Author Topic: Moving... again  (Read 605 times)

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Offline Explorer

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Moving... again
« on: April 29, 2018, 09:35:37 PM »
I love my British husband. I really do. We just moved and now he's decided for a variety of reasons that he wants to move again. I don't want to move again. I like my new house and I really like the community. Now the house is on the market and I'm beyond frustrated. I wish he would have given it more time... as in more than three months!! It's super hard to leave the place you've always lived and I really understand that, but give it a chance!

Offline KFdancer

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2018, 09:33:35 AM »
I love my British husband. I really do. We just moved and now he's decided for a variety of reasons that he wants to move again. I don't want to move again. I like my new house and I really like the community. Now the house is on the market and I'm beyond frustrated. I wish he would have given it more time... as in more than three months!! It's super hard to leave the place you've always lived and I really understand that, but give it a chance!

I know who this is.   ;D

Hugs.  You know my opinion.  He hasn't given it a chance! 

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2018, 09:37:22 AM »
I'm sorry that you're being moved around again :( 3 months, in my opinion, isn't very long..

Is he wanting to make a massive move (like to another country) again or just to a different area? Have you two actually discussed this or did he just take the initiative to say "this is what's happening" without you really having a chance to voice your thoughts?

Offline larrabee

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2018, 10:05:16 AM »
I love my British husband. I really do. We just moved and now he's decided for a variety of reasons that he wants to move again. I don't want to move again. I like my new house and I really like the community. Now the house is on the market and I'm beyond frustrated. I wish he would have given it more time... as in more than three months!! It's super hard to leave the place you've always lived and I really understand that, but give it a chance!

The house is on the market? Why is he calling the shots?  Sounds to me that you should still be in discussions if that's the way you feel about it.
March 28th 2013-Moved to UK, husband on spouse visa.Oct 20th 2015-Applied by mail for FLR(M).Feb 1st 2016 FLR(M).March 7th 2018 ILR. YAY! March 21st NCS&JCAP appointment.

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2018, 10:16:41 AM »
The house is on the market? Why is he calling the shots?  Sounds to me that you should still be in discussions if that's the way you feel about it.

100% my thoughts on the matter too!

Offline phatbeetle

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2018, 10:30:38 AM »
Hard to tell the whole context of this from what you've posted, but it does sound like you're not having open communication and partnership.  Which is quite a red flag to me. 
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Offline jimbocz

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2018, 01:39:24 PM »
Hard to tell the whole context of this from what you've posted, but it does sound like you're not having open communication and partnership.  Which is quite a red flag to me.
I certainly hope that if you aren't happy after 3 months the house is going back on the market for the next move? 

I agree, something is fundamentally not right.   

Offline Explorer

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2018, 02:20:57 PM »
I think he thought he was more adventurous than he really is. He has never lived anywhere other than the area he's from. To be fair he's traveled extensively and stayed around the world for months at a time with work, but that wasn't permanent. We moved from England to Scotland and I thought the Scottish/ English rivalry thing was exaggerated. It's not. People start off smiling until they hear his accent. I know he doesn't feel welcome here and I understand. That probably plays a big part in why he's been dragging his feet on finding a work contract in Scotland. I'm willing to compromise up to a point. I really don't want to live in Southeast England long term. I looooove my fellow Americans down there (and miss them terribly), but I really struggle with the amount of people and general lack of community!

This whole move has been a disaster from the beginning. We really shouldn't have moved into this house in the first place, it's just frustrating that I actually like it. At least he's at admitted I was right to suggest renting after we sold our last place!

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #8 on: April 30, 2018, 02:40:36 PM »
I think he thought he was more adventurous than he really is. He has never lived anywhere other than the area he's from. To be fair he's traveled extensively and stayed around the world for months at a time with work, but that wasn't permanent. We moved from England to Scotland and I thought the Scottish/ English rivalry thing was exaggerated. It's not. People start off smiling until they hear his accent. I know he doesn't feel welcome here and I understand. That probably plays a big part in why he's been dragging his feet on finding a work contract in Scotland. I'm willing to compromise up to a point. I really don't want to live in Southeast England long term. I looooove my fellow Americans down there (and miss them terribly), but I really struggle with the amount of people and general lack of community!

This whole move has been a disaster from the beginning. We really shouldn't have moved into this house in the first place, it's just frustrating that I actually like it. At least he's at admitted I was right to suggest renting after we sold our last place!

Could you try to compromise and say give it x-time before you start looking again? OR if you're willing to move now, maybe look into the community a bit and see how you feel about it and then he has to be on the same page that this move will be the last big move for a set amount of time.

I would suggest, and this is just my personal opinion to how I'd approach it and you obviously need to do what's best fore you, that before you place your home up for sale, I would be researching where you want to go to/what it is you're looking for. If he wants to be near family but you don't want to be back down in the south again, maybe look for a place that is within a realistic driving distance so that you can visit them easy enough on weekends but within a community you feel comfortable/at home in. Once you find a place that seems like a good fit for you, then sell your house. Listing your house now when you're both in a position where you don't really know where the next place you'll both be happy is will just make things more difficult. Is there anywhere you're feeling comfortable going outside of Scotland at present?

Offline KFdancer

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2018, 02:51:03 PM »
We miss you loads.  Let me know when you want to do another Nirvana night.  I'm always up for it.   ;D

You know my opinion.  He needs to TRY.  Get a job in the local area and give it a shot.  He hasn't even lived there yet.   ;)  I'd hope he would give it two years, personally.  And get your license!!!!   ;D ;D ;D

Okay, mother hen has left the building.  Go back to cuddling your kitty.

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #10 on: April 30, 2018, 02:57:15 PM »
We miss you loads.  Let me know when you want to do another Nirvana night.  I'm always up for it.   ;D

You know my opinion.  He needs to TRY.  Get a job in the local area and give it a shot.  He hasn't even lived there yet.   ;)  I'd hope he would give it two years, personally.  And get your license!!!!   ;D ;D ;D

Okay, mother hen has left the building.  Go back to cuddling your kitty.

Yeah I don't personally think 3 months is long enough to say you've made an honest go...Unless it's a situation like people in other countries have had where the environment has been bad for a person's health or something.

Offline larrabee

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #11 on: April 30, 2018, 03:02:44 PM »
I think he thought he was more adventurous than he really is. He has never lived anywhere other than the area he's from. To be fair he's traveled extensively and stayed around the world for months at a time with work, but that wasn't permanent. We moved from England to Scotland and I thought the Scottish/ English rivalry thing was exaggerated. It's not. People start off smiling until they hear his accent. I know he doesn't feel welcome here and I understand. That probably plays a big part in why he's been dragging his feet on finding a work contract in Scotland. I'm willing to compromise up to a point. I really don't want to live in Southeast England long term. I looooove my fellow Americans down there (and miss them terribly), but I really struggle with the amount of people and general lack of community!

This whole move has been a disaster from the beginning. We really shouldn't have moved into this house in the first place, it's just frustrating that I actually like it. At least he's at admitted I was right to suggest renting after we sold our last place!

It took me 3 years to get used to living in the US, three months is nothing!  ;D

Having said that, now knowing a bit more background, perhaps somewhere in the north of England might be a good compromise? You'll get the friendliness and sense of community there but he should feel more at home.  :)
March 28th 2013-Moved to UK, husband on spouse visa.Oct 20th 2015-Applied by mail for FLR(M).Feb 1st 2016 FLR(M).March 7th 2018 ILR. YAY! March 21st NCS&JCAP appointment.

Offline margo

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2018, 10:56:27 AM »
I feel like he's experiencing what it's like for us having such a huge move from the US ... I'm having an admittedly horrible time adapting, but I know I need to give it at least a year. I'm also seeking mental health services to help with the adjustment as well. Having steady work in the area helps a LOT, as right now I just feel like I 100% don't belong here because I can't even get an interview let alone a job. Meaningful work matters. I hope you can convince him to give it a real shot. Scotland is so lovely, and I hope he can adapt. :)
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Offline Nan D.

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #13 on: May 03, 2018, 09:14:06 PM »
Yeah, I have to agree. Three months? That's still tourist-time! But then, I have moved many times in my life, so to me the move was just an adventure. And, arguably, and escape.

Still, I'd hoped to be able to "fit in" better by getting a job and doing "normal people" stuff, but I'm old enough that I also expected it to be tough to find work (regardless of any laws that might exist, there's still a bias against pimply-faced teens and wrinkly old people).  I've had a bit of an existential crisis, on occasion about it - the "I don't belong here" thing. But, then, when I've looked back, I have had that feeling on and off all my life and it's much less here. Or I've gotten jaded enough that it just really doesn't matter.  ;)  It was close to time to hang up the spurs anyway, and I knew my chances of getting a professional job here were slim.

But that doesn't help the three-monther's problem. I suspect time would do that, actually. It's a bad place to be in. Wish I could  offer something useful that would help. Talking about it might, but it might also make the person who has to listen miserable. One would hope that they could commit for a year, and then revisit the decision to settle where they are.  Best of luck dealing with them - it has to be getting old having to have that uncertainty hanging over your head.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2018, 07:35:43 AM by Nan D. »

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Re: Moving... again
« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2018, 04:56:11 PM »
x0Kiss0fDeath-
The house is already on the market! I have no clue how long it will take to sell so I’ve been spending my days researching different areas. We’ve been traveling around a lot and its increasingly looking like the northern part of Northumberland. I’m not a person that thrives on uncertainty lol so I’m finding this difficult for sure!


KFdancer- Exactly! He doesn't even live here! He’s only really here on the weekends. I can't wait for a nirvana night! My mom is coming this month for two  weeks (pray for me) so as soon as I figure out a date, i’ll let you know. Probably in June!

larrabee- Yes! Thats seems like a good fit so far! We’ve been going on weekend trips around the north lol

margo- If I’m honest, it took me two years to adjust to moving here. I don't think it should take him that long because it’s not a massively different culture, although I do understand that he feels very english up here. Since I don't work, I’m willing to be a bit more flexible around where we live. I’m more of a country girl so I would like to avoid the southeast!

Nan D.- The uncertainty is awful. I hate not having a plan, although my plan rarely pan out the way I originally hoped haha! He’s had plenty of opportunity to work up here, but didn't take any of the jobs. He finally admitted that he doesn't really like it and feels bad because this has been a huge waste of money.