I HATE IT HERE. Please help me out :((((

Hello all,
I am new here. Happy to have found this forum. Anyways, about me. Long story short, my husband got deported to Romania from the US. He was in jail for some type of fraud, 14 months, I stood by him the whole time....the whole time! I even gave him a pretty big amount of money to help out with his restitution he owed to the courts. Even though he was married to me, a US citizen..his conviction got him deported in 2012. But, since the UK and Romania are both EU countries, he decided to move to London December 2012. I came to visit him last year, did not like it, had a 2 way ticket, and our son(2 at the time) and I went back to the US in March of last year, after staying for almost 2 months. I wasn't sure at the time that our marriage was going to work, knowing that he may never come back to the States. That's my home....  So son and I came back to Atlanta, GA and then my husband and I reconnected our relationship from far away. Things were getting better, he was working steadily, opened up his own flooring business here, communicating with me, and with his son, overall he seemed changed and seemed to want us back in his life. I want to make it clear that he stopped his "criminal" behavior, and completely changed from what he was doing in the US....

Anyways. I decided that I want to come back to the UK, and make it work between us. And for my son to have a dad....his dad left at 1 and I raised him by myself for almost 2 yrs...he is 3 and a half now. In December of 2013, we came back here to London, where I presently am. I hate it here. I really do. I am unhappy. Our relationship is going downhill again. Not communicating effectively, he works 12-13 hrs day, and I am a stay at home mom. I try to get out as much as I can, London is a city with so many things to do. But I can't love it, I just can't. I want to come back to the US, to where all my family is. My grandma is getting old, her health is failing, and God forbid I would hate if something happened to her and I wasn't there to at least say goodbye. I've lost everything in the US, my house got foreclosed on, my credit shot, everything went down hill...what do I do? I understand no one is in a position on what to do, but I would at least like some opinions or advice. I am desperate here and do not know what way to turn. Thank you for listening.

I'm sorry to hear your life in London isn't panning out at the moment. I understand GA holds a very big place in your heart and that you miss your family terribly. Homesickness sucks! However, like you said; London is a big city. There's so much to do here and a lot of opportunity for you to start fresh. I think it speaks highly of you as a person to stand by your husband during all of his struggles and perhaps you feel like you've sacrificed a lot to be where you are now. So why not try to make the best of it? You said you arrived in December and it's mid March now.. That's only 3 months away from the states. Perhaps you could give yourself a year or so to properly settle in and give London a chance.

I know what it's like to be a single mom and do everything on your own (even when you're married to someone else). My first marriage felt like that.. It sounds to me, the reason why you two may be having communication issues is because he's not around enough and you feel a bit deserted at home. It's important to remember that in marriage there is a lot of give and take; sometimes more give than take. Also, if he's working these long hours, it's to provide a suitable home for the three of you. Naturally, he may not be in pleasant mood after a long shift at work or very talkative for that matter. I do think it's a must to make time for one another. Perhaps you could sit him down on a day where he's not working or is on a shorter shift and talk to him about your concerns. Then, encourage him to do the same.

Ultimately, I feel the best thing you can do is try to focus on the positive aspects of living in a foreign country. Maybe start volunteering, join a club or get a part time job to get you out of the house and interacting with others. There's always a silver lining in the worst situations. At least that's been my experience in life. I hope this doesn't sound silly, but I wish I could give you a big hug, because I've been where you have (minus the deportation stuff). Please feel free to private message me if you ever need an ear to vent to. I do truly hope things get better for you.

You are so sweet. Thank you for your reply. Truth is I need a big hug. Today has been bad, I have been crying off and on most morning. I have already been here 3 months, today, and it's a sad "anniversary" I guess. You're right, he works hard to provide for us. And that is what I appreciate about him now. He changed his life for the better, and is trying to make the most of it. But being non communicative is one of the worst traits to have in a marriage We see each other an hour a night, then we go to bed and that's that. Sometimes he doesn't even see our son, because he is already asleep by then. Not sure what I want yet. I just want some piece of mind. A sign from God into what I need to do. I am so lost and confused...

What part of London are you in? I'm in Highgate (North London) and wouldn't mind meeting up for a cup of coffee or tea some day soon. We can bring our kids if you like, I know it's hard getting a sitter when you're in a new place.

If I'm reading your forum handle correctly, it looks like you and I are the same age (27) and believe me, at this age, I thought I would be further in life than I am. But, I try to look at the bright side. I know how it is to have a husband you hardly see, mine works in IT and pulls long shifts. Today it's a 12-8 shift, usually gets home an hour later and I'm usually eating dinner alone (his plate is in the microwave). I respect and love him dearly for working so hard to provide us with a good life. As for us expats; this is part of the sacrifice we make when we start over.. I pulled my daughter out of an amazing school where all the kids loved her and now I'll be lucky to get her into a school in the next 2-4 months with all the delays and procedures the local authority puts you through.

So believe me when I say, I know what you're going through Again, look for that silver lining! Look at the positives to living in this great city.. There are so many things you can do for free or close to it. You sound like you could use a friend, so please feel free to reach out. I have nothing but time. MAJOR hugs! xx

LittleMissSarcasm - you really are sweet!  What lovely posts you've written to the OP. I'm glad there was someone who can really relate to how she's feeling.

I've not much to add as I am 20 years older with no kids, my DH works from home, I live in Yorkshire and I love it here. However - I just wanted to point out to Dreea that your 3 months here have all been in the winter. I spent 11 years in southern USA and I know the winter was probably faaaar from what you're used to. Give the spring and summer a chance! It most likely won't be hot, but it will be far nicer. We had a lovely summer last year for the most part.

Chin up! You said your husband started his own flooring business. Having one's own business take a LOT of time, I know, especially the first few years. Perhaps when the business grows, he'll be able to hire more staff and have more time at home.

Hi Dree.  Thanks for sharing what you're going through; that's brave to talk about with strangers.  I hope I'm not misunderstanding your post, but it really sounded to me like there are serious relationship struggles (prison, lack of parental involvement for a stretch of time, & lending a large sum of money to help correct a partner's past mistakes aren't small issues for sure). 

For me (on FLRm), I am very pragmatic about the power dynamics of a relationship like ours...if it doesn't work out, I would need to return to the US & essentially start over.  That's a big thing.  It can add a lot of stress if there are already other relationship stressors in the marriage. 

Not knowing you, I can only say that for me I think I would really search my heart to decide if this is a marriage/relationship that you think will give you the life (in another country) that will make you feel loved, safe, & whole.  If not, perhaps being with your family & support system in the US makes sense.  I don't know that your pain is about London as much as it seems to be about the relationship.  I hope that makes sense & doesn't sound overly pessimistic....I don't mean it that way....I'm just a bit of a pragmatist.  I hope things become more clear as time goes on~

Something else you really need to consider is where you really intend to raise your child.  It won't be long before he is in full time school and this will tie you down. It isn't realistic to think that you can just pull him up out of school and haul him across the continents if you change your mind or things don't work out.  Once maybe, but ultimately, at some point, for the child's sake, you'll need to decide where you want to be and stay put either in one place or the other.

The "process" to gaining your permanent residency in the UK is not automatic by any means. It isn't cheap either. You have to be serious and committed and decide that this is what you want to do.

You also have to decide if what little you have invested into your marriage at this point, and also, what little your husband has invested into the child as a father, is worth nurturing, developing and holding on to for the "forever".  The child is at an age now where memories are forming and character is developing.  If you think at all that there's a chance you cannot be happy here and will ultimately be happier at home in the States amongst the support of extended family and friends, NOW is the time to make that decision.  I think the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be for your child, especially once he has established a bond here with the father.

Then you should ask yourself also, if you do decide to stay and become resident here, can you be sure that your husband (who is not even a UK citizen?) will not want to later pick up and move back to Romania or elsewhere?  And then where would this leave you and your child?

You seem like a sweetheart and to me it seems like you're in a difficult place with some very hard decisions to make. Nobody can tell you what to do.  However, if this were me, I think I would cut my losses, pursue an amicable separation and take my kid back home and raise him in a familiar environment with the support of immediate family and whoever else you have around you. I take it you were married in the States? Had this child in the States? You were trying to do the right thing at the time but globe trotting isn't part of the deal unless you want it to be.

Do you have parents that you get along with at home in the States?  If so, I would let them speak and consider their feelings in all of this too.

Hi everyone, sorry I have not responded, but haven't had much time to get online. Still am in a difficult position, not much has changed feeling wise since I last posted. I have bad days...and better days...but not good days, as of yet. I appreciate everyone's advice, and I like to hear both sides of the issue, so I can get an idea. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and ultimately will have to make a decision. My tourist visa expires June 16, but since I was also born in Romania I can use my EU rights to stay here by getting a passport from Romania. My child is in preschool here, at the moment, so at least that gives HIM something to do and not be stuck in the house all day. The hardest part of this is that my son always asks for his daddy. Where is he? When is he coming home? I want to play with daddy when he gets home...that is torturing on me. What happens if we go back to the States....and he starts with the questions. It will break my heart in 2, to inform him that we are NOT going back to daddy, and will probably never see him again. God, this is so hard. I am turning 28 next month and feel like I am all over the place. I also have bi-polar disorder (on medication that is running out soon) and feel like I am falling into a depression. I have a question. Can I utilize a doctor here and get some depression and my bipolar pills? Doesn't matter that I have to pay out of pocket, I just really need to go. Anymore advice, I am "listening". Thank you all so much again.

Yes, you can go to a doctor and see if you can get your prescriptions there, but as you are on a tourist visa, you'll need to insist they charge you for the appointment.

Yes, you can go to a doctor and see if you can get your prescriptions there, but as you are on a tourist visa, you'll need to insist they charge you for the appointment.

Why would she "insist" that she be charged for an appointment.  Her husband is resident here.  When I was coming over to the UK on a tourist VISA before I had my residency, my husband simply took me to A&E when I was in a bad way (needed a prescription) and he/we never were charged. And they knew I wasn't resident here and that was before we were married.

The OP is on a tourist visa and is not entitled to free treatment at the local surgery (except in certain circumstances, such as birth control). Unfortunately many GP's surgeries don't know the ins and outs of who is entitled to free treatment, and therefore may not bill the patient, or decline to bill. Having outstanding NHS debt could cause problems if the OP applies to settle in the UK.

When you were treated at the ER this would have been deemed an emergency, and emergency treatment is free for visitors to the UK.

Why would she "insist" that she be charged for an appointment.  Her husband is resident here.  When I was coming over to the UK on a tourist VISA before I had my residency, my husband simply took me to A&E when I was in a bad way (needed a prescription) and he/we never were charged. And they knew I wasn't resident here and that was before we were married.

You are not eligible for free NHS treatment if you are on a visitor visa. End of story.

It doesn't matter if you are married to an EU or UK Citizen at the time, if you are not a UK or EU citizen yourself and you don't hold the correct visa yet (fiancé, spousal, or EEA family permit) then you must pay for your NHS treatment, unless it is emergency treatment.

If your treatment wasn't classed as emergency, you should have been charged and you should have insisted on being billed even if they told you that you didn't need to be.

If you have used the NHS as a visitor without paying for it and you have unpaid NHS debts of £1,000 or more when you apply for a spousal visa, they will automatically refuse your visa. The spousal visa application has a whole section asking whether you have used the NHS as a visitor, which hospital you were treated at and whether you paid for your treatment.

Thank you. I actually signed up with a GP today, close to where we live. Both my son and I did, actually. I told them I was on a tourist visa, showed them our US passports, and they took that info down. They didn't know about what to "charge" but they will look into it. I wanted to be as honest as possible with them, b/c I just frankly wouldn't feel comfortable going for free, if I am only visiting here....I hope to God that these pills will help me out more and clear my mind into what I need to do.

... but since I was also born in Romania I can use my EU rights to stay here by getting a passport from Romania. .....The hardest part of this is that my son always asks for his daddy. Where is he? When is he coming home? I want to play with daddy when he gets home...that is torturing on me. What happens if we go back to the States....and he starts with the questions. It will break my heart in 2, to inform him that we are NOT going back to daddy, and will probably never see him again. God, this is so hard...

It sounds like you have a few options.  But I suggest the sooner you make up your mind, the better it will be for the child. Keep in mind too, that lots of fathers work long hours that keep them away from their family. You can deal with it if you're truly committed to the relationship. It sounds like it's time for a round table discussion.  Keep in mind though that children are pretty resilient; they recover and they do bounce back.

Take care and I hope whatever decision you make, it will be the best one for you.

Hello everyone. It's me again Just letting you know that I went last week, refilled up on all my RX and even got some anxiety medication for the funkiness I have been going through. I am doing TONS better, no more crying breakdowns, I am getting out of the flat on a daily basis. Doing fun things with my son, while waiting for daddy to come home. I am applying for my NINO and am looking to find a job...anykind at this point just to get me out of the house and let me live a little bit. I have been doing the stay at home mom for almost 4 years now, and I think it's time. I have a Master's Degree from the States, so hopefully luck will strike me. Due to my medication, I am able to communicate more with my husband without throwing fits, we are getting along a lot better, and everything seems peachier for now, at least. We are going to visit Romania next month for a couple of weeks, so I am looking forward to that. Thank you everyone for giving me kind words and advice. Although nothing is set in stone yet, I am trying to take it day by day and keep taking everything in about London. Thanks again!