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Topic: Telling family that you are moving  (Read 704 times)

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Telling family that you are moving
« on: October 28, 2018, 02:55:40 AM »
Not sure this is the right place to post this but needed to vent. We haven’t moved to the UK yet, but we are making plans to. I just told my mom that we’re pretty serious about moving, I’ve hinted about it in the last few months and even asked if she would be interested in joining us at some point.  But tonight’s conversation didn’t go so well. She definitely laid on some guilt about having no one, and not relying on anyone to take care of her. And she’s disappointed by the fact that we are considering moving. She’s 75, she was divorced a long time ago and lives alone. I have 2 brothers, we all live in the same state. My oldest brother and his wife have expressed a desire to care for her in her older age, as they have no kids. But I don’t think my mom likes that idea. I think she expects that a daughter should take care of her mother. Problem is in our situation, I’ve had a somewhat rocky relationship with her and she is also dealing with an undiagnosed mental illness. Not to share a long history,  but she rarely wants to get together and she barely sees her grandkids, only if we need a rare babysitting favor. My kids have never had a sleep over at her house and she never offers to take them out. Anyway, there’s just a lot of guilt .But am I supposed to stay in a country and situation that makes me unhappy and not take a new turn in life out of obligation and guilt? Has anyone else been through this? It just makes me so sad
If you made it this far reading my post, I thank you! It was a long one.


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Re: Telling family that you are moving
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2018, 06:56:46 AM »
I think you'll find that a lot of us have gone through similar situations, mom guilt and family guilt in general can be put on pretty strong.

My mom started with 'You're moving there for two years and then moving back right?"

Had to have a convo about how the immigration system works here.

Then moved on to how much my older nephew will miss me. How I won't be there to see them grow up. How my younger nephew won't really know me.  And how much she would miss me.

We had a conversation about how I didnt need her to keep reminding me, as these are things I know and think about. And how she was making me very sad every time she said something in my last 6 weeks before I moved. I was lucky, she really took it to heart and my last week's were good and guilt free.

She still uses my nephew to guilt me, but it happens less often know that she's working full time.
The usual. American girl meets British guy. They fall into like, then into love. Then there was the big decision. The American traveled across the pond to join the Brit. And life was never the same again.


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Re: Telling family that you are moving
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2018, 08:18:19 AM »
Family dynamics can be so difficult to navigate. :( But you know what is right for your family.

I didn't see my mother for years due to a chronic illness of mine that made driving long distance challenging, and pretty much impossible after working all week. She drove by my house to see my sister, never stopped, at least twice a year. When it finally sunk in that I was moving after years of telling her it would happen (I'd applied for the visa) she laid on the guilt thick and tried to spend time with me, which was nice but it was too late.

In your case you already know she has the support of your brothers as she ages, so she will be ok. Don't let her guilt get in the way of spending quality time and making memories with your children before you move if you can. That time matters! Hopefully she will come around sooner than later.

Just a note, unless they change something there is no way to bring a US citizen parent to the UK right now under the current visa rules. They can visit, but they cannot live there.

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Re: Telling family that you are moving
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2018, 08:34:46 AM »
Just a note, unless they change something there is no way to bring a US citizen parent to the UK right now under the current visa rules. They can visit, but they cannot live there.

Technically, there is a visa that allows this. It's called the Elderly Dependant Relative visa, but it's extremely difficult to qualify for and it is rarely granted.

To qualify, you have to be able to show that:
- the parent is completely financially dependant on the UK sponsor
- the parent is also physically dependant on the UK sponsor (they need long-term personal care to carry out day-to-day tasks)
- there are no living relatives in the US who can take care of them
- the parent either has no access to any kind of residential care in the US, or the care available is unaffordable

From the UKVI website:

Quote
E-ECDR.2.4. The applicant or, if the applicant and their partner are the sponsor’s parents or grandparents, the applicant’s partner, must as a result of age, illness or disability require long-term personal care to perform everyday tasks.

E-ECDR.2.5. The applicant or, if the applicant and their partner are the sponsor’s parents or grandparents, the applicant’s partner, must be unable, even with the practical and financial help of the sponsor, to obtain the required level of care in the country where they are living, because-

(a) it is not available and there is no person in that country who can reasonably provide it; or

(b) it is not affordable


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Re: Telling family that you are moving
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2018, 01:41:02 PM »
Technically, there is a visa that allows this. It's called the Elderly Dependant Relative visa, but it's extremely difficult to qualify for and it is rarely granted.

To qualify, you have to be able to show that:
- the parent is completely financially dependant on the UK sponsor
- the parent is also physically dependant on the UK sponsor (they need long-term personal care to carry out day-to-day tasks)
- there are no living relatives in the US who can take care of them
- the parent either has no access to any kind of residential care in the US, or the care available is unaffordable


From the UKVI website:

Mama2 - Bolding is mine, above. With siblings living in the USA, you would be hard-pressed to argue that there was nobody to take care of her.

Don't give in to emotional blackmail. If you do, your life will be a misery. You can't heal someone else's mental illness (regardless of wanting/not wanting to try). For the sake of your kids, if not yourself, you cannot allow her wishes to run your life.  Your mom was not a close part of your life. There's a point where that becomes irreversable. It's sad, and it's a loss, and there may be some mourning, but you have to provide a healthy environment for your kids so that it's not a thing that's perpetuated across the generations. Having a toxic person directly involved with your life will bleed into theirs. It's not healthy. So you really do have to do some damage control, as painful as it is. (I think everyone wants their mom to be a loving, supportive person. It doesn't always work out like that.)


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Re: Telling family that you are moving
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2018, 01:58:50 PM »
Wise words Nan. 


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Re: Telling family that you are moving
« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2018, 05:32:11 PM »


(I think everyone wants their mom to be a loving, supportive person. It doesn't always work out like that.)

Very wise words!

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Re: Telling family that you are moving
« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2018, 07:45:22 PM »
I am so grateful for all your responses, amazing...It's so nice to be understood. Lyonaria and Margo, thank you for sharing your stories with me, I'm sorry that you had to face similar guilt, I guess my feelings are similar to yours Margo in that she's not terribly involved in our lives, and when I have made attempts she doesn't want to. Not to mention years of criticism and negativity towards me (not all the time, but a significant junk, that for the longest time had me always second guessing myself).
Nan, thank you, your incredible words hit the nail on the head for me, I am just coming to terms, in my 40s, with how my mom has mistreated me, I just can't believe it.
I've only been active on this forum for a few weeks, but the support I have received so far has been wonderful, you are all amazing! Thank you  :)


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Re: Telling family that you are moving
« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2018, 08:00:39 PM »
Thank you for the info Ksand24!


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Re: Telling family that you are moving
« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2018, 11:20:19 PM »
Mama-
Don’t feel guilty! I’m actually staying with my mom right now while waiting to apply. I have never been very close to her. Won’t go into the long history of disfunction, but it’s been her actions that have put a wedge between her and me and my kids. She’s a heavy drinker and a mean drunk. When my son was 8 she told him he could never sleep over because he was a horrible boy - exact words! If she wasn’t my mother I probably would have slapped her. Needless to say, neither of my kids wanted much to do with her after that and she never attempted to repair the relationship either. Of course, now that we’re leaving, she’s going on about “why are you going back? I’ll miss the kids so much!”
I refuse to feel guilty. She’s declining in health but refuses help. I look at it this way, I’ll help her however I can while I’m here but then I’m moving on and doing what’s best for my family. I’m absolutely ok with that.


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UK work visa 1998-2001
Married UKC husband 2000
FLR  granted 2001
ILR granted 2002
Moved to Cali 2005
Started from scratch October 2018
New Spouse Visa received 31 December 2018
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