Author Topic: I'm sure this is normal but...  (Read 2081 times)

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Offline KFdancer

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #30 on: April 08, 2018, 01:07:52 PM »
It depends on the day you ask her how she feels.  Some days she's good and alright with our adventure and other days she doesn't want to leave at all.  Either way she's really not too excited.

I'm covering 100% of our visa and moving costs.  As well as over half of the wedding costs... My mom pointed out to me the other week how it's not quite fair that I'm losing my mind in anxiety and fear and he's pretty much just waiting for us to arrive.  I'm certainly not marrying him for his money but I'm struggling with thoughts that this really shouldn't all be on my shoulders...I'm a state worker so I'm nowhere near wealthy.  As a solo parent, I've had to live with my parents for the last 12.5 years since I can't afford my own apartment here.  And now I've had to take a rather sizable loan in order to cover all these added costs. 

But even if I would change my mind at this point, I couldn't.  My dress is purchased and family and friends from the US have already gotten their tickets and vacations planned.

It’s NEVER too late if you fear it’s wrong.  Dress, smesh!  And family and friends would still have a fun holiday.

For me, personally, it doesn’t sit right that this isn’t being approached as a partnership.  But only you know the ins and outs of it all.

Offline lyonaria

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #31 on: April 09, 2018, 07:48:06 AM »
Have you had some frank conversations about things?

My husband and I talked about a lot of topics most people would have covered much more slowly just because I knew we needed to have them before I moved.

One thing to remember is unless you have savings to help pay for your upkeep when you move, his income is going to be what you live on until you get your job, which can take awhile depending on what you're looking for. It took me at least 6 weeks to get a really crappy (minimum wage) terrible job after I moved here on a marriage Settlement visa. We lived for 9 months on his income alone.

I did eventually get a job I enjoyed, but it was over a year after I moved. I had to get that UK work experience under my belt before anyone would give me the time of day.
The usual. American girl meets British guy. They fall into like, then into love. Then there was the big decision. The American traveled across the pond to join the Brit. And life was never the same again.

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #32 on: April 10, 2018, 09:43:53 AM »
It depends on the day you ask her how she feels.  Some days she's good and alright with our adventure and other days she doesn't want to leave at all.  Either way she's really not too excited.

I'm covering 100% of our visa and moving costs.  As well as over half of the wedding costs... My mom pointed out to me the other week how it's not quite fair that I'm losing my mind in anxiety and fear and he's pretty much just waiting for us to arrive.  I'm certainly not marrying him for his money but I'm struggling with thoughts that this really shouldn't all be on my shoulders...I'm a state worker so I'm nowhere near wealthy.  As a solo parent, I've had to live with my parents for the last 12.5 years since I can't afford my own apartment here.  And now I've had to take a rather sizable loan in order to cover all these added costs. 

But even if I would change my mind at this point, I couldn't.  My dress is purchased and family and friends from the US have already gotten their tickets and vacations planned.

I agree with KF that it the approach doesn't feel right to me. It's NEVER too late. The people you care about would rather you call the wedding off than make a massive mistake that you saw coming.

Let me just tell you this: Friend A and Friend B were together for 12 years I believe (on and off in the beginning). They've been engaged for a good few years but finally set a date in the last year or two. Wedding all planned in Poland. My husband, being in the wedding, secured our tickets for a few hundred and accommodation for one night as we were to stay at a camp ground in cabins for the rest of the weekend. This was over Bank Holiday in August of this year where prices are obviously jacked up (and it's the one time of year it's actually nice in England for sure and I don;t feel I need to go abroad). Person A came over to tell us he thought he wanted to split with person B....but he felt really guilty and didn't want to hurt her..............but also he felt EXTRA guilty because flights and accommodations had been purchased. We re-assured him that people wouldn't mind  taking the hit if he knew this was the right choice for himself. A day or so later they announce they've split and nobody is angry, just concerned for them.

We are using the tickets as a nice long weekend adventure to Poland, where we probably otherwise wouldn't have gone and our friends will also be there to meet up and enjoy the experience with. Obviously we feel bad for the couple, but we are making the best of a bad situation. Sticking me with £55 for my share of a hen-do we aren't going to kind of made me a bit pissed off at friend A (not the bride) but that's because he has a lot of cheek  and has done some questionable things. The flights were no problem even with the extra stress of now finding accommodations for the whole trip during an expensive time of year.

I'm telling you this so you know you *ALWAYS* have an option if things don't feel right. My SIL thought about how she wasn't sure she wanted to marry her now-exhusband. Everybody told her it was just cold feet even though she didn't feel right about it so she just let it go. Less than a year later, they were separated. There's cold feet/nerves about moving country, but I'm worried about the way you say "well it's too late now anyways..." as if you had thought about it but dismissed it because you have a dress and things are planned. I don't like that he's footing you with the whole bill (my husband and I paid for my visa with our wedding finances because we considered it a joint issue) and it doesn't seem like you're stressing as a unit. All the stress shouldn't fall on your shoulder's.

What do your family think? Have they ever told you that they don't think this move is right?

Offline Jettagirl81

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #33 on: April 24, 2018, 01:36:29 PM »
I agree with KF that it the approach doesn't feel right to me. It's NEVER too late. The people you care about would rather you call the wedding off than make a massive mistake that you saw coming.

So I wanted to give you all an update on the whole situation.  Also thank you all so much for your help and advice!  It's truly meant the world.  The week after Easter was my most manic.  I had 4 random panic attacks during work.  Never had one of those before and thought I was dying.  Such fun.  I went to pay the first deposit for legal stuff (yes I know everyone suggested against that, but I'm actually glad I did at this point).  My payment was denied because it was a foreign transaction.  Then I realized that the fiancé visa doesn't include the NHS.  My daughter has epilepsy and HAS to remain on her medication.  So I thought "well he could just come here and we could do a quick J.P. service and still have the actual wedding in September." Because it would be easier to just apply for the spouse visa and get healthcare right away.  As soon as I mentioned this to him he got SO excited and I literally felt like I was going to vomit.  I said I needed to talk to my parents to see what they thought.  2 days later, he's already got the time booked off work and was ready to get his plane tickets.  I felt awful.  Not excited.  Brink of death awful.  I wasn't sleeping, I was stressed and moody, and wracked with worry and fears.  I did the math, all in total (visas, moving crate, plane tickets, and wedding) I would be spending $20,000.  That would be nearly ALL of my retirement monies.  And he was only contributing $2500.  Coupled with the fears about my daughters health, is it the best thing for her, and for me, and then the fact that I'm a very faith-filled person and he is very not (in recent days it's become more of a concern than not that we don't believe the same thing)... 

I spoke with a pastor friend and his wife.  They suggested I ask for a postponement and then judge the response.  They daughter had personal things going on in her life for a time and had broken up with her now husband when they were dating.  When she did, his response was "you need to find out what's best for you.  If us breaking up is what's best for you, then it's best for me too."  I wasn't expecting that exact result but something similar since I'm the love of his life.  We skyped on April 8th and I told him I needed to push things back a while.  I needed to make absolutely sure that I was making the right decision as a mother for my daughter.  There's just too much at stake for her.  I wasn't breaking up, just pressing pause on our plans.  The response I got was so beyond disappointing.  He turned it all on himself, saying he'd already spent £1000 on the hotel and this was supposed to be his year to be happy after being sad and alone for so long, and what would everyone think.  I said my parents have spent well over $2500 on my wedding dress and other clothes, I have 60 freaking whiskey glasses sitting in my dining room with our names on them, and if his friends can't understand that this is biggest decision I've ever had to make and I have to know it's right, then he needs new friends.  My family and friends have all purchased flights and stuff as well.

Because of how he's handled everything, I have broken up with him.  I've never been more disappointed in someone in my entire life.  Shockingly, I'm really doing ok.  I'm not panicky and weepy anymore.  I've spoken to everyone in my family and my friends who've gotten flights.  They are all happy that I've figured it all out before it's too late and no one is angry about the money spent.  We're going to be enjoying a "dysfunctional family vacation" in September.  The hotel can't refund the deposits but will be comping my room while we're there.  The cake maker has agreed to significantly downsize the cake to a 1 tier and my deposit covers the whole new cake now.  My daughter couldn't be happier that we're not moving.  I was able to get 2 tickets with Virgin Atlantic for my daughter and I on the same flight as parents and in the same row as them for only $1106!  I don't know how I managed that but everything is working out now.

If anyone on here is a Doctor Who fan, I do still have 60 whiskey glasses with a Tardis and love quote from the Doctor.  As soon as I get the names and wedding date removed, they'll be up for sale.  :) if anyone's interested, let me know!  They look like they'd be super cute juice glasses.

In all seriousness, thank you all so very much for your advice.  You have all been amazing.  If anyone is in Herefordshire in September, meet me for a drink!

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #34 on: April 24, 2018, 01:45:11 PM »
So I wanted to give you all an update on the whole situation.  Also thank you all so much for your help and advice!  It's truly meant the world.  The week after Easter was my most manic.  I had 4 random panic attacks during work.  Never had one of those before and thought I was dying.  Such fun.  I went to pay the first deposit for legal stuff (yes I know everyone suggested against that, but I'm actually glad I did at this point).  My payment was denied because it was a foreign transaction.  Then I realized that the fiancé visa doesn't include the NHS.  My daughter has epilepsy and HAS to remain on her medication.  So I thought "well he could just come here and we could do a quick J.P. service and still have the actual wedding in September." Because it would be easier to just apply for the spouse visa and get healthcare right away.  As soon as I mentioned this to him he got SO excited and I literally felt like I was going to vomit.  I said I needed to talk to my parents to see what they thought.  2 days later, he's already got the time booked off work and was ready to get his plane tickets.  I felt awful.  Not excited.  Brink of death awful.  I wasn't sleeping, I was stressed and moody, and wracked with worry and fears.  I did the math, all in total (visas, moving crate, plane tickets, and wedding) I would be spending $20,000.  That would be nearly ALL of my retirement monies.  And he was only contributing $2500.  Coupled with the fears about my daughters health, is it the best thing for her, and for me, and then the fact that I'm a very faith-filled person and he is very not (in recent days it's become more of a concern than not that we don't believe the same thing)... 

I spoke with a pastor friend and his wife.  They suggested I ask for a postponement and then judge the response.  They daughter had personal things going on in her life for a time and had broken up with her now husband when they were dating.  When she did, his response was "you need to find out what's best for you.  If us breaking up is what's best for you, then it's best for me too."  I wasn't expecting that exact result but something similar since I'm the love of his life.  We skyped on April 8th and I told him I needed to push things back a while.  I needed to make absolutely sure that I was making the right decision as a mother for my daughter.  There's just too much at stake for her.  I wasn't breaking up, just pressing pause on our plans.  The response I got was so beyond disappointing.  He turned it all on himself, saying he'd already spent £1000 on the hotel and this was supposed to be his year to be happy after being sad and alone for so long, and what would everyone think.  I said my parents have spent well over $2500 on my wedding dress and other clothes, I have 60 freaking whiskey glasses sitting in my dining room with our names on them, and if his friends can't understand that this is biggest decision I've ever had to make and I have to know it's right, then he needs new friends.  My family and friends have all purchased flights and stuff as well.

Because of how he's handled everything, I have broken up with him.  I've never been more disappointed in someone in my entire life.  Shockingly, I'm really doing ok.  I'm not panicky and weepy anymore.  I've spoken to everyone in my family and my friends who've gotten flights.  They are all happy that I've figured it all out before it's too late and no one is angry about the money spent.  We're going to be enjoying a "dysfunctional family vacation" in September.  The hotel can't refund the deposits but will be comping my room while we're there.  The cake maker has agreed to significantly downsize the cake to a 1 tier and my deposit covers the whole new cake now.  My daughter couldn't be happier that we're not moving.  I was able to get 2 tickets with Virgin Atlantic for my daughter and I on the same flight as parents and in the same row as them for only $1106!  I don't know how I managed that but everything is working out now.

If anyone on here is a Doctor Who fan, I do still have 60 whiskey glasses with a Tardis and love quote from the Doctor.  As soon as I get the names and wedding date removed, they'll be up for sale.  :) if anyone's interested, let me know!  They look like they'd be super cute juice glasses.

In all seriousness, thank you all so very much for your advice.  You have all been amazing.  If anyone is in Herefordshire in September, meet me for a drink!

While I am so incredibly sorry that you were so let down by this person you trusted in your life, I am SOOOOO incredibly relieved for you! Was veryyy concerned when you posted but nobody can tell you what's right for you. I will say that I think you're making the right choice now. $20k while he contributes a few grand is INSANE.

I hope you manage to make the best of your trip here!

Online jfkimberly

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #35 on: April 24, 2018, 02:10:00 PM »
Wow... your emotional state says it all.  To feel so good after making this decision, you definitely made the right one.  I'm happy for you and for your daughter that you figured out what you wanted sooner, rather than later.  Congratulations!  Life is hard, and you just had a success!
9/1/2013 - "fiancée" (marriage) visa issued
4/6/2013 - married (certificate issued same-day)
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8/1/2016 - FLR(M)#2 by post -- approved!
8/5/2018 - ILR in person -- approved!

Offline Jettagirl81

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #36 on: April 24, 2018, 02:14:02 PM »
While I am so incredibly sorry that you were so let down by this person you trusted in your life, I am SOOOOO incredibly relieved for you! Was veryyy concerned when you posted but nobody can tell you what's right for you. I will say that I think you're making the right choice now. $20k while he contributes a few grand is INSANE.

I hope you manage to make the best of your trip here!

We're going to have such a fun time on vacation!  Starting near Birmingham, then to Herefordshire, Wales and Margate in Kent!  My mom had pointed out about the money stuff several times and I reasoned it away.  But if he truly loved me and wanted me there, he'd be more involved in getting me there.  It's funny, I'm not at all sad about this...I'm angry that I almost took my child and entered into a doomed marriage that would have left me broke and stranded.

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #37 on: April 24, 2018, 02:16:29 PM »
We're going to have such a fun time on vacation!  Starting near Birmingham, then to Herefordshire, Wales and Margate in Kent!  My mom had pointed out about the money stuff several times and I reasoned it away.  But if he truly loved me and wanted me there, he'd be more involved in getting me there.  It's funny, I'm not at all sad about this...I'm angry that I almost took my child and entered into a doomed marriage that would have left me broke and stranded.

That's how you know you made the right choice! I am so pleased for you :)

Offline larrabee

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #38 on: April 24, 2018, 02:35:29 PM »
I think I was holding my breath reading that post! What a relief to hear it has all worked out for the best!  ;D Well done for having the courage to make the right decision!   ;D
March 28th 2013-Moved to UK, husband on spouse visa.Oct 20th 2015-Applied by mail for FLR(M).Feb 1st 2016 FLR(M).March 7th 2018 ILR. YAY! March 21st NCS&JCAP appointment.

Offline jimbocz

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #39 on: April 24, 2018, 05:31:38 PM »
We're going to have such a fun time on vacation!  Starting near Birmingham, then to Herefordshire, Wales and Margate in Kent!  My mom had pointed out about the money stuff several times and I reasoned it away.  But if he truly loved me and wanted me there, he'd be more involved in getting me there.  It's funny, I'm not at all sad about this...I'm angry that I almost took my child and entered into a doomed marriage that would have left me broke and stranded.

If it makes you feel any better, I've got a cousin that arranged a destination wedding that was called off after people had spent money.  I certainly don't think any less of him, things happen. 

One major red flag for me was the fact that you are more religious than him.  You may know this, but people are WAAAAY less religious here than in the states.  I don't think that would have been easy for you, and for your relationship if he couldn't sympathise with that. 

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #40 on: April 24, 2018, 05:36:30 PM »
One major red flag for me was the fact that you are more religious than him.  You may know this, but people are WAAAAY less religious here than in the states.  I don't think that would have been easy for you, and for your relationship if he couldn't sympathise with that.

What I've noticed isn't necessarily that people are way less religious here, but that they aren't really vocal about it. It seems more like people strongly identify themselves by their faith in the US but here in the UK, it's more of a secondary that people don't  really talk about if it's not necessary to. Definitely agree though that it may have caused some additional issues.

Offline KFdancer

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #41 on: April 24, 2018, 05:40:24 PM »
One major red flag for me was the fact that you are more religious than him.  You may know this, but people are WAAAAY less religious here than in the states.  I don't think that would have been easy for you, and for your relationship if he couldn't sympathise with that.

Religious differences are definitely a concern.

Offline Jettagirl81

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #42 on: April 24, 2018, 06:15:33 PM »
If it makes you feel any better, I've got a cousin that arranged a destination wedding that was called off after people had spent money.  I certainly don't think any less of him, things happen. 

One major red flag for me was the fact that you are more religious than him.  You may know this, but people are WAAAAY less religious here than in the states.  I don't think that would have been easy for you, and for your relationship if he couldn't sympathise with that.

Thank you!  I was definitely horrified at the idea of angering my family and friends.  In my case, my fiancé is agnostic and I'm Christian.  It hasn't been an issue up until now because I hadn't had to think about it.  When we were there in August last year, it was made fairly clear to me that he put out by the fact that the church I found was 20 minutes away and he'd have to be my chauffer.  Here in the states a 20 minute Sunday drive is nothing.  He also made it clear that his son would be dropped off at his nan's before we went every week.  So family Sundays wouldn't be happening.  So all the red flags I've had in the past 3 years and reasoned away cropped back up.  I certainly wouldn't and didn't blame my faith for our split, but it's definitely a concern.  Combined with my daughter and her needs, money, and his uncanny ability to ignore deep issues (stuff we should talk about, he ignores and hopes I won't bring them back up), the faith bit was the icing on the cake.

Offline Kay

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #43 on: April 25, 2018, 04:09:46 PM »
Thank you!  I was definitely horrified at the idea of angering my family and friends.  In my case, my fiancé is agnostic and I'm Christian.  It hasn't been an issue up until now because I hadn't had to think about it.  When we were there in August last year, it was made fairly clear to me that he put out by the fact that the church I found was 20 minutes away and he'd have to be my chauffer.  Here in the states a 20 minute Sunday drive is nothing.  He also made it clear that his son would be dropped off at his nan's before we went every week.  So family Sundays wouldn't be happening.  So all the red flags I've had in the past 3 years and reasoned away cropped back up.  I certainly wouldn't and didn't blame my faith for our split, but it's definitely a concern.  Combined with my daughter and her needs, money, and his uncanny ability to ignore deep issues (stuff we should talk about, he ignores and hopes I won't bring them back up), the faith bit was the icing on the cake.

Woooow, he complained about a 20 minute drive?  ::) I’m sorry to hear it’s over, but it sounds like you certainly made the right decision. It sounds like his effort in making your life together happen certainly did not match yours. I agree as well that religious ideas not matching up could cause problems later on - beyond him being bothered by a 20 minute journey to church.
American Citizen - British Husband 🇬🇧❤️🇺🇸
Met online - Oct 2015
Relationship - Nov 2016
Engaged - Jan 16th 2018
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Offline phatbeetle

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #44 on: April 25, 2018, 04:25:10 PM »
Sounds like things have turned out for the best,however hard they may be.  Onwards and upwards.   :)
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