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Topic: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US  (Read 5512 times)

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Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« on: July 22, 2014, 05:09:21 PM »
I really need advice or someone to talk to. I moved here with my 3 kids in 2005 to be with husband. Almost soon as we arrived he started acting differently. He has been physically abusive several times, and mentally and emotionally abusive almost constantly. I believed it was me for a long time, so I bent over backwards thinking he would treat me better, but then he cut his wrists really bad and said I caused it. I have no friends here and only a sister in US. I don't know how to get out. My first husband was extremely abusive ... So I thought I'm never going thru that again, but here I am. I called embassy and begged for help but got nowhere. All I want is to go home but there seems to be no way out. All this husband does is play one of his consoles or phone all the time. I make sure bills are paid, I do all the house work, I mow grass and trim bushes, look after my kids and pets. I do everything and if I say anything he loses his temper straight away gets defensive and blames me for saying at the wrong time. I know I need to get away but I have nowhere To go. Also hope this helps someone not be in this situation. Think hard before moving ur life. Please advice..


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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2014, 05:52:20 PM »
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

Report him to the police for the domestic violence. Go to your GP and tell them how you are feeling. Don't suffer in silence.

It is hard to make life changing decisions when you are under so much pressure.

You may need to sort out the legal situation/custody of your joint child(ren) before you can go back to the US, if that is what you eventually decide to do. I have heard there might be hardship loans in repatriating if you cannot afford the plane tickets, when the situation gets sorted out.

The hardest thing to do will be to take that first step toward taking control of your life. No one can do that but you.
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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2014, 06:15:39 PM »
Thanks for replying. The kids are from 1st marriage, I was given permission by courts to move to UK with them because of the abuse. Also I called embassy and they want family and friends to help,  I only have a sister and I know she's not able to help financially. And I don't really have anyone else.  When I left 1st husband, all my friends were his friends, so I knew I couldn't count them as my friends.  So now I'm stuck with 2nd husband and no friends...I have been to GP and talk therapy. I don't find the gp helpful, but how much help can they be in 10 minutes.  And talk therapy really didn't solve anything. I have spoke to woman's aid and was told I could apply for housing. Which upsets me because if I'm stuck here, then my kids shouldn't have to move out when he has family he could stay with.  But he refuses....


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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2014, 07:54:23 PM »

Have you decided that you want to go back to the states?
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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2014, 08:39:04 PM »
Firstly, if at any time you feel in danger you need to call 999 and get support from the police.

If you want to stay in the UK you have some options:
Go to a refuge and apply for council housing/private housing;
Stay in your own home and get on the council list;
Get legal help to stay in your home and get your husband out.

If you want to go into refuge you can speak to the police, council or Women's Aid/Refuge/Local support and say you are unsafe in your own home and need to leave.

To get on the council list you'll need to go to the council and tell them about your situation, they may suggest that you go to refuge - but that is your choice to make.

You can get an injunction to get your husband to leave - legal aid has been reduced and you will need advice if it will work for you.

This page from Women's Aid will give you more information: Where can I go? - Housing options

This thread may be useful If you want to move back to the states but can't afford the plane ticket..... if you have made up your mind to return to the states.

Please get some support and see another GP who is more sympathetic.

There is local support available to you, please reach out to them for some in person support and advice.
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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2014, 10:51:09 AM »
I definitely want to move back and so do my children. My sister will let me start sending things to her when she has her own place, but that could be some time yet. I guess my biggest problem is my lack of any other family or friends. I've been trying to save up as well. I think maybe tips on best ways to ship things back that doesn't break me, and maybe someone who has gone through this can pass some knowledge on to me. And I did try embassy but I don't have anyone they can contact other than my sister. Can't say anymore right now. But I will check back later. Thank you for everyone's advice and info.


Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2014, 08:01:56 AM »
 I had hoped for some advice other than what I already tried or contacted. The reason I asked for help is because I have already tried everything else. 


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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2014, 11:00:13 AM »
I think everyone has given you the advice of what is available to you. Although you have already tried some of it, you need to try again. For instance, you should contact the embassy again and tell them the situation. Keep trying until you find someone who will really listen. And how about seeing another GP who might be able to help you? Also moving out may be better than staying while you are trying to leave the UK. Good luck.


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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2014, 01:27:04 PM »
Update on my situation.

He has finally gone. He acted nice and civil until he picked up a bunch of his belonging on the 9th. Then the day after, he proceeded to close all bill and bank accounts including ones in joint names telling them we had all moved out, and ones I told him I changed debit details on. And he has ceased all contact with me since since sept 10th. I've had to reapply for everything. All of our phones are still on contract under his name and I contacted him to get my kids and mine transferred to us and no responses. He still has belongings here but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with them. He knows I have no one here and he's tried to make everything as problematic as possible. I'm not ready to speak to solicitor yet, still to depressed and trying to sort out messes he keeps making and gathering proof of how he treated us all. And kicking myself for taking so long to get him out.


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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2014, 06:22:30 PM »
Please seek some in-person support - there are a ton of agencies local to you that I linked to that can offer you support. Don't allow him to continue to abuse and control you and your children. You have rights - even though you don't have any family here. There's a one stop shop local to you where you may be able to deal with all of your concerns at once (legal, money, domestic violence).

You may be able to access more/better help to address your depression. There is an 24 hour helpline that could be able to offer you/point you in the right direction for better support.

We can only offer advice here - you need to reach out for help irl. Don't let hime win - take control of your life and get things sorted. You might think you can't do it, but believe me, you can. You just need to get out there!

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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #10 on: September 28, 2014, 09:28:14 AM »
I've done all the above including one stop shop, saw Dr, called mind, woman's aid, Samaritans, embassy..I'm so very worn down mentally now and I just want to go back to US. :(


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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #11 on: September 28, 2014, 10:50:17 AM »
You really need to keep calling the US embassy and push for this option: If you want to move back to the states but can't afford the plane ticket.....

Does your sister have friends who are willing to be called by the embassy to say they are unwilling to lend you the money?
Or do you have anything you can sell to raise money?
August 2008 - Tier 4 - Student Visa
February 2010 - Tier 1 - PSW
January 2012 - FLR(M)
June 2014 - ILR (finally!)


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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #12 on: September 29, 2014, 11:18:43 AM »
Finally got everything together that housing asked for and still waiting to find out child benefit and tax credits. I'm going through everything trying to sort what to sell now and what to sell later, but nothing of any real value. I will try embassy again but honestly if they didn't help me before in the state I was in( in tears, slight breakdown) I can't see it happening. 


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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #13 on: September 29, 2014, 12:33:59 PM »
I tried that link, and I believe its outdated. :/


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Re: Seriously Need Advice on moving back to US
« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2014, 12:52:24 PM »
OK managed to get through to the embassy, they took my info and will get back to me.  I'm really hoping for good news....


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