Tough transition to the UK

We moved to the UK in March/April when stars aligned and it made sense (husband left job of 6 months, family member took ill, we inherited some money). It was 5 years earlier than we planned and so we hadn't had nearly as much in order as we wanted to have.

So, my British husband and I are struggling a bit. He's working at a job he loves in London. I have been unemployed since April and have fell into depression. Our toddler son easily transitioned here into nursery, but finances as you might imagine are tight under one income and our savings is drained.

Two things in retrospect we wish we had done:
Husband wishes he became a US citizen
I wish I was more open about the move so I could network in advance.
I also wish we considered timing of the move a bit more in terms of the academic school year because even nurseries seem driven by the traditional school calendar for admissions. (We do have a great nursery but it wasn't easy). It would have also given us more time to obtain citizenship for my husband (as we started then abandoned the process when circumstances changed), and to build our savings.

I know transitions are always hard, but these feel like big issues right now.

I would recommend talking with your GP about the depression. Finding a job here is hard, very hard. Being depressed without enough support makes it that much more challenging. I was able to get into talking therapies pretty quickly, so it may not be a terrible wait where you are. Samaritans have a hotline as well and are there if you need someone to talk to.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I would have done so many things differently. But all you can really do is focus on how to change things here and now. Is it possible to keep your little one home more often to save on nursery fees until you have a job? Are there any volunteer opportunities where you are, that could help get that elusive "UK experience" on your resume to help land a job in your field? And keep an eye on meetup.com. It can be an amazing tool for meeting people and career networking. Good luck!

I will second talking to your GP about what is going on. If you are depressed they will be able to offer a prescription that can help as well as help with the process to start talking therapy.

I will say that my talking therapy was less than helpful... It was with someone who had no immigrant experience and got super offended when I said things like 'it feels that Brits are...' and that sort of thing.  It took about 6-8 weeks to start and they offered me talking therapy or CBT, I do wish I had gone for the CBT.

As to jobs... If I had held out for a job in my field, I can say it would have taken much longer than the 6 weeks it took to get my first job here. I was a receptionist at a high end used car dealership. It was minimum wage and it did allow me to get a marketing job 6 months later. Which was the start of my marketing career here.

Thanks, Margo. I will certainly follow up with my GP about next steps. I saw a flyer but you know, haven't followed up. But better to just do it. Husband is only so able to be that person for me and it's better in the hands of a professional!

Keep going back to the citizenship thing because as it turns out my husband's job has him traveling to the US quite a bit (and weirdly his Invisalign was cheaper to continue there than starting here so he goes every quarter). He has a green card but at some point that will get flagged if he's not resident. So of course I'm concerned about that.

Nursery is funny in that you can increase hours easily but it's very hard to decrease hours in a short time period (they typically want 2 months' notice to decrease hours), and then in a catch 22 I may need full time hours again . Everywhere is so packed where we live that I'm not sure I could risk it. So in theory this is a great short term solution but in practice it is hard to do.

I would recommend talking with your GP about the depression. Finding a job here is hard, very hard. Being depressed without enough support makes it that much more challenging. I was able to get into talking therapies pretty quickly, so it may not be a terrible wait where you are. Samaritans have a hotline as well and are there if you need someone to talk to.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I would have done so many things differently. But all you can really do is focus on how to change things here and now. Is it possible to keep your little one home more often to save on nursery fees until you have a job? Are there any volunteer opportunities where you are, that could help get that elusive "UK experience" on your resume to help land a job in your field? And keep an eye on meetup.com. It can be an amazing tool for meeting people and career networking. Good luck!

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Thanks for the feedback on the therapy. It's a very good point. I had a therapist in the US who was experienced in the issues I was facing and it built trust.

I'm a firm believer in that you need a job (any job) to get a job. I have registered with a slew of temp agencies (general and specific to my industry) with little success. I have had two interviews but was considered overqualified for one and lacking experience in another. I'm trying to start my own business but the starting bit - on my own - is the least exciting and most stressful part for me.

I will second talking to your GP about what is going on. If you are depressed they will be able to offer a prescription that can help as well as help with the process to start talking therapy.

I will say that my talking therapy was less than helpful... It was with someone who had no immigrant experience and got super offended when I said things like 'it feels that Brits are...' and that sort of thing.  It took about 6-8 weeks to start and they offered me talking therapy or CBT, I do wish I had gone for the CBT.

As to jobs... If I had held out for a job in my field, I can say it would have taken much longer than the 6 weeks it took to get my first job here. I was a receptionist at a high end used car dealership. It was minimum wage and it did allow me to get a marketing job 6 months later. Which was the start of my marketing career here.

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Thanks for the feedback on the therapy. It's a very good point. I had a therapist in the US who was experienced in the issues I was facing and it built trust.

I'm a firm believer in that you need a job (any job) to get a job. I have registered with a slew of temp agencies (general and specific to my industry) with little success. I have had two interviews but was considered overqualified for one and lacking experience in another. I'm trying to start my own business but the starting bit - on my own - is the least exciting and most stressful part for me.



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They only offered me 6-8 sessions at first, and that was over 2 months. Then after that they revaluate you to see where you're at. It's not something  they want to do long term unless it's needed.

Depending on where you are located, you'll have different options. Mine are pretty much nil since I'm in a town in the Midlands. If you're in a big city, you probably have more options. I have been thinking about going back to them about the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as I know I get stuck in old negative patterns.

My teeny antidepressant prescription has been amazing, Due to some stresses this is the second time I've taken them. It takes me about 2 months to get settled on the prescription (nothing terrible but I had to take it at night at first) and I've been on it 4 months now and I think I'm about back to baseline. So I'll be off it in a month or two. They only believe in long term anti-depressants use of you need it.

And it's so true. It's easier to get a job when you have one. Agencies and be helpful, but I've gotten all my jobs by finding them myself, even if it was ultimately apply through an agency.

Best of luck with starting a business yourself. What are you doing?

I think your depression and other problems are being exacerbated by the natural feelings of culture shock.  Google it, or see my post about the book somewhere on this forum. 

It's totally normal for people living in a different culture to feel exactly the way you do, even at this precise length of time after the move.  And depression is one of the biggest symptoms. It's been scientifically studied and the pattern of feelings has been graphed. 

The good news is that just in the same way it's so predictable that it's going to happen, it's also predictable that those feelings will lesson over time and you will eventually fit in, feel better, and start to get into a normal British life.  There's practical things you can do to lessen the effects, mostly things like exercise, hang out with locals, get involved in local stuff, stop complaining about the way "they" do things here and try to understand why.

Hope this helps

There are some major positives to your husband not getting citizenship. He won't be liable for paying US taxes and won't have to do the onerous and difficult overseas bank account reporting every year.  And if you plan things right, you may be able to use that to your advantage so that you don't have to either.  But that's a matter for a tax professional to advise.  But it could be a major advantage to you.

I'm willing to bet that with a small child, you most likely will live here forever.  As your kid gets wrapped up on school, maybe you have more kids, you become involved in work, school and community, then another international move becomes pretty daunting.  In that case, the reasons for your husband to have US citizenship become less important.  My wife of 20 years is not a US citizen and I've never thought twice about it.

If your husband might possibly be held at the border for too many work trips, that problem belongs to your husband's work.  Let it go, it's not your worry.

There are some major positives to your husband not getting citizenship. He won't be liable for paying US taxes and won't have to do the onerous and difficult overseas bank account reporting every year.  And if you plan things right, you may be able to use that to your advantage so that you don't have to either.  But that's a matter for a tax professional to advise.  But it could be a major advantage to you.

Unless and until he formally surrenders his green card, he is still on the hook for US taxes and reporting.

Unless and until he formally surrenders his green card, he is still on the hook for US taxes and reporting.

Sorry if I got that bit wrong, talk to a professional! OP will have one if she's thinking of starting a business as an American here. 

OP, whatever you do, don't start a business here based only on what UK tax advisors and financial planners tell you. The UK accountants will tell you "I'm not an expert in US tax law, but the US will have nothing to do with your UK limited company from a tax point of view.".   The only part that's correct about that is they are not experts on US tax law.

Sorry if I got that bit wrong, talk to a professional!

You weren't wrong, I was just filling in some detail. 

There are some major positives to your husband not getting citizenship.

I'm willing to bet that with a small child, you most likely will live here forever.  As your kid gets wrapped up on school, maybe you have more kids, you become involved in work, school and community, then another international move becomes pretty daunting.  In that case, the reasons for your husband to have US citizenship become less important.

If your husband might possibly be held at the border for too many work trips, that problem belongs to your husband's work.  Let it go, it's not your worry.

These bits were very helpful for me. Tax issues aside (and they were a major issue for not following through with citizenship) our move was a forever move in the best interests of our child (too many school shootings and a general Hugh standard of UK education). Our thought was that when our son goes off to university that we might retire in the US, but at that point going through the process of perm residency years after he loses his current green card isn't a massive financial concern Vs years of double tax as a US citizen.

Thanks for the reminder that it would be his employers responsibility re entry. I'm very used to looking after our own behinds.



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won't have to do the onerous and difficult overseas bank account reporting every year

Which part do you find onerous and difficult? For me it's mostly copy-paste and then five minutes scanning online bank records. Do you have lots of accounts? I think if you have more than a certain amount the paperwork becomes easier because you just have to give the number of accounts and not the details?

going through the process of perm residency years after he loses his current green card isn't a massive financial concern Vs years of double tax as a US citizen.

There shouldn't be any double tax. On your US return you claim credit for UK taxes paid, and vice versa. Look at the Foreign Earned Income Exclusion (FEIE) for example.

Good advice has already been given. Just wanted to tell you to keep hanging in there! Are you part of any expat meetup groups? I know you mention your husband works in London so you must be in the southern region but not sure where specifically. Might be nice to just get out and talk to other expats in person, if possible. The summer weather we had as well won't help any homesickness either if you're from cape cod. I know I was even missing summers on the cape this year!