Firstly, apologies everybody (and thank you for letting me vent). I was just SO stressed out as I've been trying to get a list from him since the beginning of November and he was being super evasive and it was stressful as I only have 1 shopping week left and I just needed to get that frustration out.
My husband is also very practical but I do try to find things he doesn't realize he needed, or forgot about, or will need soon. I'm glad there isn't a big "to do" in his family, because it was hell on my checkbook with my step family for many years when they rarely remembered me (I was buying for their kids and something small for them). I enjoy giving gifts but only when they're actually appreciated!
I think my problem is that I have no idea finding things that he doesn't realise he needs/wants or will need/want later or use, but I know how he is and I would rather have an active list of things that he wants but isn't prepared to buy for himself. He can just be so difficult with complaining about clutter/having things we don't need that I just would rather he tell me ideas of what he wants so I can go based off that.
Maybe take a step back and figure out what you need from the holiday? Then talk to your husband about it as calmly as you can, even though it's upsetting. Christmas with more than a small stocking/little gifts seems to be a mostly North American thing but our traditions matter too. Maybe if he realizes giving gifts is partially cultural he'll stop being such a stick in the mud about it. Good luck!!
I think we totally just need to have a calm and clear-headed discussion about it. It seems like the fact that he lost his mom back in October is just putting him off all things Christmas...which I get...but I wish he would tell me THAT as opposed to being told that "Christmas is too materialised" and that "nobody likes having to buy presents" (I personally don't agree as I enjoy buying presents for people). I now think these are just the things he's saying to avoid dealing with the loss of his mum at the holidays because he's barely had to buy ANY Christmas presents (he bought one present each for 2 of his nieces based off the specific item they gave him and it took less than 10 mins total). I personally don't see Christmas (for us) as being materialistic because it's not about buying EXPENSIVE gifts or loads of them, it's about getting somebody something you know they'd enjoy because it makes you feel good to make them happy. I feel like that makes me sound like a massive b*tch but I honestly understand not being into Christmas when your parent has just died (we are ALL sad about it) but if he were direct about it, we could actually have a productive conversation. Instead he is blaming it on everything else that it only dawned on me this morning what the problem really was. I know it's not a cultural thing this will be our 4th Christmas together and this is the first one where he's been difficult (but again, that'll be because of his mum, I'm sure). I did expect it to be difficult especially as it's just us at Christmas this year but I didn't expect the Christmas shopping to be the stressful part.
You're right, it is about the thought.
Are there treats that each of you like that are a bit too indulgent to just buy in a normal Sunday shop? Like really nice chocolates or cheese or wine etc? Could you suggest picking out a couple for each other to wrap up? It isn't clutter, and it needn't be expensive, but it's a nice way to put thought into treating each other for the holiday.
There aren't too many things that we would be too indulgent for us to buy when we are wanting them on the regular but it's even worse as of late as he's been on a "we're so lazy, we don't need chocolate" kick so even buying him any types of sweets would be a waste. We don't drink much at home unless we have company over so booze wouldn't even be something that would be useful for him as we already have a backlog we haven't used yet.
It might sound like I'm being difficult but I just hate the idea of wrapping and unwrapping things that I already know what they are because I feel like it's a waste of material and there's no element of surprise.
Really sorry you're so upset. . But PLEASE don't let this spoil your Christmas!
Why don't you make him some "coupons" for things you know he likes. Dinner at your favourite restaurant or a day trip to your favourite place for example, and put them in a beautifully wrapped box? That way there won't be the physical clutter that he objects to
While the coupons aren't a bad idea in the slightest, the problem is that he'd never use them! They'd end up lost most likely as we don't go out to eat much (lately it's either been because he thinks it's a waste of money or because it's much healthier to eat at home - you can take your pick. We only really go out for special occasions like birthdays) and we don't really go many places as we spend the majority of our free time on the weekend sorting things out at our house. Knowing the way he's been as of late, he'd probably complain at the wasted paper as we already have enough paper cluttering up our surfaces lol
Has he spoken about any thing he'd like to physically do? I was struggling with gift ideas, and mine like yours requested a dash cam. Why? As I was browsing I came across a clay pigeons shooting experience and remembered he has always wanted to go to the shooting range when we go home. It may be way off but I thought I tried, and you can get experience vouchers off grouping and such. And they cause no clutter
Don't take the decorations down, they're Important to you. It's a hard time of year being so far from home, and sometimes I feel like they try to understand but they often forget we're not native and have different traditions. Big hugs I hope it gets better xxxx
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Things he wants to physically do is go to Japan (which we will be doing in the second half of next year) and he wants to move house. That's about it. We've been very lucky and have lots of fun experiences here and in the US and gone to lots of the local places we can day-trip to. I don't honestly think there's much left that I can think of that he would be interested in doing but I do 100% thing experience vouchers are the way to go for people as presents! Might just pop on wowcher and see if there's any good deals I might not have thought of.
RE the forgetting we aren't native, I think that's the hardest part for me with this. If I were new to living over here and I thought it was just a matter of him not understanding how Christmas works with me, it'd be one thing...but the fact that we've had 4 other christmases together (2 here and 2 there) before this one where it's all been fine for the most part is what makes it frustrating. I give him a free pass on things like the stocking stuffers because it's not something he had done as an adult before marrying me, but there are other things it's a lot more difficult to give him a free pass on because I know he knows and that it's not some foreign concept to him...but it's more that he thinks of things in one way (this year) and it's expected that it's how we should all feel - if that makes sense?
Men!
On the opposite end of the spectrum my husband has WAY too many ideas this year!
I'd recommend finding tickets for something you'd enjoy. A comedian or band.
But yeah, bah humbug to him.
You are always welcome to come to ours in the afternoon. We are going to play a board game (game to be determined, would welcome suggestions).
hah i would loveee a massive list as it would at least give me something to work with! While normally I would give him tickets to something, there's honestly not much happening that I think he'd want to go to just now. We pretty much just buy tickets to bands/shows we like when we see them and I think we have tickets to everything we like already! hah
This might be one of those things you will have to learn to love about your hubby. You could embrace it and make it your own. Keeping it positive, you know he loves you and if he understood etc etc. So make up for it by buying yourself stuff that you like and will enjoy, wrapping them all up, and opening them on Christmas morn. You can buy him some silly stuff as well and if it has to be practical, then make sure you wrap those undies in the most spectacular way for him. Then have a fabulous, indulgent, breakfast.
No one is going to touch your Christmas! Go for it! Grab Christmas by the ears and give it a big kiss. He will be steamrollered by your attitude. He will soon catch on.
I do know he loves me for sure. He's not being difficult for lack of love - which is good. I totally thing he's just being difficult because he doesn't want to deal with the loss of his mum (especially because his other siblings are all away and this is the year we are staying in the UK vs going to the US)...it's just the fact that he's making it about everything else except his mum wasn't making it easy to identify the real issue until this morning so it came across like he was just being difficult and it was just frustrating as hell. Hah In fairness, I always give him practical stuff. He loves funky socks so I usually get him one pair of fun socks and a pair of undies for inside his stocking so it's not like I've never given him practical gifts, but for some reason he just likes to forget that. I'm at a point where I'm ready to just forgo shopping for either of us at this point as it's just stressing me out (thus upsetting me) way more than I feel it should. I definitely intend on making an indulgent breakfast even if it's just for me (he will likely complain about us being lazy fatties or something but I genuinely don't care LOL).
I keep trying to tell him when he says it won't feel like Christmas as it'll just be us anyways that Christmas is what you make of it and it will obviously suck if you go into it with a negative attitude. All you can do is make the best with what you have.
Great idea!!
He doesn't really 'get' the whole stocking thing, but I always do one for him, full of stuff he needs... a pair of socks, a new toothbrush, disposable razors, dental floss, soap (he does love scented soaps!)... plus sweets, chewing gum, a bag of pistachios, etc.
Literally same exact boat here haha He tries, he just doesn't totally get it...Makes me wish my mom would fly over here and just fill mine for me
I've tried to explain to him he can literally go to poundland and get me hair elastics/clips and some razors and stuff as in our family, stockings were always about things you *needed* on the regular (like bits of makeup/eyeliner or hair accessories or basic hygiene products, etc.) but he still is a bit clueless, bless LOL.
Thanks for all the replies, everybody
You're all wonderful people and I feel better just getting it out of my system. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to reply to everybody. Will have a chat with him today and see how it goes