Roommates

Oh, yes, we have had several talks about what is going on with the two of them. It was a big talk that came up when I decided that my dog would go to live with my sister instead staying here with my best friend and her fiancé (my dog is too old to make the trip to England so my sister is caring for her). I told my best friend that my dog is not staying here because of her fiancé. He’s got a temper and yells at the two dogs they share, and I believe he’s a large part of why their youngest dog is so anxious. I told her I’m not putting my dog through that anymore, and if he treats the dogs that way, then how will he treat their children? They had a fight after that where she told him he needed to change, and it seemed like they were heading for a breakup. Nevertheless, they did not split. Things are mostly okay, but I just feel like another big fight like that is bound to come up again. It’s just a facade that things are fine because it’s only small things he does here and there that raise an eyebrow.

The controlling and abusive qualities he exhibits are what remind me so much of my ex. I’ve pointed all of this out to her before, and I think she’s just not wanting to see the parallels. She was in an abusive relationship once before, and she stuck it out with him for 9 years. Her fiancé isn’t as obvious with the abuse, and I think she compares him to her ex and thinks ‘well, at least this one isn’t as bad’. She also seems to get hung up on the fact that she’s high maintenance, so because he appears to handle her high maintenance ways, she thinks ‘well I’m hard to deal with so at least he puts up with me being difficult’. I also suspect that since she’s about to be 30, she’s very eager to settle down and start a family.

She makes excuses for him, but I just see she’s on the same trajectory that I was in my previous relationship. For me it went from ‘well, he loves me and doesn’t hit me so why am I complaining? We all have bad days’. Then it also went to attributing his behavior to events happening (‘he’s just in a bad mood because he’s struggling with the job hunt’). Then eventually it got to ‘nope, I’m out’. I’ve seen her make excuses for him because of something going on in his life, and she and I have had a few “I love him, but...” conversations.
We had a lot of talks during the last relationship she had as well, and she broke up with him a few times before it finally stuck. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Despite our talks that we have had, she seems determined to marry him in October.
It may seem that I’m being cavalier about all of this, but I know her well enough to know that she doesn’t always take advice. She’ll smile, nod, then go do what she was going to do anyways. 

Bearing all of that in mind... um... I don't know your friend, but she has always been your best friend.  I really hope you two can survive your remaining few weeks there so when you leave there's some semblance of your friendship intact.  Don't let him push you out of her life.  Be persistent.  It's going to be hard from across the ocean, but make sure she knows that there's someone out there that she can turn to if she ever needs to.

Does she hang out with anybody else?  Or is it just you and the fiance currently?

Bearing all of that in mind... um... I don't know your friend, but she has always been your best friend.  I really hope you two can survive your remaining few weeks there so when you leave there's some semblance of your friendship intact.  Don't let him push you out of her life.  Be persistent.  It's going to be hard from across the ocean, but make sure she knows that there's someone out there that she can turn to if she ever needs to.

Does she hang out with anybody else?  Or is it just you and the fiance currently?

Oh yes, she hangs out with other people. She has plenty of friends and she sees her family quite often. She talks to her mom everyday, and she probably tells her mom more than she tells anyone else. Her mom is aware of the issues that they have. I’m not sure if her mom has said the same things that I have, such as pointing out the behavior and how that’s not how a fiancé should be. She is certainly not afraid to get away when she needs it, but it’s hard making her see the fact that her wanting to be away from him is a good sign that this is not going to work in the long run.

Despite how trying it’s been, I don’t hold a grudge against her. It’s been very frustrating at times, but she’s still my best friend. We survived me living on the other coast for 8 years (she’s always been the one to come pick me up from the airport when I came home to visit), and we’ve already talked about her coming to visit in England. She hasn’t left the country yet, so she’s looking forward to seeing what else is out in the world.

There is absolutely no chance he is going to push me out of her life. I won’t let that happen.

So did you ever get to move?

So did you ever get to move?

Yep, I'm here in the UK with my husband now!  Left that awkward roommate situation in early August. As far as I know, my best friend and significant other are doing very well now and have worked out their issues (they got married a few weeks back), and our friendship is still very much intact. We've spoken nearly everyday since I left the states.