Seriously? WTF?

TF, I wouldn't be able to take the passive-aggressiveness of it all!  You are a saint!

So I've got one to share:

Last night, my husband says he talked to his mom and his parents don't want to do Christmas together.  They don't want to eat together or anything.  They plan to pop over in the afternoon, after Christmas dinner, for a cup of coffee.  They are also not going to the cousin's house for Boxing Day, which she hosts every year.

Nice, eh?

My kids will be the only kids on the planet who has grandparents that live less than 10 miles away who CHOOSE not to be with them on Christmas.

I'd totally spend Christmas with you guys, KF!

DH's family don't really do a proper Christmas (but they think they do).

Worst bit: no one likes pumpkin pie and they do roast potatoes rather than mash. Also (surprise surprise), no one tell us what we can bring or when we're eating so we show up with random food and end up being no help. I would love to NOT be here.

They really should see my family's Christmas. 

I have no idea what to do for food, as American sides are not very allergy friendly.  And I am soooooo sick of roasts.  <sigh>

Allergies suck.

I have no idea what to do for food, as American sides are not very allergy friendly.  And I am soooooo sick of roasts.  <sigh>

Allergies suck.

Even if it were burnt mush, I'm sure you're better company than my in-laws. 

Can you remind me of your family allergies?

KFDancer, hey my grandparents growing up were the same.  Definitely not like the warm and fuzzy relationship that my friends had with their grandparents. 

I'd say a nice excuse to make Christmas your way!  For me, if I didn't have to cater to my in-laws who want their turkey dinner, then Christmas food can be anything (Thanksgiving, that's traditional). Hey, but Christmas, well we've had a million different things. 
Do you have a nut allergy?  Because if not, you can do a nice sweet potato pecan casserole. Here's a nicelooking gluten free/dairy free recipe.

Thanks for tha PB. Yeah, I need to decide the menu.  Definitely less pressure without the inlaws.

My husband spent a ton of time with his grandparents growing up so he's as confused as anyone.  Especially as his mom spent years saying "I'm never going to be a grandmother."   

We are dairy, soya, and gluten free.  Some can eat some things, but best of all free from those as we can all have them.

Haven't tried the baby with nuts yet...  too scared!   

Definitely less pressure without the inlaws.

This!  Concentrate on the positive, you can do things exactly to suit youselves now without worrying about other people.

Thanks larrabee. It's good to hear that it's not just us being weird.

When the whole family is a bit nuts, it's easy to feel like the odd one out and the only one that's not behaving normally. Luckily, DH and I are in the same boat.

Just remember that you're the sane ones! Don't let the crazy rub off on you! 

Just remember that you're the sane ones! Don't let the crazy rub off on you! 

Thanks. This thread is a much-needed outlet.

Luckily DH and I text a lot while he's at work during the day and I do some live-texting (like live-texting or live-tweeting) so that keeps me a little sane during the day.

Working from home was much better before we moved into crazy town.

I get this a bit KF, my MIL is merely four hours away and we see her all of four times a year. I literally had my heart broken yesterday as my parents left and my step daughter cried that evening to see her maternal Nan. Like my parents will get twice a year best to form that in person relationship with her and future kids but she's not that interested. When she does come around she spends most the time playing games on her tablet.

TF, your a saint. Keep pushing through.


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My kids will be the only kids on the planet who has grandparents that live less than 10 miles away who CHOOSE not to be with them on Christmas.

I'm sorry to learn that your in-laws didn't turn out to be the grandparents you had hoped for your kids.

The role of grandparents is foreign to me. All four of my grandparents grew up in small villages in Mexico and were farm laborers and lived in harsh times and conditions so they were quite "old" to me. To be fair, my paternal grandfather was born in 1889 and the others in 1910 so by the time I arrived in 1970, I had limited time with them. They all died by the time I turned nine (I also lost my mother when I was 10). My four grandparents had 17 children between them and I was one of 73 grandchildren (yes, I have 72 first cousins). So, I have little memories of them as I was one of so many so the stereotype of grandma doting on her grandchildren didn't apply to us.

My son made me a grandmother at age 41. My youngest child was 11. To say I was not happy at the news is an understatement. But she's now five and a sweet little girl and her twin brothers are extremely cute. I can't say that I know how to act "grandmotherly" in the classic TV sense. In fact, my son yelled at me recently and accused me of not being the grandmother he "expected". I know I love and adore those children but I can't possibly know what he "expects" if he doesn't lay out what his expectations actually are and I also have my personality that's far different from what I perceive as his "expectation".

I'm guessing that he wants me to act like my MIL who absolutely dotes on him and his siblings. That's her personality and she's lovely but I am nothing like her and I never will be. If I started acting like her now, I wouldn't be my authentic self. I show affection in completely different ways. I asked my son what he meant by "grandmotherly" but he replied that I should just "know". I don't unless it's pointed out. In my head, I'm a good person but apparently it's not enough for my son.

Perhaps KFdancer, you should have a heart-to-heart with your in-laws and actually tell them how you're feeling and be specific about what you want them to do to show affection that satisfies you and your husband. They may change a little bit and you'll make a sort of compromise but you'll need to be prepared that that they may not. So, give your voice, make your peace and then let it go.




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"So, give your voice, make your peace and then let it go."

That is an excellent piece of advice. 

I think we all have expectations of our parents/grandparents etc.  Wouldn't it be fantastic if all families were like the Waltons? (well, maybe not)

People do the best they can.  Sometimes I feel that we are playing the same game but using a different rule book. 

I have had quite few "challenges" with my family.  No one can hurt you like family, can they?  But that gave me the opportunity to concentrate on my own, nuclear, family.  Once I did that, their ability to hurt me lessened until now I am happy for them to interact with us whenever they want to, and I am also happy if they do not.

People are just people.  They are doing the best they can - and even if they are not, then that is OK too.   

Sorry for the ramble.

Talked to my husband about it last night and he’s trying to not let it bother him.  We know it’s not us.

I made peace several years ago that they aren’t “those” grandparents but this seems on another level.  My daughter adores them.  We don’t need them to babysit or anything.  But just dote on them for a few hours here and there so they feel loved.  Oh well!  We’ll make sure our kids know they are loved. 

And people expected me to wear a big white dress.  I didn't.  I wore a nice long storm grey (evening) dress - which I wore again last year on Valentines Day.

I wore black on my wedding! Never let anybody pressure you into doing something that isn't you I'm glad you held your ground Blossom!

I wore black on my wedding! Never let anybody pressure you into doing something that isn't you I'm glad you held your ground Blossom!

Goth!

Goth!

Shouting 'goth!' as a retort reminds me of the thing from like 10 years ago where this guy did 'Scouse 300' and it was boss. Persia badly started on Sparta, and it just kicked off after that. It's still on Livejournal (those were the days!) but the images aren't hosted on there any more, and it's a real loss to society and culture.