A question for the parents about death.....

I'd like to pose a question to you all.

You have an 8 year old son.  His best friend dies (is hit by a school bus, as a side note his poor mother saw her son killed).

1. Do you take him to the funeral for his best friend or do you go yourself.

2. If you did take him, if you walked in and saw it was an open casket, would you walk your son out or stay?  (this was his first time seeing a dead body)

This is a no judgement thread please-i'd just like to hear what others would have done.

My 11 year old son lost one of his best friends very suddenly and unexpectedly to cancer near the beginning of this school year.

He went to the funeral.  Almost all of his classmates went.  I didn't go - I just couldn't bring myself to go because I knew I would not be able to be strong for him.  He went with the mother of another close friend of his.  The woman is a saint...

Anyway - he needed to go.  The school then had a memorial of their own and planted daffodils in the boy's memory.

I do not know if it was open casket.  I do know that my son cried.  And still does if he thinks about it too much.  I believe he had to go to the funeral in order to say goodbye properly.  As a mother, I just knew I personally could not stand there and witness another mother's grief... :\\\'(

WOW. Hard question. I'm not putting a lot of thought into my answer because if I think too hard about it I'll just imagine Philip getting hit by a school bus!  :\\\'( Personally, I'd go with my son. I'd be there with him for support and to answer questions he had, to hold his hand, etc. If it was open casket, I'd let him stay. If he wanted to go up to see his friend and say goodbye I'd let him. I guess... I guess I'd follow HIS lead on it. I'd explain to him what a funeral is (It is when people who loved this person get together to say goodbye and talk about how much we liked having him around, and people talk about how sad they are that they are gone), and ask him if he wanted to go. If yes, I'd take him. And I'd sit by him. If no, then well - that's his choice. And again with the open casket, I'd explain to him what was in it (it is your friend, but he won't be able to talk to you, and it is ok if you are scared and don't want to see him) - - - and then let him make the decision. Follow his lead. Suit the child. I don't think it would be fair for me to impose myself on that kind of situation, you know?  

I have a 7 year old son, I would follow his lead in what he would want to do regarding the question.  I think Ashton would want to attend to say, "Goodbye".  I would attend with him and if he wanted to walk by an open casket we would. 

Me too. If it was me, I'd go to the funeral with him if he wanted to go and if he wanted to see the open casket, I'd let him.   

I don't have kids yet, so I'll have to give a hypothetical answer on this one.

If my child wanted to go to the funeral (which I would attend as well), I would talk to him/her about the concept of a funeral and prepare him/her for the possibility of an open casket and explain that the friend would look very different--like a doll or a wax casting.  If he/she wanted to walk by the casket, that would be fine....but totally up to the child.
 
I think that the age of a child play a role in this.  I think 8 is okay...but if the question involved a child any younger, I wouldn't consider taking the kid to the funeral.  At 8, though, I think the concept of death is pretty understandable as are the concepts of honouring the dead, comforting their family, and saying goodbye.

I agree with posters who say to let the child take the lead.  Everyone deals with tragedy and death differently, it's just as important to show support for your child's way of dealing with it, as each says 'goodbye' in different ways.  But, if my child wished to attend the funeral, I would like to say I would have the strength to go with her.  As most fortunately have not been put in that situation, however, I can't say definitively.

My heart really goes out to the family of that deceased child.

But, if my child wished to attend the funeral, I would like to say I would have the strength to go with her. As most fortunately have not been put in that situation, however, I can't say definitively.

Thank you for that, expat.  Having been the only one who answered so far who HAS been in that situation, I was beginning to feel judged for not being strong enough...

Thank you for that, expat.  Having been the only one who answered so far who HAS been in that situation, I was beginning to feel judged for not being strong enough...

NEVER! and I mean NEVER think like that -- you ARE strong!  and you know it!

My best friend's Mother died when her daughter was 7 - and she didn't know what to do as to letting her go to the services or not.  As it turned out -- she was TOO young and she stayed with me.  We talked about Grandma and stuff -- but she was VERY young.  It really depends on the child.

NEVER! and I mean NEVER think like that -- you ARE strong!  and you know it!

My best friend's Mother died when her daughter was 7 - and she didn't know what to do as to letting her go to the services or not.  As it turned out -- she was TOO young and she stayed with me.  We talked about Grandma and stuff -- but she was VERY young.  It really depends on the child.

Yeah, Peedal.  I certainly wasn't judging you for not attending the funeral!  I think it'd be a terribly difficult situation and it's totally up to you and your child to decide how best to handle it.  You did what was best for you and that's what makes it okay.   

Sorry you felt that way peedal! I certainly wasn't judging you - it is easy enough to guess what one would do in the situation, and at the end of the day what matters is that we do what is best in the given situation - which will always be different - and you always do what is best for your kids. Thinking about it more actually.... I wonder if David would want to go rather than me. Father/son strength thing, and it didn't occur to me that my hurt for the mother might get in the way of the child's goodbye. Knowing me, it probbaly would. 

I'd let the child decide.  As far as me going?  Well, I'd ask my husband to do it first.  I lost my father when I was 10 and didn't go to the funeral.  Since he died, I've never been able to keep it together at them.

If my husband couldn't, then I would go for Niall's sake and try to explain why his mum could turn into a potential basket of tears.

It's such a situation-specific thing.  And so tragic and heart-breaking.  It'd be hard to say, but letting the child lead the way would definitely be in order.

...and it didn't occur to me that my hurt for the mother might get in the way of the child's goodbye. Knowing me, it probbaly would.

That's part of why I just couldn't go.  It was Charles' moment to grieve - it was his emotion to work through, not mine.  And I just knew that I couldn't be what he needed at the funeral.  Afterwards, and since, yes - I can be strong for him when he feels the need to talk and remember his friend.  But right then...children just aren't supposed to die.  Full stop.

children just aren't supposed to die. Full stop.

Amen.  :\\\'(