On death: Brits and Americans (this post is long)

Oh MrsMagpie, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  Sending you huge hugs. 

Thank you so much! I appreciate the much-needed hugs!


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I also wanted to add in about the UK v. USA treatment/reaction... I suspect that there is an element of cultural difference in explaining how you’re being treated by your American and British friends/family. 

Generally speaking, I’ve found that British people are a bit more reserved and tend to keep back.  They take the approach that if you want to reach out, you will.  They don’t want to be perceived as potentially intruding or forcing themselves in your space – especially if you’re in grief and might prefer to be left alone.
 
They view it as rude to jump in without explicit permission or invitation, and think it’s potentially insulting to you.   Along the lines of - if they are overly forward in offering help and sympathy without you initiating it, it comes across as them making a judgement that you aren’t handling things well and they need to step in to assist.  They don’t want to risk making the situation awkward, especially for you.

I think if you invite friends or in-laws over or out for a cuppa, they will likely be a bit more open and receptive to providing public support and sympathy as you've initiated and signalled to them you're okay to breach the subject with them.

I also wanted to add in about the UK v. USA treatment/reaction... I suspect that there is an element of cultural difference in explaining how you’re being treated by your American and British friends/family. 

Generally speaking, I’ve found that British people are a bit more reserved and tend to keep back.  They take the approach that if you want to reach out, you will.  They don’t want to be perceived as potentially intruding or forcing themselves in your space – especially if you’re in grief and might prefer to be left alone.
 
They view it as rude to jump in without explicit permission or invitation, and think it’s potentially insulting to you.   Along the lines of - if they are overly forward in offering help and sympathy without you initiating it, it comes across as them making a judgement that you aren’t handling things well and they need to step in to assist.  They don’t want to risk making the situation awkward, especially for you.

I think if you invite friends or in-laws over or out for a cuppa, they will likely be a bit more open and receptive to providing public support and sympathy as you've initiated and signalled to them you're okay to breach the subject with them.

I think you're right. I think maybe they think they're giving me my space. But all I want is the opposite. Yet on the flip side, I do feel kind of conflicted in going to them and saying that I need anything from them because maybe my asking would make them feel a bit uncomfortable. Ugh. But I also don't want to pretend like I'm A-OK. So weird trying to figure out all of these little cultural idiosyncrasies. A bit exhausting.

I m so sorry that you are not getting the support that you need. It must make you feel very lonely in your grief. I do think that we Brits (and I suppose I should not generalize) find it difficult to communicate on emotional issues. We feel awkward and don’t know what to say and therefore end up not saying anything! I know I grew up in a family where no emotions were ever discussed. When my grandmother died, I was thirteen and had grieved totally alone for the previous three months. I was not allowed to go to the funeral. I guess it was a form of protection? I don’t know!

Having lived in the Caribbean, where the emotional pain of death is much more openly expressed, I recognize a huge difference. I found funerals (and there were plenty!) very traumatic with the screams and hollering that were an essential part of the funeral in particular.

To show the difference too, when my mother died, my father was devastated and did not even want her mention her name. So he came to Guyana a few weeks later and, of course, everyone was giving him their condolences. He could not handle it at all and would say to me afterwards 'they stuck the knife in again'! I had to explain to him they were just showing they cared, which I think he knew,  but the pain was too much. 

I am sure your relatives here do care and feel for you,  but just do not know how to approach the subject. It is sad that we have not evolved to the point of showing we care more openly.

Sending hugs.


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I think you're right. I think maybe they think they're giving me my space. But all I want is the opposite. Yet on the flip side, I do feel kind of conflicted in going to them and saying that I need anything from them because maybe my asking would make them feel a bit uncomfortable. Ugh. But I also don't want to pretend like I'm A-OK. So weird trying to figure out all of these little cultural idiosyncrasies. A bit exhausting.

Hello Mrs Magpie,

Following this up...How are you doing?

I m so sorry that you are not getting the support that you need. It must make you feel very lonely in your grief. I do think that we Brits (and I suppose I should not generalize) find it difficult to communicate on emotional issues. We feel awkward and don’t know what to say and therefore end up not saying anything! I know I grew up in a family where no emotions were ever discussed. When my grandmother died, I was thirteen and had grieved totally alone for the previous three months. I was not allowed to go to the funeral. I guess it was a form of protection? I don’t know!

Having lived in the Caribbean, where the emotional pain of death is much more openly expressed, I recognize a huge difference. I found funerals (and there were plenty!) very traumatic with the screams and hollering that were an essential part of the funeral in particular.

To show the difference too, when my mother died, my father was devastated and did not even want her mention her name. So he came to Guyana a few weeks later and, of course, everyone was giving him their condolences. He could not handle it at all and would say to me afterwards 'they stuck the knife in again'! I had to explain to him they were just showing they cared, which I think he knew,  but the pain was too much. 

I am sure your relatives here do care and feel for you,  but just do not know how to approach the subject. It is sad that we have not evolved to the point of showing we care more openly.

Sending hugs.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I'm so sorry, I somehow missed this... and thank you so much for the encouragement. What you have said makes total sense and I have just put it down to that we all deal with death, loss, and grief in different ways. I am getting through it one day at a time. 

Hello Mrs Magpie,

Following this up...How are you doing?

Thank you for checking in. I am doing well. I have my moments as one would expect. Just had my birthday on 3 April so lots of fun was had then and made for a great distraction. Mostly I just miss my grandma and there's really nothing anyone can do to cure that. But I just make sure I check in with my friends in America and my mom. They help keep me sane. <3