An added complication of being in the UK I hadn't expected

My 80 year old mother had a stroke and car crash (or car crash and stroke) in the US. Of course my wife and I jumped on the next available flight back... and of course expense just can't be a consideration. However, now that my mother is thankfully doing a bit better and I'm planning the return and looking at the bills - to say that BA gouges for same day open tickets in high summer season would be an understatement! Two people squeezing on full jets same day in the summer - we're out 6K gbp for the round trip. The available seats were premium economy, so that's nicer. But still. As I said, expense isn't the question when family is concerned...but it is my health now that's feeling a bit affected!


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I'm glad she's doing better, dd852. The distance really sucks when something like that happens.

DH and I set aside money each month for situations like this. My US family is all healthy, but you never know when something could happen. Having the money already set aside makes it a bit easier to hop on a plane, even if tickets are ridiculously expensive.

I hope she makes a strong recovery! Be sure you take some time to recover, too. It's stressful for everyone involved when something like this happens.

Hugs!  Glad that your mom is doing better.  One thing that helps me is to remind myself that "it's just money."  A lot of money but your mom will ALWAYS remember that you dropped everything and came to her aid! 

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.  And I'm glad that she's doing better.

We've always set aside money for stuff like this.  As my parents get older I know that we've been lucky so far and dread the day we have to dip into that pot.

Pleased to hear that your mother is doing okay.

It is just one of those awful things that you have to be prepared for and if possible have a big chunk of money set aside for such situations. I always carried forward 5 days vacation to be held in reserve for such situations and was glad of them each time the need arose.

We have been through it a number of times, US to U.K. with parents being rushed to hospital seriously ill (happened twice), then when each of them died. My mother died in 1995 then our 3 remaining parents died October and December 2009 then May 2010 so in December 2009 I ended up borrowing 5 days vacation from my 2010 allowance.

These are honest worries of mine too.  I'm very glad to hear your mother is doing better!!

I'm also glad to hear your mother is okay! We're finding ourselves dealing with a version of this too, as my spouse's uncle just died unexpectedly. We've decided it's just too expensive for him to fly back to North America for the memorial service, unfortunately. We have family all over the US and Canada and already struggled to see them as much as they wanted us to when we lived in the states (we weren't within driving distance from anyone), but it's going to be even more of a challenge living in the UK.

I've had that several times over the years since I've been living out of the states.  I'm not overly sentimental, but I do want to show respect to people who've been important to me when they die.  It's an important message to those left and it infruriates me when Zi can't express that by attending a funeral suited and booted.  The alternative, booking a flight at the last minute is often impossible. 

I couldn't attend my aunt's funeral and it bothered me greatly.  As a compromise, they planned a memorial service around Christmas a few months later. Then we could plan a proper trip, spend Christmas with the family and everyone could come from all over.  It was a great solution.

We were booked to get married on June 4, 2013, with our in-person visa appointment the next day.   On May 19, 2013, my father passed away due to a sudden, acute illness after decades of heart disease took its toll on his organs.  I couldn't afford the trip home.  My little sister (USAF) was stationed in Japan at the time and also couldn't get home.  I don't know how it must have looked to my extended family that half of my dad's four children didn't attend his funeral.

It's not as tragic as I just made it sound.  I had been home for a visit (to apply for and await my fiancee visa) a few months before his acute illness.  I spent as much time with him as I could during those two months because we both knew without saying it that he had congestive heart failure and liver damage (from medication) and he was one opportunistic infection away from a serious medical crisis (how the rest of my family didn't see it coming is beyond me!).  The night before I left, he pulled me aside and told me, "No matter what you hear, don't come home for me.  I want you to live your life. Do what you need to do."  I told him I probably would come home anyway, for Mom's sake, but then when it happened so close to our wedding day and visa appointment, I didn't go home.  My dad wouldn't have minded, but I still agonized over that decision.

I'm glad your mother is doing better, dd852! This kind of thing has definitely been a massive fear of mine. Even with the cost aside, I always worry something will happen to a family member and the 8hr flight just won't be quick enough, no matter how fast I snag up the tickets.

Such situations are always a worry.  Thank goodness you had the conversation with your Dad - you spent time with him while he was alive, that is what is important.

I've lived outside of my home country for twenty years and it is something I have had to think about.  One thing I do know is that you can rush home - and the person dies when you are on the plane, or even if you are there - they go when you are out of the room. 

Dying is something we all do alone, no matter who is in the room with you.

All you can do is cherish the living.  And you did that with your Dad.  Miles don't matter. 

Such situations are always a worry.  Thank goodness you had the conversation with your Dad - you spent time with him while he was alive, that is what is important.

I've lived outside of my home country for twenty years and it is something I have had to think about.  One thing I do know is that you can rush home - and the person dies when you are on the plane, or even if you are there - they go when you are out of the room. 

Dying is something we all do alone, no matter who is in the room with you.

All you can do is cherish the living.  And you did that with your Dad.  Miles don't matter.

Wow, this has actually given me a lot of perspective on my fears!

I think the fear of something can be worse than the actual event. 

I'm the youngest of 8 (!) and have already lost two sisters - both while I was out of the country.  One sister came to see me off as I was leaving the country - and she will stay forever young in my mind.  The other had a long illness and was doing well, but suddenly she was gone.

Funerals are for the living.  They are there to help us with our grief.  The dead are no longer worried.  You have to make the decision to do whatever you need to for yourself. I don't mean to sound selfish, I mean to do whatever it takes for you to grieve. 

I sat with my mother in hospital for a week.  Sat up all night for a couple of nights.  I left the hospital to get a shower and change - and she dashed off before I could get back.  And it doesn't matter.  She spared me that last agonising memory.

Fear is only useful if it helps you plan your responses.  Plan A might be to rush back.  Plan B might be to head back at a later date and to buy some flowers and think of them where you are until you leave. Neither is the right or wrong thing to do.

Glad to hear she's doing better, dd852. It's a scary situation.

Back before my whole immigration saga began, I encountered something similar to what the others here are saying. My mother had a chronic illness for my entire life, and I spent most of my life convinced she wouldn't live out the year. She always proved me wrong. Then one day I was bringing her back from the hospital, our car was hit head-on, and she died on the way to the hospital. I was prepared for her to go slowly, not all at once like that. So no matter how much you prepare, death doesn't work the way you expect!

As everyone else has said, cherish your loved ones. It's never too early to give them a hug or a kind word.

Brenzie, how awful for you.

No matter when it happens, it is always a shock.