, 2013, 01:22:42 PM »
Long-distance relationships might actually enhance bonds of intimacy, promoting healthier, more lasting relationships, according to a study in the Journal of Communication.

The full research article is available free(!): http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jcom.12029/full

If you prefer a summary news report, one's here: http://www.today.com/health/long-distance-love-may-be-stronger-you-think-new-study-6C10660702

So, for everyone stressing overwaiting for visas or still doing the back-and-forth: Hang in there. It's a tough slog, but at least you might be doing well by your relationship for enduring the distance. (I know I feel the distance was good for us, and made us more sure we wanted to get hitched -- because we loved our independence, but found we actually liked being together even more than that. Who knew?)


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Re: Silver lining to dealing with the distance
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2013, 01:23:06 PM »
Great article, thanks for sharing! Validation for what I feel to be true! :)

Whenever I would explain my situation to a new person, I'd inevitably get questions about how lonely I must be or how little time the Mr and I had to share. 'Quite the opposite,' I would tell them. 'I get to talk to him everyday, we text and Skype, we send pictures. I talk to him more than any other one person, any given day. Can you say that about your partner?' The look on most faces said they could not.

The long-distance phase of our relationship was very successful, as we both feel happier and better for it. The new living-together phase is soon to start, which will have its ups and downs and specific frustrations, but isn't that the case of every couple that decided to share a home?


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Re: Silver lining to dealing with the distance
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2013, 09:39:58 AM »
Long-distance relationships might actually enhance bonds of intimacy, promoting healthier, more lasting relationships, according to a study in the Journal of Communication.

Yeah, a lot of folks on here use that as argument to validate their long distance relationships.  But, really the key to any relationship is communication, whether its on skype or at the dinner table next to each other.  
I've never gotten food on my underpants!
Work permit (2007) to British Citizen (2014)
You're stuck with me!


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Re: Silver lining to dealing with the distance
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2013, 01:29:08 PM »
I've been married to my LDR for Almost 15 years I don't feel we are special and our relationship is just like anyone else's. Communication is still key


Re: Silver lining to dealing with the distance
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2013, 05:41:10 PM »
There's a distinction being missed here: The research isn't at all about validation of relationships, but rather about working toward validating a theory of how a relationship's split geography might affect communication quality. Similarly, I'm not trying to validate anyone's relationship by posting, but rather noting (with a positive approach) that individuals might unwittingly be creating and experiencing better quality of communication by virtue of the distances in their relationships.

That's not to dismiss the cultural pressures that a lot of people face when pursuing a long-distance relationship. Per the author:

'... this topic is understudied because the public and even many scholars firmly believe that geographic proximity and frequent face-to-face (FtF) contact are necessary for developing mutual understanding, shared meanings, and emotional attachment in romantic relationships ... . LD relationships obviously stand in contrast to these cultural values, and hence are viewed as problematic or atypical relational states. ...

Counter to these intuitions, a limited but growing body of research which has compared LD dating relationships with geographically close (hereafter referred to as GC) ones has consistently found that, on average, the relationship stability, satisfaction, and trust reported by LD couples are equal to or better than those reported by GC couples ... . Importantly, the quality of LD relationships is apparently not driven by the amount of communication involved. Compared to GC couples, LD couples spend less time together FtF and have only an equal amount of mediated communication ... . Distance may shape the communication goals LD couples want to achieve and give rise to corresponding changes in cognition and behavior that tend to stabilize the relationship ... .'

Those cognitive and behavioral changes result in measurable differences in perceptions of stability, satisfaction and trust compared with face-to-face relationships -- running counter to what many participants in long-distance relationships are told. (I didn't particularly have that experience with my friends or family, but I'm certainly aware it occurs.) The increases in perception scores are not to be equated with special; that would be intellectually dishonest.

In fact, no one here used the word special, nor does the scholarly article. 'Special' -- whatever that's meant to imply -- isn't quantifiable; it's subjective. But in defining the terms of the study (e.g., trust) as much as possible and creating a scoring matrix, a subjective concept such as intimacy can be measured with some degree of objectivity. (One of the difficulties posed by social sciences is that hard numbers are difficult to come by; there will always be some degree of bias inherent in humans' inability to completely divorce themselves from cultural creation of connotation in language. The goal is to minimise and report with that bias in mind, which I think the author does well here.)

Back to the author: 'Future research must address the issue and examine how the intimacy process may operate differently across a wider range of LD relationships.' Another acknowledgement that this bit of research does not validate anything or anybody, but rather begs for more research on communication processes and intimacy development.

Further, the research suggests nothing about what happens after an LDR turns into a face-to-face relationship. But I would posit that it's not wildly out of the question that the initial communication structures and approaches built by the LDR would last to some extent once the nature of the relationship changes. Once patterns of interpersonal communication are established, they tend to form the basis for later patterns. (I know I'm asserting that un-cited, but I don't have time to get on JSTOR at the moment to pull up references and their PDFs.)


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Re: Silver lining to dealing with the distance
« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2013, 06:37:29 PM »
Seahorse...I love your passion! Thanks for your thoughtful comments! 
Jan 2012  >  stars aligned & we met online
Feb 2012 - May 2013  >  lots of back & forth 
May 2013  >  biometrics & fiancĂ© application
Jun 2013  >  fiancĂ© visa approved (5 wk process w/o priority)
Oct 2013  >  married in the Peak District
Nov 2013 > FLR(M) approved (Croydon PEO)
Apr 2016 > FLR(M) approved (Croydon PEO)


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