This has been nagging at me for a few days, and something happened today that brought it up again.
On Monday, I met up with a local Mensan to play backgammon. While we were playing, I noticed a splodge on one of the pieces and thought it was a drop of water (condensation that had dripped from my drink), and tried to wipe it off. Then I said, "Oh, it's a little deformed..." and because this is what I would've done back home with my siblings, or here now with my husband, I grinned and tacked on, "like me!" Because I know how I'm constructed. It's a completely accurate thing to say. I didn't attach any value to it. I just acknowledged the irregularity in the piece and in my shape.
My (slightly older) companion took offense. I was lectured about how I should never say bad things about myself, because "when you think negatively about yourself, it weakens you emotionally... it wears on you." And I said, "But I didn't say anything
good or
bad about myself. It wasn't a value judgement. I made a statement of fact. I am a little deformed." Obviously, that's not
all I am, but in the context of that moment, it was the quality I shared with that backgammon piece, and I said it because
it was funny, gawddammit!Anyway. My point is, a person can say a thing about another person that maybe acknowledges not their best trait and not mean anything negative by it. If you say the word "deformed" is unkind, then
you make it unkind.
You attach negative value to it. If you are calling someone deformed with the intent to be cruel, you are attaching negative value to it, then, too. But when you're merely observing a fact, it is not unkind. It is neutral. It is a statement of fact.
Obviously, there is a time and a place for saying things to/around/or about people. Always make sure you won't embarrass someone or humiliate them, or bring up something that they might want to forget (or that is so painfully obvious that they don't need to be told... I mean, there's no point telling me I'm deformed, because I obviously already know that, so let me go on pretending to the world that I'm
not deformed until/unless
I choose to stop pretending for a moment).
But when you do something nice for a person for whom you feel bad because of one of their traits, that is a kindness, no matter the context. So, what I'm saying is, I happily accept gifts -- especially monetary ones (or silly ones, or tasty ones, or...) -- if you guys feel bad for me. PM me for my Paypal or physical address.
