How to find ways to cope in the UK. Help!!!

Hello, so this is my first time ever posting anything which goes to show I'm desperate for advice...

So I met my now husband about 2 years ago. At the time I was living in California and he of course was here in the UK. We fell inlove pretty quickly and started making plans straight away. Last year I came to stay with him for about 5 months which was our way to see how we would cope living together and how I would cope being in a different country, since he had 2 small boys, if we were to be together I would have to make the move. However, during those 5 months not only was he working a lot, but his ex wife wouldn't allow their boys to spend much time with Steven and I so in return he would be away doing activities with his boys while I waited for him to congee back. Those 5 months were hard, especially because we didn't get the time to do anything. So after going through that I left and went to NJ were my family is. I was there for a few months and then Steven and I decided that we wanted to be together, and we wanted to take things to the next level ( which I know seems really fast, but we had a really amazing connection ). In March of this year we married in the states. We went through the immigration standards with a lawyer which was another really difficult experience. The distance was putting a strain on us and the "not knowing" what was going to happen with my visa added a lot of difficulty.

We finally got the news we were waiting for that my spousal visa had been issued which was in mid September and we booked my flight to come back on the 22nd of September.
Now..... I've been back for 2 weeks and 2 days and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed in so many ways. I had a job interview which went great and will be working very soon which makes me happy since I love to work and be self sufficient. Then my husband says to me just a couple of days ago that I have an appointment to get my national health insurance number, and that we'll add me on his account as a joint account. Now that we are married, his ex has accepted the fact that their boys need to see their dad but see me as well which I've certainly got the chance to spend tine with them and fingers crossed will have the weekend with them. Its all things that I know are suppose to happen which I'm happy about, but..... I'm feeling... Almost lost. I'm trying to adapt being here, the tv shows, the stores, the language as I've seen I'm not the only one who is having difficulty in that department, trying to be a good wife, step mom etc.. I'm just trying to adapt. Yes I was here for 5 months but knowing I would have to leave... I guess I didn't take as a life change at that point. Now that I'm here, and here to stay... I'm struggling already. I talked to my husband about which he days he understands but then almost gets frustrated with me that I'm not... Conforming? Adjusting well? I feel that once I start working then maybe that will help, and going out more?? I'm trying to learn since there's so many differences to here and the states... I just don't know what to do. How to get myself over this word feeling. My husband had told me he can relate as he moved from the south of the UK to the North for his ex wife, and what helped him was when they had their first son. But I do not want to have a baby to fix my issues, although he believes having a baby would help me and its something he wants, I just can't think about that now. I could before... Its also difficult because my husband says... Its no different then the states. We speak English, a store is a store, a bank is a bank, you can go out just as you did in the states etc... I've tried telling him no its NOT the same. Yes I know I'm feeling home sick.. But its more then that. Will this pass? Someone please help me!!

Dude, you've only been here two weeks. It will definitely pass. Once you have a job and friends and get more familiar with how things work here you will feel less disconnected. But your husband needs to give you time. Moving from one end of England to another is not the same thing at all.

It actually sounds like you've got yourself pretty well sorted and have accomplished a lot in a short amount of time. Many people go months without any hope of a job; if you have already had a positive interview, then that's amazing!

Take things in small steps, allow yourself adqeuate time for adjustment, and above all don't get angry at the UK for not being the US. Focus on the good things about being here while you are in the process of adjusting to the less good things.

You'll be fine, don't worry

Seconded about the job; it's the experience of many US expats that getting employment can be a hurdle that takes several months to overcome!  Congrats for having an interview already!

Two weeks is hardly anything.  You still need to be kind to yourself and give yourself much more time to adjust.  Even visiting the UK before - as you've said, it's different from actually living here.  My UK partner and I had a long distance relationship for 6 years before I actually moved over.  I thought that after visiting back and forth for so long, I wouldn't really need to adjust.  I was very mistaken.  I've been here now for about 4 years now, and even now still have occasional odd twinges of feeling not entirely adjusted. 

It's hard moving over; moving from one country to another is NOTHING like moving from one part of the country to another.  When I moved over, I felt very very small and helpless.  It felt like I had to learn to be an adult from the beginning again, which was frustrating because I was very independent and self sufficient back in the US.  It took a while to get a bank account sorted.  It took a while to get my NI number.  It took a while to figure out the road signs (and I still haven't managed to get my license).  It took a while to figure out how everything works... don't get me started on my grocery shopping experience when I moved over.  I'm pretty sure I came close to a breakdown over aubergine because I was looking for eggplant and no one knew what I was talking about.

Be kind to yourself; two weeks is nothing in grand scheme of things.    Take it one day at a time, and before you know it, things will be much less alien and much more familiar.  Employment was actually very beneficial for me; got me out of the house and back into a schedule.  Plus, there are the benefits of the social interaction, and my first UK friends were people I met at work.  If the job is taking a while (my background check took FOREVER), see if you can volunteer somewhere for something to do.  Or go on walks around your new home; it will help you get your bearings so you get more familiar with the area, and it's the cheapest way to keep fit and be active.   

And in the meantime, there's always the forum to have a whinge about trying to find eggplant...    Keep at it, you'll get there, don't worry. 

First of all, well done you, for getting a job so quickly!
You've only been here 5 minutes, so give yourself a break.  It's completely ridiculous to be expecting instant adjustment in 2 weeks.  Once you start working and getting to know people at work, things will start falling into place.

Above all... I hope you do not get pregnant to try to 'fix' the situation.  I hope you are smart enough to see that will not make things better!

 

Aww, you've just had a huge shift upsidedown!!!! New country, new language, stepmum,finding your way around, finding ingredients, trying to understand what things are,  etc.  Visiting is never like moving,regardless of it being a 2 week visit or a 5 month visit, because you always have an "out".  Now you don't!  (Well you really do, anything is possible, but your mind doesn't see it like that for now)

Like others have said, two weeks is hardly anything.  Even months in, you can be bubbling along fine and things will completely wreck your adjustment! 

Ahh, heck, I've been here almost seven years, I'm British and everything now, but yet some things throw me off!  I had to deposit 2 cheques into the bank last week and I was actually really confusfed on how to do it in the UK (i.e. not having to sign the cheques or fill out a paperslip with the amounts).  I just laughed it along and chalked it up to the fact that I normally just deal with moving money about electronically, rather than it being different than what I did in the US.

I think moving countries means that sometimes you can't be afraid to 'make a fool of yourself' sometimes. It is true what your hubby says, a store is a store, a bank is a bank. But that doesn't mean you should have to feel comfortable with the dealings of it all yet.  Take your time!!!  We all adjust differently and at at different speeds. Just because someone on here can adjust within 2 weeks, doesn't mean you can or should.   You're already on your way though, getting interviews and job prospects. That's great!!!

 I'm sure two weeks in, I was in a bit of a daze. I had moved to the north of Scotland from Miami in January. It was dark a 3 in the afternoon and it was freezing and snowy and icy.I didn't even have proper winter clothes! I think I had just found a place to live. Had no idea how to get around, was still picking through the coins wondering how to tell the difference between a 5p and a 20p piece,  couldn't understand a word being said to me. I had no one to even explain anything to me. Thank goodness for this forum! Luckily, I perservered. It will get better!! 

I don't even know what to say, thank you guys so much for being understanding. Which Albatross I couldn't agree more about the baby thing. My husband said for him when he moved from the south to the north, that it wasn't until he had a baby that it felt like home to him but for me.. I'm 26, and having to redo things differently.. exactly how Aquila said it,.I feel like I'm starting all over again so the thought of having a baby won't do the same for me as it did for him. I will say, being able to get understanding has already made me feel better, that you guys for understanding...

Hey there,

I've been living here in the UK for about 8 months, I've only been married for 3 of them. It definitely takes time to get used to everything! I've definitely had that lost feeling you are talking about and I wallowed in it for a little bit. I watched too much bad TV (lots of Gilmore Girls, How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory), ate crap, and spent a lot of time on the internet.  

Things that have helped me be happier and more comfortable with living here are:
- find "your" grocery store. I hope you are in an area where you have choice! I've discovered Tesco is the store for me. They're a lot more like the grocery stores I'm used to in the US.
- cook foods you love. Pick up some US measuring cups and teaspoons. I don't have scales and all of the recipes I'm used to use US measures. Hell, the UK pint is different to the US pint! I'm still looking for a good Macaroni and Cheese recipe.
- make time in your day/week to talk with your friends and family back in the states. Sometimes that may mean staying up ridiculously late or having friends/family willing to wake up a early. It's definitely worth it though.
- continue the hobbies you love doing. For me that was finding books for my Kindle, my mom bringing me my jewelry making supplies and blogging.

As to the TV, there are a quite a few US shows that are on free tv. I've been able to keep up with several of my favorites from back home. I also watch Netflix a lot. British TV has quite a few shows I enjoy like Dinner Date, Come Dine with Me, Time Team, Snog Marry Avoid, and of course Doctor Who. *grins*

The UK is VERY different from the US. Yes, there is the "common" language of English, but honestly Americans use English very differently then the English. I know I still get strange looks from people when I use my normal US phrases.

Congratulations on the interview! I've been looking and applying for jobs since the end of August and I only had my first in person interview Tuesday. As to your National Insurance number appointment, bring your husband's national insurance number, they will ask you for it but won't tell you you need it.  They told me it would take 4-6 weeks for you to get your NINo, as they call it. I got mine just a few days past a month.

It will get better!

I'm sure two weeks in, I was in a bit of a daze. I had moved to the north of Scotland from Miami in January. It was dark a 3 in the afternoon and it was freezing and snowy and icy.I didn't even have proper winter clothes! I think I had just found a place to live. Had no idea how to get around, was still picking through the coins wondering how to tell the difference between a 5p and a 20p piece,  couldn't understand a word being said to me. I had no one to even explain anything to me. Thank goodness for this forum! Luckily, I perservered. It will get better!! 

Haha. I still have to pay way more attention to what coin is what and I say that something is only a buck or a dollar when I mean a quid/pound. It bothers me that there is no 25p coin only a 20p... especially because there is a 50p coin. The coin size and shapes have no rhyme or reason for me. Moving countries means relearning a lot of things you feel like you already know. I find it frustrating because they're just familiar enough to make things difficult.

For the first few weeks after I moved here, I paid for everything with cash since I was still trying to sort out a bank account.  And I was so not used to the coins.  My husband and I laugh about it now... but at the time, I paid for everything the exact same way because I was scared that the other people behind me in the queue would get mad at me for taking so long to sort out the correct coins.

7.99?  Here, have a 20.

2.25?  Here, have a 20.

5.50?  Here, have a 20.

0.99?  Here, have a 20.  (I swear this actually happened) 

In one way, your husband is right.. (but NOT about the baby thing!!!)...a bank is a bank is a bank, and a supermarket is a supermarket.  If you spend a lot of time on this forum reading back through old posts, you will read stories about people who have had 'meltdown' in supermarkets because they couldn't find what they wanted or whatever.  That never happened to me, and in my mind, it's totally preventable if you do a bit of reading/research and know that some things have different names here than they do in the US.  Or that some items are kept in a different area of the supermarket than where you think they should be.  You can ask someone in the shop if you need to... they might not know what an 'eggplant' is, but if you describe it as a shiny dark purple vegetable, you just might get somewhere! (not the best example, as if you saw a shiny dark purple vegetable you would instantly know it was the 'eggplant' you're looking for, even though it was labelled aubergine! )

Maybe now, while you are not working, you should pop down to your nearest supermarket and just browse when it's not busy and you're not in a hurry.  That way you can get a feel for where everything is, and what things are called.

As for banks, if you bear in mind that almost no-one uses cheques here, and a 'checking' account is called a current account, you'll be one step closer.  Everything else is basically the same in banks, as far as I recall.

Keep reading this forum though... there's a lot of wisdom and experience here and you will learn stuff!

The currency!! Lol i have had my struggles with it. I've told my husband to help nee practice which he does but then will say.. It's no different really from the dollar, just a few extra coins... REALLY!!  He irks me when he says that because it is different. I feel better that I'm not the only one who struggles lol. And oh boy... The grocery stores. I do like tescos, and asda but I am learning that when it comes to certain comfort foods that I need to find something hopefully similar..  I asked a tesco worker once where to find cream of wheat or grits and there was the awkward minute silence lol.

 I asked a tesco worker once where to find cream of wheat or grits and there was the awkward minute silence lol.

You'll find both of those in Tesco in the "American Foods" section (provided it's a big enough Tesco)  But for very extortionate prices!

..  I asked a tesco worker once where to find cream of wheat or grits and there was the awkward minute silence lol.

Yeah... a quiet, unhurried 'research' trip around the supermarket will also help to reveal that some things you might want are just not available here.

Yeah... a quiet, unhurried 'research' trip around the supermarket will also help to reveal that some things you might want are just not available here.

Definitely. Plus you may find things you want to try!

 I love wandering around markets/supermarkets, wherever I am!

There are a TON of websites that you can order American foods from, I'm not sure you'd want to do it all the time as they are expensive.

http://www.americansoda.co.uk/food/

http://www.usafoodstore.co.uk/

Those are just two. I haven't ordered anything yet, I haven't craved anything too badly yet. Well, nothing I can get in a box or can. I'd love Sesame Chicken from my favorite Chinese restaurant. Has anyone else noticed the Chinese food flavor profile is different here?

Wandering through the store is my favorite thing. My husband wants me to be happy and he knew having foods that I love would be a key part of that so we buy some of the most random things for me to try.

And bacon, if it's something you love and if you find UK bacon not quite to be your thing... look for streaky bacon. It comes is smoked or not and it's really close to what we eat back in the States.