Question I've had on my mind (and please be gentle)

I used to want children for sure - like 100%. Last two-ish years, I've actually started second guessing that. I feel like my reasons are pretty selfish, but one of them is that it's hard to imagine having children without my family close by. Has anybody else had worries about that? Was there any way you worked around that? When/if we have children it won't be for a few years still but it's definitely something I need to think of now. His mother won't be around much longer but I will have his brothers and sister and their families....but I feel guilty about feeling sad that my mother won't be over here to be on active nonni duty or that my sisters won't be there or their kids won't get to be around their cousins like i had thought would happen before marrying a guy an ocean away. My mom would obviously come to visit but it's unlikely my sisters could even afford to take their whole families over.

This might be the wrong place to post this (so apologies in advance) but I was just looking for advice I guess on if other people found that type of distance to be a struggle or potential concern before having a kid and how it all worked out.

You should read some of KFDancer's posts on kids. She's talked about your question a lot.

I love kids, but don't want them myself. I don't have the patience, I get stressed and don't have great coping mechanisms, and I MUCH prefer to give the kids back to their parents after we've hung out. My mom has come to terms with this. She has my brother's two boys back in Colorado.

Sometimes I think I might want a kid and then I remember how stressed I got simply watching my infant nephew and raising my dog from a puppy. And know my childless choice is the right thing for me.

She doesn't always have her own threads though so it may take some searching to find them. She was really active when she was home on maternity leave before her tiny one was born this week. You could look through her posts from her profile?

You should read some of KFDancer's posts on kids. She's talked about your question a lot.

I love kids, but don't want them myself. I don't have the patience, I get stressed and don't have great coping mechanisms, and I MUCH prefer to give the kids back to their parents after we've hung out. My mom has come to terms with this. She has my brother's two boys back in Colorado.

Sometimes I think I might want a kid and then I remember how stressed I got simply watching my infant nephew and raising my dog from a puppy. And know my childless choice is the right thing for me.

I like kids but sometimes think I'm too selfish (it's mostly the "giving birth" part that really puts me off, but the "not having family around for support" is a big deal as well). Not been in this sub before as I haven't really had a reason before but more people are having kids as of late so I've been considering it more and more. Will take a look through to read KF's posts Just saw the one about "he's here" and he is definitely adorable.

tl;dr - you don't have to legitimize any decision you make or don't make regarding having kids (or anything else, for that matter).

My opinion is that whatever decision you make will be right for you.

It might be that the time isn't right, the location isn't right (understandable with the supportive family an ocean away) or the situation isn't right - whatever your reasons or feelings toward having kids, they're valid. Don't feel like you need a reason to not want kids at all or not want kids right now. Also bear in mind that whatever reasons you might have for wanting or not wanting kids right now might change in the future. You're always allowed to change your mind on this since it's a big life decision. :-) Don't feel like anyone is going to hold you to your decision now or like you have to explain any change of heart.

Also (this comes as a non-parent who's taken care of loads of kids in babysitting, childcare, preschool and niece/nephew situations), bear in mind that other people's kids are not your own kid. Yes, parenting comes with obvious challenges, late nights and early morning, but it can be easier to take care of your own kid when you've raised them the way you want. Playing with kids on DH's side v my side are like night and day. My brother and his wife in the US raised their kid in a style I'm familiar with, so I understand how he's used to interacting and being disciplined. DH's sister and her husband raise their kids very differently and sometimes I just don't know what the kid expects or how much he's allowed to get away with. Playing with my brother's kid might make me want kids; playing with DH's sister's kids might make me reconsider but knowing that we can raise a kid however we want and create a lifestyle that we like which includes a wee one makes it a bit more tempting, but it's not the right time for us now. I guess the want is there, but the pieces aren't in the right place, so we're not going to rush it.

Playing with my brother's kid might make me want kids; playing with DH's sister's kids might make me reconsider but knowing that we can raise a kid however we want and create a lifestyle that we like which includes a wee one makes it a bit more tempting, but it's not the right time for us now. I guess the want is there, but the pieces aren't in the right place, so we're not going to rush it.

It's funny you say this because I totally can agree that playing with certain children can really make you want them but then playing with other kids totally puts you off! It's even night and day between how one of my sisters raises her kids and how my other sister raises hers (that I've noticed when visiting) - but that's because one of my sister's kids were fostered first then adopted so they have different needs than my other sister's kids. Also, the closeness with my other sister and her kids (because we were SO close when I was back in the US and always around each other and I was helping watch her kids when necessary) makes a difference as well. I do definitely go back and forth between wanting kids and not wanting kids and when I think I don't, it's always usually because I've either just been around some horrible child that's made me realise I don't have the patience or because I've thought about my own support system being so far away oooorrrr because I think I'm terrified of the whole process of giving birth and would be totally cool with adopting a child instead (but then I feel incredibly selfish for my reasoning behind wanting to adopt and it makes me feel crappy!)

I like kids but sometimes think I'm too selfish (it's mostly the "giving birth" part that really puts me off, but the "not having family around for support" is a big deal as well). Not been in this sub before as I haven't really had a reason before but more people are having kids as of late so I've been considering it more and more. Will take a look through to read KF's posts Just saw the one about "he's here" and he is definitely adorable.

Sometimes I feel a little bit left out, with all the people I know having kids. But to be frank. I have never in any of my hopes and dreams saw myself with children. I know I would be 'a good mom' and I know my husband would be a good dad, but why? Some friends back in the states try and tell me I would/should change my mind, my mom would tell me I should keep an open mind, but I simply don't want kids. There are enough other human beings in this world, why do I NEED to have a kid?

I know I get stressed and I know I would scream and yell, and I like my current life. I've never wanted to be pregnant. I like holding babies and spending time with kids, but I only ever wanted to be a parent when my oldest nephew was having trouble.

I was his favourite person and I wanted him to feel like he was as important as he is. His little brother gets different treatment (better) than he does by his parents. And I wanted to make things better for him.


How you create your family is no one's business but your own. If you don't want to be pregnant, you don't have to be. There are so many children who would love to be yours And adoption would make their lives so much better.

It's funny you say this because I totally can agree that playing with certain children can really make you want them but then playing with other kids totally puts you off! It's even night and day between how one of my sisters raises her kids and how my other sister raises hers (that I've noticed when visiting) - but that's because one of my sister's kids were fostered first then adopted so they have different needs than my other sister's kids. Also, the closeness with my other sister and her kids (because we were SO close when I was back in the US and always around each other and I was helping watch her kids when necessary) makes a difference as well. I do definitely go back and forth between wanting kids and not wanting kids and when I think I don't, it's always usually because I've either just been around some horrible child that's made me realise I don't have the patience or because I've thought about my own support system being so far away oooorrrr because I think I'm terrified of the whole process of giving birth and would be totally cool with adopting a child instead (but then I feel incredibly selfish for my reasoning behind wanting to adopt and it makes me feel crappy!)

I think it's a bit of a case of if you're not 100% sure, don't jump the gun... but if you do decide (even if you're not 100%), it will be the right decision and you won't be able to imagine your life differently.

How you create your family is no one's business but your own. If you don't want to be pregnant, you don't have to be. There are so many children who would love to be yours And adoption would make their lives so much better.

I totally agree - if you really don't want to be pregnant, you can do surrogacy or adoption.

(I'm not trying to sway you with this or say not wanting to be pregnant isn't a valid concert, but....) Keep in mind that pregnancy is 9 months of your life. A kid is forever. Pregnancy is just a blip on the radar in terms of having a kid. But if you really don't want to be pregnant, that's your decision and totally valid.

As a funny aside, I've started pointing out baby stuff to DH (as a joke), saying how much stuff I could buy if we had a kid. Seriously, kids have the best toys! I'd love to have a room full of wooden toys and having a kid is one way to get that.

Oh man, I feel the same way.  I don't think it's selfish at all. I always wanted kids but being so far away has made me have doubts. I'm super close to my family (see them 2-3 times a year) and it breaks my heart thinking that they won't be able to be around as much. They're a huge support. Meanwhile, my husband isn't as close to his family as I am to mine, and we would have little to no support if we were to have kids over here. He's more optimistic about it, but I'm the realist and can see exactly how it would be. It makes me think that a childfree life may be the way to go here, whereas if we were back in the US I'd be all for having kids... it's something I'm really torn on.

My husband and I have talked about it a bit, nothing too in depth or serious. We're in no position to potentially have kids right now. If anything, we'd probably wait 2-3 years. While he'd prefer having kids, it's not necessarily a deal breaker for him... he considers the pros and cons of both.
There's a possibility of moving to the US one day, but we'll be here in the UK for a while as he's in the army. He doesn't want to be in the army forever, though.

I'm turning 30 this year and realize that my bio clock is starting to tick. In addition, I have PCOS (luckily it was caught early when I was 18, was put on medication and I've had no issues since) and it may take a while to have a baby.

My oldest sister likes kids, but never wanted any of her own (while her husband is definitely NOT a kid person!). She has pets instead! My middle sister has 2 boys and a girl, who are the best kids ever.

There are enough other human beings in this world, why do I NEED to have a kid?

I have definitely felt this way before. It kind of comes and goes. My mind does change every so often but I have definitely had this thought process first.

How you create your family is no one's business but your own. If you don't want to be pregnant, you don't have to be. There are so many children who would love to be yours And adoption would make their lives so much better.

Yeah I think it's just that I feel like is it okay to adopt if it's a selfish reason for doing so? I would love whatever child I adopted, but is it selfish and horrible if you adopt knowing you can have children naturally but don't want to? I mean there are tons of people who are unable to have children that it feels a bit crappy to not take advantage of my ability to be able to do so.

I think it's a bit of a case of if you're not 100% sure, don't jump the gun... but if you do decide (even if you're not 100%), it will be the right decision and you won't be able to imagine your life differently.

I totally agree - if you really don't want to be pregnant, you can do surrogacy or adoption.

(I'm not trying to sway you with this or say not wanting to be pregnant isn't a valid concert, but....) Keep in mind that pregnancy is 9 months of your life. A kid is forever. Pregnancy is just a blip on the radar in terms of having a kid. But if you really don't want to be pregnant, that's your decision and totally valid.

As a funny aside, I've started pointing out baby stuff to DH (as a joke), saying how much stuff I could buy if we had a kid. Seriously, kids have the best toys! I'd love to have a room full of wooden toys and having a kid is one way to get that.

Really appreciate your kind words

Haha I see all these adorable "alternative" baby clothes - like clothes that have skulls but also tu-tus on them - and I am constantly pointing out to my husband how somebody that can appreciate the clothes needs to have a baby soon so I can buy up all the adorable stuff! Same when I see adorable toys or I want justification to be able to play a certain game/etc. hahah

Oh man, I feel the same way.  I don't think it's selfish at all. I always wanted kids but being so far away has made me have doubts. I'm super close to my family (see them 2-3 times a year) and it breaks my heart thinking that they won't be able to be around as much. They're a huge support. Meanwhile, my husband isn't as close to his family as I am to mine, and we would have little to no support if we were to have kids over here. He's more optimistic about it, but I'm the realist and can see exactly how it would be. It makes me think that a childfree life may be the way to go here, whereas if we were back in the US I'd be all for having kids... it's something I'm really torn on.

Yeah I come from an Italian-American family where every Sunday was family dinner and me and one of my sister's (who's 10 years older than me - I'm the baby of the family - but we're surprisingly similar) would hang out together with her kids and husband quite frequently as they lived fairly close by. What I can say is, if you all have iphones or minimally whatsapp/facebook, you can stay in contact fairly frequently. My sister and my Mother text and call using whatsapp and facetime fairly frequently. Calls happen mostly on weekends because of time differences interfering with work, but we do text throughout weekdays so you can still be close with your family... It's not an instant fix, but it does help stay close. My husband wasn't particularly close with his family because he and his sister are also 10+ years younger than their two siblings so just at different points in their life, but once I moved over here he kind of realised how important family was and even more so when his mother's cancer came back terminal. We now see them for dinner most weekends and they are always around to help us with DIY and weekend dog walks. Once you move, you may find that your desire to have the family atmosphere might create closer bonds with your husbands family. Sorry as that ended up as a big paragraph of text so I'm hoping it makes some sense! Thinking I'm getting ill so my brain is cloudy! haha

While he'd prefer having kids, it's not necessarily a deal breaker for him... he considers the pros and cons of both.
There's a possibility of moving to the US one day, but we'll be here in the UK for a while as he's in the army. He doesn't want to be in the army forever, though.

Yeah it's the same with my husband. It's not necessarily a deal breaker but he does prefer to have children. There's a chance we may decide to move to the US as well but I don't want to even consider it until I'm able to get dual citizenship so we have easier movement in case it's the wrong choice being back in the US (as I think I prefer the UK apart from the lack of important people in my life living nearby).

I'm turning 30 this year and realize that my bio clock is starting to tick. In addition, I have PCOS (luckily it was caught early when I was 18, was put on medication and I've had no issues since) and it may take a while to have a baby.

I'm turning 28 this year so it might just be that my biological clock really hasn't started yet? Happy that they caught your PCOS earlier!

I have definitely felt this way before. It kind of comes and goes. My mind does change every so often but I have definitely had this thought process first.

Yeah I think it's just that I feel like is it okay to adopt if it's a selfish reason for doing so? I would love whatever child I adopted, but is it selfish and horrible if you adopt knowing you can have children naturally but don't want to? I mean there are tons of people who are unable to have children that it feels a bit crappy to not take advantage of my ability to be able to do so.

How is it selfish? You're adopting a child who needs a family and has no family through no fault of their own. Many people want children that are biologically theirs and will do anything they can to have them and only look at adoption as a last resort. Why isn't there something inherently wrong with that? There are thousands of children in foster care who want a family, why would it be wrong to give it to them?

If biology isn't important to you and your husband, make a family however you want and if other people have an issue with that, well. They have problems.

How is it selfish? You're adopting a child who needs a family and has no family through no fault of their own. Many people want children that are biologically theirs and will do anything they can to have them and only look at adoption as a last resort. Why isn't there something inherently wrong with that? There are thousands of children in foster care who want a family, why would it be wrong to give it to them?

If biology isn't important to you and your husband, make a family however you want and if other people have an issue with that, well. They have problems.

Thanks! I don't really know why but it just feels like I'm selfish and wrong for having the ability to have biological children but not wanting to (at the moment - anyways).

At the end of the day though, I think my main concern is whether or not it's weird to be put off about having kids because your family isn't close by.

Thanks! I don't really know why but it just feels like I'm selfish and wrong for having the ability to have biological children but not wanting to (at the moment - anyways).

At the end of the day though, I think my main concern is whether or not it's weird to be put off about having kids because your family isn't close by.

Lots of people wait to have kids until they're  in the right place, whether it has to do with finances, support networks, finishing education, etc.

I would say it's a valid reason, worrying about your support network. Any reason you have for not wanting to have kids yet is a valid reason.