Need Some Urgent Advice/Christmas

That's a great story exrose.  I bet you've missed a lot of drama, hassle and bad vibes by cutting them loose. 

That's a great story exrose.  I bet you've missed a lot of drama, hassle and bad vibes by cutting them loose.

We've definitely saved ourselves from an unimaginable amount of drama. My husband has always said he feels free now!

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He knew a few of my friends and family at least, but he met most of my family and friends at his own wedding.

Was the same with my husband actually. His mum, dad, sister + her partner, and 2 brothers without their partners/kids (because of how much the flights cost) were the only family there from his side and he didn't invite his friends because he knew how expensive the flights were so he was mainly surrounded by my family/friends - most of whom he met literally at the wedding.

Hey all, well the situation has blown up and gotten so much worse than I ever imagined. My dads wife is still alive but is still actively dying. We confirmed with my in laws today that we wouldn’t be coming and they hit the roof. Telling us we were “out of order” and “this is the wrong decision” they think that since it’s my dads wife and they haven’t been married long (5 years) that “what do I think I’m gaining” by going over there and missing Christmas. Now I feel incredible pressure. I thought this would be the natural response, when someone dies, you go and support them. Am I in the wrong? None of his family seems to get it. They know I don’t exactly care for them (I wonder why) and think this is me just trying to spite them. I’m not wrong to want to skip them and be there for my dad right? Now I can’t even believe I’m questioning this. Husband is mad with them too and screamed at them. I’m just worried and it feels like there’s no going back

I'm so sorry you've been put in this position! I think they are being very unreasonable. You supporting your father who is losing someone he cares deeply about at the holidays is what I'd expect anyone in a similar situation to do. Your family is in my thoughts, I'm so sorry she's deteriorating quickly. Big hugs!



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Hey all, well the situation has blown up and gotten so much worse than I ever imagined. My dads wife is still alive but is still actively dying. We confirmed with my in laws today that we wouldn’t be coming and they hit the roof. Telling us we were “out of order” and “this is the wrong decision” they think that since it’s my dads wife and they haven’t been married long (5 years) that “what do I think I’m gaining” by going over there and missing Christmas. Now I feel incredible pressure. I thought this would be the natural response, when someone dies, you go and support them. Am I in the wrong? None of his family seems to get it. They know I don’t exactly care for them (I wonder why) and think this is me just trying to spite them. I’m not wrong to want to skip them and be there for my dad right? Now I can’t even believe I’m questioning this. Husband is mad with them too and screamed at them. I’m just worried and it feels like there’s no going back

My heart broke reading this.  I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this sort of pressure during what must already be such an overwhelming time.

My honest advice? F*** 'em.

They will have another Christmas to see you and your husband.  You will, most likely, not have another opportunity to support your father during this difficult and emotional time.  And I think this is definitely an occasion where it is warranted to be a bit selfish (though I think 'selfish' is a bit of a stretch) and do what you need to do to be there for your family.

I also agree with what Jimbo said above - they are going to think/feel however it is they will think/feel, and there's nothing you can do about that.  At the end of the day, you only have control over how you react to everything, so it's best to just let them do whatever it is they feel they need to do, and you focus on taking care of yourself.

Big hugs.  I'm sure you're handling everything as best you can!

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Agree completely with what Heyjay and Margo have said. At this point, you just need to block out the noise they are creating for the time being, be there for your dad, and worry about this mess of their own design after the fact. Also, you catch more flies with honey so I imagine if they were less angry and more understanding but disappointed, it would've been far more likely your husband would have tried to accommodate them somehow. Instead, they'will now have actually pushed themselves down lower on the priority list by behaving in such an ugly way.

Lalala75,   I'm very sorry to hear about your stepmom.

Well, they sound like selfish assholes.  It's your Dad's wife and she's dying.  Compassion, caring, love, family.... you know, the 'true meaning of Christmas'?  I'm really sorry you're in-laws are like this.  They'll just have to suck it up whilst you go to the US.  And if they can't and treat you like garbage when you get back, well then they're probably not worth trying to forge on with a relationship. 

I'm glad you and your husband are united on this.

How long step-mom has been in the picture is irrelevant.  It's about supporting your DAD, who has known you longer than anyone else.  Big hugs.

Hey all, well the situation has blown up and gotten so much worse than I ever imagined. My dads wife is still alive but is still actively dying. We confirmed with my in laws today that we wouldn’t be coming and they hit the roof. Telling us we were “out of order” and “this is the wrong decision” they think that since it’s my dads wife and they haven’t been married long (5 years) that “what do I think I’m gaining” by going over there and missing Christmas. Now I feel incredible pressure. I thought this would be the natural response, when someone dies, you go and support them. Am I in the wrong? None of his family seems to get it. They know I don’t exactly care for them (I wonder why) and think this is me just trying to spite them. I’m not wrong to want to skip them and be there for my dad right? Now I can’t even believe I’m questioning this. Husband is mad with them too and screamed at them. I’m just worried and it feels like there’s no going back

Who cares how long your dad and his wife have been married?!  She's dying, and he's going to be heartbroken.  How can your inlaws not see that?  You may not be close to his wife, but he is, and he's your dad.  So you go there for him.  I'm so glad your husband is on your side on this.  You go home.  Be there for your dad.

They're being unreasonable and selfish. You and your husband do what you feel is best. So sorry you guys are having to deal with this.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I couldn't believe that they couldn't see this very obvious reaction on our part (someone is dying, we need to be there for them) that it made me question everything. It made me feel like I was insane, which I guess is part of the manipulation. Today, everyone seems to have calmed a bit...but they are still asking us to try and go :/ Me and husband are both going to write back. And I've told husband (and he agrees) that we will not even think about going to visit them at any point until they make it right by US. 

But I can't thank everyone enough again for your replies and thoughts. Everyone has their own investments and histories so it's good to see an outside perspective.

I'm sorry to hear that your dad's wife is dying.  That must be very hard on your father and it's natural for you to want to be there to support him.  Please don't feel guilty for doing what's best for your family.

I know you didn't ask, but for what it's worth, I don't break bad news or confront my in-laws and same for my parents and my husband.  Both sets of our parents are pretty hands off, which is good and bad, but anything which needs confrontation is done by my husband for his parents.  They're less likely to be mad at him than at me.  My mother has a bat-sh*t mother and a bat-sh*t mother-in-law.  I feel for you.

@Larissa It was my husband who broke the news but I could hear what was being said and he told me anyway. And I heard him yelling. However, MIL did message us both apologies. I stupidly wrote back (but very rational and calm, laying out many of the arguments that have been posted here) And her response was to "just look at her point of view" and "my mom died so I know grief" and "I love Christmas and won't apologize for that" so nothing came out of it. She just doesn't understand that we aren't children who bow to her every whim. She expects us to do that and she'll always throw a fit because we won't do that.

The thing is, 2 of her sons live abroad. One very recently moved to Asia and my husband to the US with me. She has 1 son who is married to someone from Europe. So yes, her not getting everyone all together at Christmas happens a lot and this was supposed to be a big deal. But as I told her, life happens and me and my husband do whats right for our family, meaning me and him, first and foremost. I said we decide what is best for our own reality at any given time.

Can't beat "Anything is acceptable in the name of Christmas "