Need Some Urgent Advice/Christmas

So my MIL is really really possessive about Christmas. It's a huge deal to her and it was her turn this year and we had arranged to go. But now, it looks like my Dad's wife will die within a matter of days of cancer.

So I've decided that I will go home to be with my Dad. I really can't afford to take a lot of time off and do both. Meaning, go to the UK after. My in-laws were sympathetic but are pressuring my husband (with caveat that whats most important is my Dad) that they would like to at least see us between the 23rd-25th. And now my husband is thinking of splitting his time, going home with me but going home to possibly spend Christmas with them. Apparently, his brother will be proposing and he wants to meet his girlfriend as well.

I feel bad because 2 years ago my Dad's wife was diagnosed and it was already stage 4 but at the same time, my husband's Nan also had cancer. And while we originally wanted to split our time and spend Christmas with our own families, his parents said we should stay together and we chose to go to my parents. But his Nan ended up passing later that summer and we didn't fly back in time before we left us. So I feel guilty now about keeping him with me with I know he wants to go home. (Btw, we moved from the UK almost 2 years ago and now live in the US) So I've said that he should try and make it home for those couple of days if he wants. But I might need him too.

But we also don't know when exactly she will pass and when the funeral will be. Have any of you dealt with this?

Honestly, I don’t really “get” the obsession with seeing people on December 25th.  Maybe because I worked at a police department for years and often had to have “my” Christmas on a different day.  So I’m probably not the best person to comment...

Personally, I would stick together for your travels but do what works for you guys.  It is 100% okay to spend this year with your dad and stepmom. 

In those circumstances, I'd split up. Let him go do the family thing in the UK and you be there to support your dad.

Thanks for the replies so far. Does anyone else feel though that it's a bit rude to even put pressure on us to come? Or am I wrong about that? If someone told me there was a death in the family, or nearing it, I personally would never dream of saying "can you still make it though? lots of preparations have been made." which is what they said. I would have said "come see us when you can" Or am I wrong here?

Maybe something is lost in translation?

I would NEVER say 'so many preparations have been made' or anything else along those lines. I'd say something more like 'This must be a terribly trying time for you. Please let us know if there is any way we can be of help. We'd love to have you with us for the holidays, but absolutely understand what you need to do. Please take our love with you."

@Nan D. I am hearing it from my husband but he brought up that phrase several times so thats why I think it was said and now his reason for feeling pressured into going. He even said "we need to be flexible with their plans too because lots of efforts has been made to get everyone in the same place. etc."  (we made our own plans and bought plane tickets there so its not that they bought our tickets or anything)

They have sent their love and well wishes. I do feel bad as its hard for them to have their son far away but cmon....

Thanks for the replies so far. Does anyone else feel though that it's a bit rude to even put pressure on us to come? Or am I wrong about that? If someone told me there was a death in the family, or nearing it, I personally would never dream of saying "can you still make it though? lots of preparations have been made." which is what they said. I would have said "come see us when you can" Or am I wrong here?

Absolutely!  Are they paying for your plane tickets?  If not, sorry that they ordered a turkey and put up a tree.

Do you have plans for a trip to the UK in 2019?  If so, I’d just say you’ll see them then when you’ll be able to enjoy the visit and not be flying all over the world to squeeze everyone in. 

What does your husband want to do?

@KFdancer Exactly! What preparations aside from the usual and sorry my step mom's illness cramped your plans :/ and no , they did not buy our tickets

At first he all totally on board to do whatever I wanted. But after speaking with them, his tone changed. He still says it's up to me, but now I am feeling pressure and guilt. I think he now whats to try and spend Christmas with them but also fly back to be with us outside the 23-25th. But if I said I wanted him with me at any certain point, he would be there. If he really wants to go and see his family, I won't stop him but I don't know how I'd feel about it. It's a hard one. I know he has commitments to both of us. But I think it was just not right of them to even ask....

Having family in two countries is so difficult and family pressures, especially around the holidays are the worst. 
I am sure your MIL was definitely looking forward to seeing you both and had built everything up in her head. Of course, it leads to disappointment when things don't work and we're not always the best at letting go (human nature). 

Still, Christmas, it's one time of the year.  There are other times of the year. If you can afford to and change your plane tickets, it may be an option to go next year -make up for the holidays. Or as Larabee says, to split up? 

Life is too short and there are painful jogs of this as we go through life. Hard not to let pressures of other people stray your heart from where you know you need to be. 

Good luck!

This is INCREDIBLY difficult (and I am so sorry you're having to deal with this).

I agree that it's rude for them to be putting this pressure on you (and totally against the holiday spirit) but I would give them the benefit of the doubt in case things got mistranslated or came out differently to how they meant it - more so given they are telling you that your dad is a priority so shows that they aren't completely selfish so may have just expressed their sentiments poorly to your husband?

If I were in your shoes, I would be putting my family first because there will be other holidays to spend with your in-laws. This is a one-off, last chance due to a family emergency and that needs to come first. If I were in your husband's shoes, I would want to be there to support you. The one compromise he could make would be to fly out with you and be there for you and then fly back to see his own family/meet brothers potential fiance/etc. I know it's more money and less convenient but it's the one way to compromise (however, I don't think you should feel pressured to do the same by any means).

It's going to be rocky no matter what you choose to do so it's important to just follow your instincts and do what will work best for yourself. You can fix the situation with your in-laws after the fact. Is there an option for you to have something in the new year where they all come to see you? You can have some sort of open house to "make up for" not being there at Christmas as expected (though you shouldn't feel you have to).

Thanks to everyone for the replies. It's been super helpful as not many people understand a long distance family. I have found out more info. And now we know more of what we want to do.

MIL was way worse to my husband than he let on before. Saying below the belt things that I won't repeat here. But FIL was the voice of reason and told my husband I'm his priority and he also talked MIL down and she changed her tune too.

I also realized that us flying everywhere was ridiculous. We shouldn't have to jet around and I was stressing myself out trying to please everyone. But I was there for my husband when his Nan passed away and I thought why should I feel guilty expecting the same of him. And he agreed and after talking it out with more people, we both realized some people will be unhappy either way. But what we couldn't live with is not being there for my Dad. So that's it. We will both be with my Dad and visit the UK as soon as we can.

Thanks again!

I'm glad you got it sorted.

My husband said his mom sent him a nasty text last week but he won't let me read it or tell me what it said.  Said me being mad at his mom won't help.   

@KFdancer A bit unfair of him to tell you it exist and not show you! do u think it was about u specifically?

I'm surprised my husband told me. But I think he wanted me to have context as to what he was dealing with so it did help me understand. But also found out that MIL holds it against us for not coming to his Nan's last Christmas, which I mentioned at the start   I already beat myself up about that enough. Im sure this will be another chapter in her narrative about me being evil but that's her problem

You can't control what other people think, you can only control how you feel about it.

You can't control what other people think, you can only control how you feel about it.

Completely agree. My husband had to cut ties with his parents just a few weeks before we got married. His mom went full crazy when we got engaged. She kept accusing me that I was using him for holidays in England. She thought I was marrying him to then divorce him and keep his house and money. I felt absolutely devastated. No one from his family or friends went to our wedding (in FL). He literally got in a plane by himself to fly to FL for his wedding. He knew a few of my friends and family at least, but he met most of my family and friends at his own wedding. My friends felt so bad about the situation, all the girls wore fascinators and all the guys top hats to make it a bit more "familiar" for him. When I moved to England, I didn't have anyone. No family or support network. It's when I needed them most... Anyway, I'm digressing. I felt terrible for a couple years about it but now even he says he doesn't miss them. We've been together 6 years, married for 5 and zero communication with them. We pretty much had to stop caring. Plus we have some kickass friends over here now!

The positive is that I never have to worry about my MIL being ridiculous and setting expectations. We just know we're always going to spend Christmas alone, with friends, or with my family.

I'm glad OPs FIL saved the situation. Your partner should always be your priority.

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