When did you realise?

Just came across an interesting post on an expat subreddit that asked when people knew they didn't want to move back to their home country.

Curious to know if anybody knows that (at least presently) they don't want to move back to the US (or wherever) and want to permanently stay in the UK?? If so, at what point did you *know*?

For me, I think I pretty much knew right away, I just didn't vocalise it because I was kind of afraid of the reactions I'd get from family and friends. I had spent the year prior to my wedding/move talking about how people didn't need to be sad because I'd eventually move back. I thought I would stay here until I qualified for dual, then move back home to spend time closer to my family.....but I pretty much knew within the first week of properly living here that I wasn't positive I wanted to go back to the US. I think at some point between then and the 6-month mark I knew 100% but I was just trying to cling on to people back home by saying that I definitely still wanted to move back someday (even though it wasn't true). This place just fits me like a glove, what can I say?! People back home comment on how much the UK suits me and how much happier I've been in the 4 years I've lived here. I've finally reached a point where I tell people that I am fairly certain I will never move back but I will never say never (who knows, someday it might be the right choice for us). Obviously I would prefer if I could just pack my loved ones up and ship them over here to be with me, but that's not an option. If flights decreased in price, that would make me happy enough as it means there could be more visits and all would be well! The only hurdle I struggle to think about is when the day comes that (hopefully is a way off) something happens to one of my parents...That is a bridge I cannot cross until I come to it however and hopefully that won't be for a long time.

Just curious to hear if anybody else has stories about when they realised they were happy here and didn't really see themselves going back?

When I first came over, I came over strictly for my husband, without any prior "I want to live in the UK" desire.  Admittedly, in the weighing our relationship options, the idea of moving to the UK was in the plus column, not the negative column.  But the huge difference in cost of living (I came over from Arkansas, and while I'd spent time in Los Angeles, my living expenses were covered out there, so I was coming from a very low COL to England), the cooler, wetter weather, the tiny accommodations, the driving adjustment, the more expensive and arduous visa journey... there were lots of things about my daily life that kept me thinking that this was going to be just until I could convince my husband to move to the US one day (I was at least planning to give it 5+ years to get through the visa ordeal to citizenship, so I never have to worry about it again).  There were a few times (such as the day we'd found a house we wanted to offer on and then learned banks wouldn't consider me or my income in a mortgage offer because they couldn't rely on me being in the UK for the duration of the mortgage term... it turned out to be a blessing in disguise, though, because we love the house and everything that comes with it that we eventually bought!) when I was so ready to throw in the towel and make my husband come to the US where we could've just built a house on some unincorporated land my family owns--no permits necessary!

Overall, I was happy that whole time, but I kept doing the compared-to-the-US thing in my head at every price tag, every inconvenience, etc.  It was so frustrating to know how much of a hit I'd taken in my net worth by moving over here.

I'm not sure when I stopped doing that comparison every day, but it did eventually go away.  Now, I can't even entertain the idea of moving back.  Everything is too volatile over there lately.

I think finding our house is when I officially quit thinking of even the possibility of Someday and decided this is definitely my forever home.  My husband agrees that our house is something special for us.  He says his family home when he was a small child, before his family left Portsmouth, is the only other place he's lived in that felt like Home.  He is happy, and I am happy, so we are staying. 

Now, I can't even entertain the idea of moving back.  Everything is too volatile over there lately.

I would definitely agree about the state of things over there at the moment causing me to feel like if I wasn't already sure about not moving back, I sure as sh*t am now (at least as things currently stand).

I can also empathise on the difficulties of getting a mortgage as an expat....So many hoops had to be jumped through! My husband already owned the flat that was where we lived when I first moved here, but without equity from that, we probably would've been screwed because it was soo difficult finding somebody willing consider me a fit applicant.

I would definitely agree about the state of things over there at the moment causing me to feel like if I wasn't already sure about not moving back, I sure as sh*t am now (at least as things currently stand).

Exactly!  My gosh, things seem to be in a downward spiral of corruption and vitriol!

I can also empathise on the difficulties of getting a mortgage as an expat....So many hoops had to be jumped through! My husband already owned the flat that was where we lived when I first moved here, but without equity from that, we probably would've been screwed because it was soo difficult finding somebody willing consider me a fit applicant.

It meant we had to scramble to accelerate our savings for a bigger downpayment.  But this is good, because we had a better loan-to-value ratio and got a lower interest rate.  It just would've been nice to not have that delay.  Every visa application felt like my dream of buying a house slipping further away. 

Hmmm...  I waver a bit admittedly. 

I moved here initially for two to three years as my stepping stone to getting a job assignment in China - my dream.  The UK was never my dream job.  But I wanted international work so was still very excited to make that a reality.  When I had the contract in front of me to leave the UK and I didn't sign it, I felt like, "okay, I'm here forever then."

Then we had a kid.  My inlaws really aren't into being grandparents.  That was a huge surprise for both of us.  We thought they'd stick their noses in.  They don't (which I like) but they also aren't interested in spending time with our kiddos.  At that point, we started to seriously think of moving to the US someday.

I waver back and forth a lot.  I see the faults in both countries.  I do not think either is better than the other.  I do not think that either is worse than the other.  I know I'll bloom where I plant my roots.  I HUGE part of me does not want to start all over again.  I also feel like we are in our forever home.  I have fears about the UK education system.  I worry that if my kids are not good test takers or are late bloomers that the UK system isn't right for them.  Again, there may be no reason to worry.  I also fear that my career would suffer in the USA.  I actually do quite well in the UK and fear that I wouldn't do as well in the USA.

My new dream is cashing out on our UK real estate, buying a house with a view in the US, and opening my own dance studio.  Build it up so eventually I'm just the owner with a solid group of teachers and great classes for kids.  And me and my husband quit our corporate jobs and just enjoy our family.  At this point, I have no idea what the future holds for us.  I still can't answer Albatross's "what's your five year plan" question.  And I still think about that question regularly.  I need a five year plan!

So to summarize.  I may be here for life.  I may not.   

Every visa application felt like my dream of buying a house slipping further away. 

haha I know that feel

Hmmm...  I waver a bit admittedly. 

...

So to summarize.  I may be here for life.  I may not.   

Are you disappointed that your inlaws aren't interested in their grandchildren?  How disinterested are they?  Like, not even acknowledging birthdays or sending Christmas gifts, or just not taking an active role in their daily lives?

If my husband had bought a property years ago and rode the appreciation wave so we had real estate to cash out from, we most likely would have used the equity to pay cash for a modest place similar to what we have now, but without a mortgage and with the financial resources to make the improvements it needs right away, here in the UK.  I still don't think we would have cashed out and moved to the US.  Getting our own house was this monumental hurdle that was the primary look-how-easy-it-would-be-in-the-US comparison I used to make. Now that we've done it, that's a huge factor eliminated.

Hmmm...  I waver a bit admittedly. 

I think a lot of people do! That's totally fair! I didn't mean to phrase it in a way that was only for people that had made up their minds as it's interesting to hear everybody's story regardless of whether or not they know for sure!

I know I'll bloom where I plant my roots. 

I like that! I definitely feel that way! Like if I had to go live elsewhere, I think I would try to thrive as best as I could as long as my husband was with me! I do agree that there are pros and cons of both places. The school thing, however, I hear that back in my home state they are just cutting every arts program possible (and even non-arts programs) because the money just isn't there and it makes me sad! I'm not sure if it's better here in that sense as we don't have kids yet so it's not something we've had to look into yet.

I knew I wanted to leave the US from the time I was a teenager. I never really felt comfortable there, though I couldn't really articulate that until I was older and had seen what life was like in other countries. I framed it as a desire for adventure and to see the world, which my family understood because they had wanted the same thing at that age. I moved to Japan first, and met my husband there, which of course brought me to the UK.

Even though I had always planned to stay here, I really knew I would never move back when a senior teacher at a school I was working at a few years ago mentioned that there were a lot of jobs available in the US for people with my UK-based qualifications, and me not needing a visa to work there would be a real benefit. Immediately, I felt anxious and somehow that going back to the US would be like stepping into a cage, reverting to the unhappy misfit I'd been in high school. I knew that no matter how good the job was, I didn't want it.

I'll never say never, but right now the UK is my home and I have no desire to leave... to go to the US or anywhere else.

Are you disappointed that your inlaws aren't interested in their grandchildren?  How disinterested are they?  Like, not even acknowledging birthdays or sending Christmas gifts, or just not taking an active role in their daily lives?

If my husband had bought a property years ago and rode the appreciation wave so we had real estate to cash out from, we most likely would have used the equity to pay cash for a modest place similar to what we have now, but without a mortgage and with the financial resources to make the improvements it needs right away, here in the UK.  I still don't think we would have cashed out and moved to the US.  Getting our own house was this monumental hurdle that was the primary look-how-easy-it-would-be-in-the-US comparison I used to make. Now that we've done it, that's a huge factor eliminated.

Yes, I'm very disappointed that my inlaws don't show more of an interest.  They seem to be a bit more interested now that my son is here...  don't get me started on thinking they are more interested in a grandson than a granddaughter!!   

My inlaws are really lovely people.  But they just aren't interested.  I genuinely think they believe kids should be seen and not heard.  You should hear the rants they've had about kids and sidewalk chalk.  I mean - come on - it washes off!!

I don't care that they don't want to babysit.  We can hire people to do that.  But I kind of think they should WANT to see their grandkids?  And that they should WANT to have a few hours with them here and there?  I know my husband is very disappointed.

They do give gifts for the grandkids.  At least they tell us what their budget is and we buy something "from them". 

But to be fair, my parents have surprised me a bit too.  They really do know my daughter through weekly video calls and put great effort in.  But even though they know how frustrated we are with childcare here, when they are around they aren't exactly saying, "Get out of here tonight you two.  We'll watch the kids."  But they KNOW my daughter really well and understand her unique quirks.  I'm sure they'll be the same with the animated sack of potatoes in time.

My husband had a house here before we met (his second).  He always had a friend as a roommate and had always overpaid his mortgage by quite a bit each month.  As a result, we have a tiny mortgage on our rental and quite a bit of money "on paper."  We also have a decent amount of equity in our primary residence too.  Even with the crap exchange rate, we could have a VERY nice house in the US with no mortgage.  And DAMN if that isn't appealing!  But there is more to life than money, of course.  Which is why it would be nice to have no mortgage to pay!   

I think a lot of people do! That's totally fair! I didn't mean to phrase it in a way that was only for people that had made up their minds as it's interesting to hear everybody's story regardless of whether or not they know for sure!

I like that! I definitely feel that way! Like if I had to go live elsewhere, I think I would try to thrive as best as I could as long as my husband was with me! I do agree that there are pros and cons of both places. The school thing, however, I hear that back in my home state they are just cutting every arts program possible (and even non-arts programs) because the money just isn't there and it makes me sad! I'm not sure if it's better here in that sense as we don't have kids yet so it's not something we've had to look into yet.

What surprised me most was genuinely thinking that I was here forever... and then how quickly my mind opened up to moving back after having a kid.  I wouldn't have thought I would be like that!  The hard part of being an expat is that in some ways, you can't win.  If I lived in the USA, there are many things I wish my kids could experience in the UK.  If I stay in the UK, there are many things I wish my kids could experience in the USA!

While school funding cuts in the US are NOT cool, there is so much more focus on being well rounded there.  Here, it's ALL academics.  After school sports and activities are much fewer and further between.  I would actually be quite keen to explore private school for the kiddos.  It's not much more money than nursery!  But I don't think I could get my husband on board.  Not to mention you have to put your kids names down before they are born, I think!

Getting our own house was this monumental hurdle that was the primary look-how-easy-it-would-be-in-the-US comparison I used to make. Now that we've done it, that's a huge factor eliminated.

I think, for us, I knew it'd be just as hard (if not more expensive) to get the house we have in the US in the location I'd want to live - especially as we'd have to consider my student loan debt so I was lucky that I never had the "look how easy it would be" comparison I think.

I framed it as a desire for adventure and to see the world, which my family understood because they had wanted the same thing at that age.

Did your family think this desire to adventure would be something that you'd eventually grow out of?

Wanna know something crazy?  I actually don't love being a homeowner!  I always enjoyed the freedom of renting as it allowed me to take opportunities as they were presented to me.

And yes, I realise I'm in finance and owning your own home is one of the first rules of a healthy personal financial situation.  But I really loved that I used to have ZERO debt.

I'm sure they'll be the same with the animated sack of potatoes in time.

I just snorted hahahaha

That's shitty though that they don't pick out personal gifts for your kids and that they don't seem to be bothered either way but maybe it'll improve with age? I was wondering if maybe it was just a Brit thing as I feel like there are so many more people over here not as close/overly affectionate with their families than what I was used to in the US, but that might just be who I've personally come into contact with as I know there are obviously many contradictions to that on both sides.

y husband had a house here before we met (his second).  He always had a friend as a roommate and had always overpaid his mortgage by quite a bit each month.  As a result, we have a tiny mortgage on our rental and quite a bit of money "on paper."  We also have a decent amount of equity in our primary residence too.  Even with the crap exchange rate, we could have a VERY nice house in the US with no mortgage.  And DAMN if that isn't appealing!  But there is more to life than money, of course.  Which is why it would be nice to have no mortgage to pay!   

My husband did the same! He bought his first place at 23 I think and then always rented out a room (it was 2 bedroom). He did the place up himself and overpaid most months (he would drink at home before going out with friends to save money at pubs/bars). If he hadn't done this, I am 100% confident we wouldn't be where we are today and I wouldn't be a homeowner myself. We were lucky that his two brothers bought into the maisonette so we didn't have to lose that equity. The three of them share ownership as landlords and rent the place out because if they didn't buy in, we wouldn't have money to keep it *and* pay the down payment for a new place. Totally agree that money isn't everything, but very thankful that my husband was so responsible!