Changing Mindset

I need some help adjusting my mindset and hopefully getting my husband to realize I can adjust. I'm hoping someone of similar mindset coming from US can give me some pointers and reality checks.

Long story short: We may not have the choice of living in the USA, we are fighting for it because we want both countries open to us.

Background/mindset: Grew up in Las Vegas, lived in Phoenix and currently Denver. Husband from Hereford, lived in multiple locales in UK.

Problem: I am comfortable with metro city living. Husband hates big cities in UK (Denver he loves.) I dread living a country-rural life. My husband thinks I will resent having to move to UK and am not accepting that life will be different drastically.

I have visited UK for years now, even before knowing my husband. I love to visit the country. But it's a different game when considering living there.

I hate change, but I can when given time to process it. On vacation, I'm adventurous and spur of the moment. Daily living I need stability.

I have lived a spoiled life to a degree, I call it comfortable. My mom made sure we lived in nice neighborhoods (comfortable middle-income) and I didn't lack for items I wanted growing up. My jobs have been all within admin assistance but for State governments-so paid well and stable.

We are considering NW area no big cities. Decent cost of housing and decent opportunities for jobs.

If anyone can give some insight from metro life to living in small cities in UK would be appreciated. (i.e. Lancaster, Hereford size cities.)

I apologize for the novel length...

I think I would have had an easier time adjusting if I had been used to city life. I'm a suburbs person and everything is so close together here! The NW (like Cumbria) is a lovely area of the country with lots of nature. I don't know much about it though so that's really all I can comment on for the cities so I'll pose a couple general questions for you to think about...

Is your husband financially able to support you for an extended period if you do come to the UK? And are you prepared to potentially start over in your career? A lot of the creature comforts of the US just aren't common here. Houses are smaller, roads are smaller, and things are just different. But there are perks like green surroundings all year round, grocery delivery, and cheap flights to Europe.

I live near Reading in the Thames Valley, in a post war town that's being modernised. I've had a harder time than most due to personal circumstances, and at this point (a little over a year here) my husband agrees if he'd known how difficult it would be on me he wouldn't have asked me to move. But - I am still trying to make it work because it's so expensive to come here that it really wouldn't make sense to give up. Even with my experiences I would still say living in another culture is important and valuable, as is living with the person you love. But also be prepared for some adversity because it is a new country, you will have to work hard to adapt and find a new normal. And the UK isn't always the nicest to foreigners.

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I think I would have had an easier time adjusting if I had been used to city life. I'm a suburbs person and everything is so close together here! The NW (like Cumbria) is a lovely area of the country with lots of nature. I don't know much about it though so that's really all I can comment on for the cities so I'll pose a couple general questions for you to think about...

Is your husband financially able to support you for an extended period if you do come to the UK? And are you prepared to potentially start over in your career? A lot of the creature comforts of the US just aren't common here. Houses are smaller, roads are smaller, and things are just different. But there are perks like green surroundings all year round, grocery delivery, and cheap flights to Europe.

I live near Reading in the Thames Valley, in a post war town that's being modernised. I've had a harder time than most due to personal circumstances, and at this point (a little over a year here) my husband agrees if he'd known how difficult it would be on me he wouldn't have asked me to move. But - I am still trying to make it work because it's so expensive to come here that it really wouldn't make sense to give up. Even with my experiences I would still say living in another culture is important and valuable, as is living with the person you love. But also be prepared for some adversity because it is a new country, you will have to work hard to adapt and find a new normal. And the UK isn't always the nicest to foreigners.

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Financially is not much of a concern, he will do what is needed. He was carer and starts new job tomorrow even to make sure if I have to move over we have the 6 months and income required. If we struggled, we have a safety net of his parents. They are the best MIF/FIL I could ever ask for. They commented they could easily cover a mortgage and housing costs for places we have looked at.

I'm not attached to my job, it's a job. My field is easily applicable to the UK in any office.

Housing I am finding I will have to adjust to, but even moving from Las Vegas to Denver I noticed this if we wanted to buy here (in a range we could afford). So I'm getting my head around that. And noticing I have lots of clutter I want to get rid of now. So spacing I am changing mindset.

I love the green there! As for roads, yes, smaller, but it's a smaller country so I can adjust to that. I've even driven over there years ago (and didn't get into an accident after going around the round-bout 4 times trying to my direction).

I am willing to move to be with my husband. I love UK itself, I just need to get head around vacation stuff I deal with would be my life situation. (Husband still laughs at me for making him a coffee that had cold water. I turned on kettle...just not the plug to the kettle.)

I guess the other things to consider are more lifestyle questions... Do you eat out a lot or are you comfortable making home cooked meals? What do you enjoy in your spare time, and would that be accessible where you'd be moving? And would your city lifestyle fit into the generally slower pace of UK life? I'd say all of it can be adapted, but if you're resistant to change it could be difficult.


But you have at least 6 months to work through this though so I think you are on the right track. I'm sure others more familiar with the places you're asking about can also chime in!

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Been there, done that. I moved here from Denver almost 2 years ago, it was REALLY hard at first....she was working, I was home alone and trying ridiculously to find work. Then one day everything clicked. Jobs came in, I started to adjust. Things here are very different, not bad, but different. I make adjustments all the time, but my whole outlook is getting better one day at a time. I love my wife, and I would move heaven and earth to be with her. She would go to the states and leave her family if I asked it.....I won’t. Love grows best in little houses.


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I’m another that moved here from a Denver (Castle Rock).

I like the UK.  I’m happy here.  But I do miss the Colorado lifestyle.

You’d be fine here.  The ones I worry for are the ones who romanticise life here and think it’ll be all cultured and proper.  Not sloppy drunk adults.  Lol.  But hey, sometimes it’s fun to join in and be one of those sloppy drunk adults.   

I’m another that moved here from a Denver (Castle Rock).

I like the UK.  I’m happy here.  But I do miss the Colorado lifestyle.

You’d be fine here.  The ones I worry for are the ones who romanticise life here and think it’ll be all cultured and proper.  Not sloppy drunk adults.  Lol.  But hey, sometimes it’s fun to join in and be one of those sloppy drunk adults.   

I might be one of those right now! Lol. Yeah it’s not perfect, but nowhere is. Go into it knowing that everywhere has its ups and downs, your life here can be just as satisfying as back in Denver.....just different.


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Thank you everyone.

The slower pace lifestyle is my life now, I just need access to the city subconsciously at least. I'd be happy having a book, wood burning fire and just relaxing. I don't live in the city proper, but more suburbs. But I have access within short drive (US short drive consideration so less than 45-min with traffic).

I do enjoy eating out and husband is the cook, hence why I eat out. (He thinks I would poison him with my cooking...I can't honestly refute that.) So I would be happy eating in more. But hubby did bring up that going out to eat is more expensive there, and I do realize that. I've lived on tight budgets, so I can do so again but also enjoy home cooked meals. (My mother wasn't one to cook much, I received her talents in the kitchen we shall say.)

In my spare time, I spend time on the computer currently, playing games with husband.(How we met.) We want to do more activities, which we do when we are together. I love photography, and love doing that in UK so that would be ideal more so.

What games? If online, the infrastructure here is pretty good, but out in the sticks it can still be a bit iffy in places.

Wiring in houses can be problematic; I've got a cable running straight from the main down through the house. Dangling over doorways and banisters. Looks terrible, but it's better than locking up in a key battle.

You mentioned that your husband is a carer.  I don't pretend to have any specialist knowledge, but from what I read in the papers, care is an outrageously ubderappreciated industry in the UK.  It pays minimum wage for the time they are actually working, and they are expected to drive to 7 different client houses a day on their time.  The end result is they earn less than minimum wage.  This is politely overlooked because otherwise the entire system for caring for the elderly would collapse.  And the only people willing to work in such crappy conditions are foreigners, and the only thing UK society dislikes more than old people is foreigners.  If these people were caring for dogs, that would be a different story.

I am the opposite. I grew up in a rural small town, went to uni in a city and through my 20s lived in cities. I loathed it. I am so not a city person. So moving to the Scottish Highlands has been awesome.  I live in a small village, but the 5-10 year plan is to move even further away from people.  So I can't help you there.
But I will say, the biggest piece of advice is to have a sense of humour. Because if you don't laugh sometimes,  you will just cry.   

But hey, sometimes it’s fun to join in and be one of those sloppy drunk adults.   

Can confirm.... I do this most weekends with my in-laws. :p

The slower pace lifestyle is my life now, I just need access to the city subconsciously at least. I'd be happy having a book, wood burning fire and just relaxing. I don't live in the city proper, but more suburbs. But I have access within short drive (US short drive consideration so less than 45-min with traffic).

Trains and public transports here are pretty good compared to the US (at least around where I'm from). You can get pretty much anywhere by train/bus. my suggestion would be for you to pick somewhere that is close enough by to a train station that can get you to a bigger city relatively quicker/easier. That, and you can make a conscious effort to try to get out to see more of the cities around you and explore on your time off. There's so much greenery but don't let it fool you as sometimes you can live somewhere that looks like you're out in the country, but a 10-15 minute drive can take you to a bigger city/shopping area.

My concern for you would be the driving aspect. If you're used to a short commute now, you might be finding yourself in a much longer commute if you're living more in the country.

Also, you mentioned you're not concerned about your job transferring over. if you don't mind me asking, what type of work do you do?

What games? If online, the infrastructure here is pretty good, but out in the sticks it can still be a bit iffy in places.

Online games. Met my husband through one actually, so he will be sure to have good wiring in place before I arrive no matter the locale.

You mentioned that your husband is a carer. 

My husband is/was carer for parents, but he started new job today for centers that need night shift people. He's happy doing night shifts and they really need them so supply/demand work there. He will make above the minimum income requirements, after that he can switch to whatever he wants after I arrive. I see him working in a warehouse or transport management again, past fields he has been in.

Also, you mentioned you're not concerned about your job transferring over. if you don't mind me asking, what type of work do you do?

I'm an administrative assistant...getting use to being called administrator when reviewing jobs opportunities. I have 15+ years working for two state governments and with executive directors within the state agencies. Upon review of job postings, I qualify for executive assistant. As soon as I get my visa, I would be making phone and email contact with recruiters (I believe temp/staff agencies are called) to try to see if there is interest. I plan on volunteering within a week of arriving if I can find place to get some local references and experience. I've had UK friends and hubby tell me, I won't be looking long. But I also nothing is guaranteed, so I tell hubby plan for at least 6 months of me not working. I also plan to start doing virtual assistant soon, so if its only a little bit of income by the time I move over it's at least something. I've done freelance work in the past so not unfamiliar with the process.

As soon as I get my visa, I would be making phone and email contact with recruiters (I believe temp/staff agencies are called) to try to see if there is interest. I plan on volunteering within a week of arriving if I can find place to get some local references and experience. I've had UK friends and hubby tell me, I won't be looking long. But I also nothing is guaranteed, so I tell hubby plan for at least 6 months of me not working. I also plan to start doing virtual assistant soon, so if its only a little bit of income by the time I move over it's at least something. I've done freelance work in the past so not unfamiliar with the process.

Think this sounds like a very realistic approach/mindset to be honest

I'm an administrative assistant...getting use to being called administrator when reviewing jobs opportunities. I have 15+ years working for two state governments and with executive directors within the state agencies. Upon review of job postings, I qualify for executive assistant. As soon as I get my visa, I would be making phone and email contact with recruiters (I believe temp/staff agencies are called) to try to see if there is interest. I plan on volunteering within a week of arriving if I can find place to get some local references and experience. I've had UK friends and hubby tell me, I won't be looking long. But I also nothing is guaranteed, so I tell hubby plan for at least 6 months of me not working. I also plan to start doing virtual assistant soon, so if its only a little bit of income by the time I move over it's at least something. I've done freelance work in the past so not unfamiliar with the process.

Be aware that competition is stiff. I have 25 years as a mid-level administrator (not an AA) in government/universities. The best I've been offered has been entry level at 1/3 of what I was making when I left the States, and that took almost 8 months to materialize with me beating the bushes. (Due to logistics and the actual amount of duties they expected me to perform for that pay I turned it down.) You may have to take a considerable demotion, and then work your way back up the ladder, unless you have connections. Be sure that if you're doing virtual that it's UK virtual, and not working for a US company that doesn't have a presence here unless you've carefully done the research regarding taxes, employment law, etc.

Not meaning to be discouraging to you, just want you to be ready and understand that you are no longer on the same playing field you were when you were in the States. You have the significant disadvantage of being a foreigner with no UK work experience. Not insurmountable, but it may be a shock.