Dinner Party Etiquette

My sister-in-law and I had a heated debate about this; and since I really do like her, I stopped talking about it.

I had a dinner party.  I had 14 guests.  Yes, it was Thanksgiving, however, set menu or not, I received many bottles of wine, which I placed unopen in the middle of the food table, along with one box of chocolates, and 2 M&S cakes.

Now, my understanding is, etiquette dictates that it is up to the hostess as to whether to share what she has been given, or not.  Either way is fine. 

Now I do think the chocolates could have perhaps been passed around, with the coffees and teas, but because I had put out pies for dessert, I simply didn't think to do it.

My sister in law took the liberty of opening them and telling me I should be passing them around; just as I should have put out the M&S cakes, and, opened up all the wine that was given.

She also said, 'maybe things are different in America, but here, even when you have a small dinner party, you always open up and share whatever you are given.'

Well, what about those folks who have their menu set, down to the type of wine served with each course?

She just answered, 'well, maybe in America, but here...'  and then I decided to drop the argument with her, and ask you folks.

I think you needed to open one of the bottles of wine...or anything with alcohol in it....and pour her a big tall glass of it so she could drink it and calm down.

I personally feel it's up to the host/hostess. If I was hosting a party and had the wine already bought for the dinner I wouldn't think to open a different one. But if someone (especially the person who brought it) asked that it be opened and everyone have some I wouldn't tell them no.

If someone brought something like after dinner mints, which are obviously meant to be eaten after dinner then yes I would open them.   Otherwise no, I wouldn't say you should open the wine/chocolates etc. Usually if someone brings wine, I ask them if they want  that one or mine.

"Dear Miss Manners,
      
      It is common practice for dinner guests nowadays to bring gifts of wine.  The wine may or may not be appropriate for the hosts's menu, and may or may not be any good.  Does courtesy require that the host offer to serve wine given in this fashion at the meal to which the donor has been invited?

GENTLE READER,
      Only presents of Chianti brought to the spaghetti dinner parties of impoverished graduate students need be consumed when and with whom they appear.  Otherwise, it is presumed that the host will provide all the goodies and the guest's reward is emptying the host's larder and cellar.  All one has to say, when accepting the wine, is "Why, how lovely.  We'll think of you when we enjoy this."  The fact that one plans to enjoy it on one's salad, with plenty of olive oil to counteract the taste, need not be mentioned."

(From "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior)  We are also regularly reminded by Miss Manners that nothing is ruder than calling another person rude.  I personally would consider that opening up a gift given to someone else for their own use and proceeding to hand it out to other people (while publicly chastising the gift's owner for not sharing) would trump that, but that's just me.

I'd agree with everything Saf and Miss Manners have to say. But, am wondering if there is a similar British equivalent to Miss Manners so Elizabeth can find out... some guide to Royal manners or something? There's got to be!

And I also think that even if your SIL is right and that is what is done here, she was way out of line doing it for you!

Kate Spade: Manners

Might answer the question!

And I also think that even if your SIL is right and that is what is done here, she was way out of line doing it for you!

Oh, and how about the part where she said aloud, "She can't have any of it anyway, she's on Weight Watchers!"

 

Oh, and how about the part where she said aloud, "She can't have any of it anyway, she's on Weight Watchers!"

 

Ooohhh them's fightin' words.

She also said, 'maybe things are different in America,

Even if they were it was you hosting the dinner party in presumbly your house, thefore is there any reason why things shouldn't be done your way.

Anyway, we had a few people round for an early thnaksgiving dinner and recived a bunch of flowers and 2 bottes of mead. The flowers were put in a vase(not much else you can do-pass them round? ) and the mead was left unopned.

The only time it should be "required" to open the bottle of wine and share is when it was someone's responsibility to bring wine for dinner (i.e.: great, we'll bring the wine).  I've given and received wine/drink in Scotland and it has remained closed...

I have a problem with anyone who makes a generalized statement about how things are done in a COUNTRY...there are so many ways of doing things depending on various areas of a country that you can't make a blanket statement like that...

also...what happens if you receive wine from every person in that group - are you expected to open 14 bottles of wine and thus either guarantee potential drunk driving or having them go bad eventually (well, it could happen, but probably not in my household)?  That makes no sense...I was actually told by a manners person NOT to bring wine to a dinner party as usually the wine has been already chosen and by bringing a bottle you may make the host feel like they HAVE to open it up, thus upsetting the dinner plans!

Elizabeth...you are the correct one here.

For thanksgiving we were broght some wine, champange and some chocolate.

the wine was drank. (everyone wanted white-i only drink red so thank goodness they brought white!) and i opened a lovely box of 3 type of ferro roche chocolates and shared after the pies with coffee and tea.

it was pretty funny because as i did this i said aloud 'look, i'm even beginning to entertain like a brit!' as everytime we're invited round for dinner, not only is dessert served, but always an extra sweet with coffee.

My sister-in-law and I had a heated debate about this; and since I really do like her, I stopped talking about it.


She just answered, 'well, maybe in America, but here...'  and then I decided to drop the argument with her, and ask you folks.

ok    I'll say it

                                    b*tch!

Sorry -- I know she's your SIL and you like her but still.....

I voted no. Wine/chocolate/flowers given to the hostess are a gift in appreciation of their hospitality. Since they are a gift the hostess can do whatever the heck she likes with them.

We are lucky to have very generous friends though.  When we have a party most bring more than one bottle. I do open up a lot of them - all we can drink usually. And at the end of the night we almost always end up with more wine than we started out with before the guests arrived.  I HAVE to open up their bottles -at least half of them - otherwise I'd have to open up my own wine shop!

Rosie

Thank you to all who participated!

In the future, my behavior as a hostes will remain... the same. 

UNLESS - my sister in law and her family are my guests.