Perspective needed for an admitted worry wart - how much risk is too much?

I'm not sure where this post should go, or if it will even make much sense.  For those who haven't seen my other posts, I'm here in the UK on a fiance visa and will be married to my wonderful UKC on March 6.  It's all been terribly stressful - as you all know who are going through similar immigration hoops - and very exciting too.  It's hard to explain to anyone not familiar with the situation that getting married isn't just a private choice when immigration issues are involved.  I love my fiance, but at my age (closing in rapidly on 59) I would never choose to remarry this quickly (or perhaps at all) if not for the visa requirements - not terribly romantic, but that's the facts in this situation.  The alternative, for me, is to choose not to marry and give up on this relationship entirely, which is not acceptable. With limited options, this is the path we've chosen so that we can have a life together.

From the moment we started on this path, one unexpected, and often upsetting, challenge after another has arisen, from  small ones, like how to find the products I like (or replacements for them), to large such as figuring out the tax filing requirements, learning to drive on the other side of the road and, of course, the enormous cost and complexity of the visa applications themselves.  Learning about these as I go along has been like the proverbial straws on a camel's back - some days it's all part of the experience and other days I feel rather overwhelmed.  For the most part my attitude has been, I'll deal with it when I have to and do my best not to worry about things unnecessarily.  But this recent discovery has me pretty nervous, wondering if I'm taking too big a risk with my financial future in regards to health care.

By remarrying at this point I do give up a few financial benefits, but none of them are very significant really.  Most of them, like social security benefits from my ex-husband (married over 35 years), would be reinstated should anything happen to make me single again.  However, I recently discovered that isn't the case with medical insurance coverage.  I have life coverage through my ex-husband, and I knew I wouldn't have it when I was remarried but I didn't know it would never come back again should I be re-single.  This has me quite terrified actually since not having medical coverage in the US is such a financial risk, and one I've never had to worry about.  This particular benefit was always part of my retirement planning, and a very significant one.  To discover I'm giving it up because I've fallen in love with someone from another country... well this latest straw is a doozy and I'm having great difficulty accepting and getting past it. 

I suppose the scenario that worries me most is being a widow and not able to return to the US because I can't afford it.  Of course as long as I'm in the UK I can use the NHS, and once I'm 65, in six years, I'll qualify for medicare.  At this point I just can't see staying here if my soon to be husband isn't here as well, since my adult children and the rest of my loved ones are all in California.  Any comments - including the "slap me upside the head wake up and smell the coffee" type - are welcome (although please be gentle with me, we worry warts are rather sensitive you know ). I need perspective, and who else would understand the conundrum of limited choices involved in marrying a British citizen?   

I wouldn't worry too terribly much about the healthcare thing. Provided you're in the UK, obviously you'll be perfectly fine. If, heaven forbid, you have to return to the U.S., the new insurance exchanges and extra subsidies should help you afford to bridge any gap before you would qualify for Medicare anyway. Just try to stay positive. I would go in worrying about all the what-ifs. I mean you're about to embark on a new relationship that you're obviously serious enough about to get married (albeit more quickly than you anticipated) so all this is likely to be worry over nothing. And after 6 years, like you say, you'll qualify for Medicare anyway. That's not far away at all.

I agree with alisonr, regarding not worrying too much about the healthcare situation . At the moment, it's just a 'what if' scenario that may never even happen. I would just concentrate on your wedding and your new life in the UK. You've got so much going on in your life at the moment, that you might as well concentrate on the here and now. Enjoy the UK now and you can worry about the future stuff if and when it actually looks like it might be a realistic possibility.

You never know what the next few years may bring - you've only just arrived here and are still going through the culture shock and/or adjustment period, plus you haven't even started your married life with your fiance yet. You may find you end up falling in love with the UK and decide you never want to return to the US anyway, in which case, healthcare will be an irrelevant concern .

Thanks alisonr and ksand.  Exactly what I needed to hear.  I'm pretty sure my mind has chosen this issue to be the focus for all the assorted adjustments, fears and challenges I'm facing, but a small part of me wanted/needed to hear that from someone else. 

I couldn't quite let go of the feeling that someone would say, "Are you nuts?!?  How could you be so irresponsible?"  It doesn't help that my daughter expressed concern that she would have to bear the burden of my impoverished elder years thanks to my jetting off for a new life...  Yes, it was an awful thing for her to say (I was only 57 at the time for goodness sake!), but it was honest and I had just shocked her with the news that I was taking a totally unexpected turn in my life.  I may have a wee bit of guilt about my choice too. 

Don't feel guilty. You need to do what's best for you. Glad my words helped a bit. I think we've all done the same thing before. Taking our frustrations from tiny daily adjustments like not being able to buy Dukes mayonnaise or Peter Pan peanut butter and focusing that energy on something else that seems big but isn't likely to manifest itself as a real problem. Just keep taking it day by day and enjoy yourself. Even after having spent a fair amount of time in the UK in the last few year between visits I'm still adjusting from my move in August. Things will settle in soon.

I can appreciate your anxiety, Becca.  Especially as one gets older -- you never know what might happen.
After 20 odd years on ILR here I was back in the US with aging parents for too too many years.  I struggled to get a job back with a previous employer who had excellent benefits and hung on until I had over 10 years of service total so I would qualify for a teeny pension plus their retiree benefits.  By that time I qualified for Medicare as well (which is of no use overseas).  I still have to pay premiums on medical and dental policies which takes a big chunk out of the pension.  I could pick up the medical again should I move back but not the dental.  I was all for dropping them both to save the money but DH convinced me to keep them on -- "in case".  There is the advantage that I can get check-ups or emergency care whenever I'm over there on visits (but bear in mind there are always co-pays and all that never-ending paperwork!)
Will you have Social Security in your own right?  I'm sure you'd be able to get some kind of health coverage should you repatriate but I haven't really had a chance to figure out how Obamacare is working.  But the way I look at it, by the time the "in case" event happens, I'll be too old to want to shift my carcass back over to the US again anyway!!     So, I'd say just concentrate on your upcoming events and relax.

For me the big question is whether you are prepared to spend the rest of your life 5000 miles from your children and the rest of your family.  I moved from the UK to the US nearly 20 years ago for a two year job contract, met my wife in the US, married, had kids became a dual citizen and stayed here for one reason or another connected to my wife and child even though deep down I would have preferred living in the UK (on balance- I'm not suggesting the US is a bad place and there is much good here, though I absolutely detest the US healthcare system).

Now my father in the UK is terminally ill but I have a US job, kids in school and my wife would prefer not to move.   The situation is terribly stressful, and in retrospect I think I'd advise my younger self not to have married and stayed in the US.   Marriage and kids are a leap of faith, but when you add in multiple countries it ups the stakes considerably.

It's not an easy situation and I wish you all the best in your decision.

Thank you again, alisonr.   The guilt thing can be downright debilitating and sometimes (often?) I fail to recognize the role guilt is playing in my thoughts.  Sneaky thing, guilt. 

Thanks BostonDiner, it helps to have other people here that are also dealing with and understand retirement concerns.  I've never been this age before and the advice on how to manage your finances in retirement is mind boggling, and I was a CPA in 3 different public accounting firms!  One would think I would understand financial issues and advice, but I'm as confused as the next person.  Changing my country of residence at this stage of life is both exciting and terrifying.  I've never done anything remotely like this before, I often wonder who this person is who's taken over my body! 

Oh, and to answer your question, I do have social security on my own right.  It's just a bit higher from my ex because I taught for several years.

For me the big question is whether you are prepared to spend the rest of your life 5000 miles from your children and the rest of your family.

Good question, and right now my honest answer is, no.  As I said before, I can't picture staying here in the UK without my future husband, while my adult children (and possibly grandchildren) live in the US.  Who knows how I'll feel in a year, 5 years, or more down the line?  With some sadness, I realize that I'm leaving a part of my heart behind no matter where I live now, and in some ways I wish I'd never started down this path - it would have been so much easier if I hadn't.  I also realize I truly don't want to turn back.

I'm very sorry about your father's illness.  I can only imagine how stressful that is for you and I wish you and yours the very best.  Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience.

Now my father in the UK is terminally ill but I have a US job, kids in school and my wife would prefer not to move.   The situation is terribly stressful, and in retrospect I think I'd advise my younger self not to have married and stayed in the US.   Marriage and kids are a leap of faith, but when you add in multiple countries it ups the stakes considerably.

Your situation is the reverse of what mine was, sdt.  I know what you mean about retrospective advice to self.  What I never should have done was let my guilt about the aging parents influence my own life -- and that of my son.  My mother always said not to feel I ever had to go back for their sakes but what do you do when one has Parkinson's and the other has dementia and no other offspring?  My son has now lived more years in the US than he did in the UK and is torn between the two.  So I've put him in exactly the same position I was in.  It's tough and something you never really think about in the excitement of love and new beginnings.

Thanks Becca, Boston.

It is difficult, for sure when you have family on either side of the Atlantic.  Taxes can be a royal pain, as well.  On the other hand living in two countries adds a depth to the experience of life that would otherwise be missing.  Your son has experienced two quite different cultures and can draw from both, which I think has a lot of value.

Valuing experiences over material possessions is also pulling me back to the UK (along with an ailing father).   After 20 years in the US I can safely state that my material standard of living here in the US far outstrips what I had in the UK (or at least it could if I were interested in buying stuff), but I'm left cold by it, because I feel that US life can too easily become a treadmill of excessive work, little or no vacation and endless paperwork/bureaucracy (especially if someone in the family gets sick).  Perhaps I have rose tinted memories of the UK, and I was single with no kids when I was there, but I don't remember feeling so constantly burned out as I am in the US.

Re the burnout, I agree. We have way less 'stuff' than my American family, and probably look pretty poor in comparison (relatively), but even though we're super skint right now with one income, a one year old and a two year old, we don't really have any BIG worries. Healthcare is paid for and taken care of, parttime nursery starts in August for free for my bigger one, little things like the swimming pool is free for my little ones, then only £1 once they turn five... I dunno, it just seems like we don't have to worry about the 'big and terribles' as much as my fam in the us.

Re the burnout, I agree. We have way less 'stuff' than my American family, and probably look pretty poor in comparison (relatively), but even though we're super skint right now with one income, a one year old and a two year old, we don't really have any BIG worries. Healthcare is paid for and taken care of, parttime nursery starts in August for free for my bigger one, little things like the swimming pool is free for my little ones, then only £1 once they turn five... I dunno, it just seems like we don't have to worry about the 'big and terribles' as much as my fam in the us.

Wow, very well put!  I wonder how many people in the US have health that is negatively impacted by concerns over the cost of (and potential financial disasters from) healthcare?   

It is a heavy burden that worry.....