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Topic: Mommy Guilt  (Read 1136 times)

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Re: Mommy Guilt
« Reply #15 on: September 18, 2018, 01:30:09 PM »
I worked last for an employer in 1997 right before my second child was born because the “mommy guilt” from not spending enough time with his older brother got me bad.

I took my role as a SAHM very seriously. I made sure that I cooked wholesome meals and made healthy snacks, volunteered at the kid’s schools, I only purchased educational toys and I made sure they never went to bed without a story and all that jazz and this was also due to my husband living in Frankfurt for 290 days a year for five years.

One day in May 2001, I just didn’t feel like sitting through another school assembly. The school had them every month so I figured I’d stay home with my infant daughter and enjoy sitting in the cafe instead. It was the day my oldest child had the “lead” in a play at said assembly. Yeah, am I a sh** mother or what?

The oldest is 26 now and he STILL talks about this event and mentions that he looked out into the crowd and I just wasn’t there. He questioned if I actually cared about his schooling and claims I care more for his siblings than him and that bulls***!

You can do everything right and you’ll always feel bad, just don’t. My advice to you is not to worry too much about it all. You are a good mother and things will work out, I promise.

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Re: Mommy Guilt
« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2018, 01:37:52 PM »

This is what I hope she takes away from having a working mother.  That women can be "business men" and do great things as well.  My aunt was always a working mother and my cousin has turned out great.  Hoping I can do the same.

And I will be there for science fairs!  ;D  Though it is impossible to do every little bitty thing.  Of which there seem to be many.

My mom worked 3 jobs to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table while allowing us each an extracurricular + music. I learned to be independent quite young, but she also frequently had to raise the issue to the school that they had too many activities during business hours that single parents simply couldn't be therefor. Sounds like your daughter's school may need similar notices from working families!

I wish she could have been there, but I also appreciate the sacrifice. The only issue I still have is after I left, she made zero effort to keep me included in the family. She married into a huge active step family and I was just getting sick at that time - it was easier to be around them. No adaptation needed, she could wear all her perfumes and cook whatever, and they lived around the corner. When she wanted to take a trip it was to see the grandkids (not my sister). Don't be that parent and I'm sure your kids will be just fine :)

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Re: Mommy Guilt
« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2018, 05:45:37 PM »
Why Mommy guilt and not parent guilt?  Husband can show up for that stuff as well. 

For me, being able to take time off to see my kids and go to a funeral if I need to is the definition of success.

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Re: Mommy Guilt
« Reply #18 on: September 19, 2018, 11:00:19 AM »
I grew up with both working parents and often had to spend time with grandparents or babysitters or (after a certain age) looking out for myself (my siblings are 10+ years older than me so after a certain point, they weren't really hanging around). My mom still feels guilty to this day and says she was such a horrible mother.

I am saying this with the most sincerity in the world: YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER! My mom was not a bad mother. I have great memories from childhood and am (mostly) pretty well adjusted and - actually - I think the fact my mom was so hardworking actually helped foster in my the desire to work hard and be so independent. I have no bad things to say about how she raised me (at least not around her parenting! lol) and no bad or traumatic stories.

You're doing what you have to do for your family as well as yourself and you're killing it girl! You're showing your daughter what it means to be a fiercely independent and successful working women who can have it all (kids/family/house/land-lording/extra-curriculars/gin/everything!) I know it's easy to feel so guilty when she's hurt in the moment but remember that it's just that - in the moment! Kids think more in the "now" and about immediate actions/consequences and then it's (usually) forgotten!

Keep doing you and keep crushing it and try not to be so hard on yourself as you're doing a fantastic job!
My, how time flies....

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Re: Mommy Guilt
« Reply #19 on: September 19, 2018, 12:18:41 PM »
Jimbo, my husband is truly an extraordinary father.  But I do struggle with his perception around work.  He works in an extremely male dominated industry (engineering, and construction at that).  All the guys he works with wives stay home or have simple part time jobs.  While he loves that I'm an empowered board member.  It is tough for him in some ways.  Shame, but it is what it is.  He did leave a bit early yesterday to collect her.  And she was having a BALL.  And no complaints about going back today.  She seems to be making friends already - hallelujah!

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Re: Mommy Guilt
« Reply #20 on: September 19, 2018, 01:00:42 PM »
Kids - they can turn on you quickly.

One minute you are super dad, then along comes some sh*t named Robert. "Robert says...." "Robert says..."
I just hope that more people will ignore the fatalism of the argument that we are beyond repair. We are not beyond repair. We are never beyond repair. - AOC

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Re: Mommy Guilt
« Reply #21 on: October 19, 2018, 09:55:42 AM »
I have a vivid memory of being in 1st grade and we had a science fair during the day. I did a cool project on chlorophyll (always been a nerd and half!)   In the early-mid 80s,  most moms did not work.   But mine did.   I remember feeling very sad that I was the only kid there without parents.  Most were moms, I did remember a token dad or two.
I am sure I gave my Mom 'Mom guilt' then, but as I grew older, I realised how badass my Mom was.You, working in finance, will appreciate this. My Mom was fighting against then very very very male dominated world of Trustee Banking of the 70s and 80s as she fought tooth and nail to be to be recognised and have equal standing. She never got equal pay though, raging raging raging.   I take a lot from my Mom as I work in the extremely male dominated world of engineering.  So, you're giving your daughter something else - you're being badass, working a career, working hard for something, and showing her what you're made of!  [smiley=smitten.gif]

I've not been on the forum in a few months and I'm catching up. This brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for sharing. Definitely something I needed to read this week to keep perspective!
Met 2003
Married 2008
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USA 2010-2017
Moved to the UK July 2017

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