Pressures and Strains of International Marriages...

I don't know where the right place is to put this, so mods, please move it if I've posted in the wrong place.

Once again, UKY seems to be the best place to talk about complexities of international marriages.  I'm trying very hard not to be a bummer, especially this time of year, but maybe because it's this time of year, I'm feeling low.

I'm not looking for responses, but am putting this out here for anybody who might be experiencing the same.

Over the eight years of living in the UK, the pressures and strains of international life has taken a toll on me and my marriage.  Much has to do with the circumstances that were at hand during my time abroad; I tried very hard to keep positive and make the best of things, but I wasn't thick skinned enough to deal with all of the stuff going on in our lives.

DH thought that once we moved back, all of our problems would magically disappear.  While I'm genuinely thrilled to be home, I also feel the weight of eight years of problems.    I've changed, my feelings have changed and I'm now wondering how to deal with things.

I nearly didn't post this, but I did because I have to imagine that others here have felt this way, but feel that there's nobody to talk to...

I think it's really hit me because it's Christmas, and now that I'm home, I'm finishing the process of grieving for both my grandfather and dad, who I lost while abroad, in less than two years apart...

Please, no sympathy.  I'm just venting here because it seems like the logical place to me and I'm hoping that it might help somebody else out there; I felt very isolated at the time, which ultimately put strain on my personal life for which I'm still trying to navigate...

No sympathy, just a question  -  have you sought out any professional help for the two of you to work on these issues?  I ask it, because of course, I am a therapist and always think that someone outside the situation can always help, even if the help isn't exactly in the direction you thought it might go...I encourage most couples to use therapy as a tool, regardless of their situations...whomever I marry will have to get used to that part of my belief system.

Anyway - thanks for sharing.  It must have been tough to do that....and I hope that anyone who also feels the same will not feel so isolated.

Thanks, OneTiger.  I appreciate your thoughts and advice.  I repeated suggested counselling, as long as four or five years ago.  DH wasn't interested.  At the time, he didn't really think there were serious problems.  Personally, I think that he viewed counselling for "the weak".  I don't really know, but it caused more arguments than it was worth.  He did suggest that I go for counselling, though...  I did make an appointment for myself to a counseling firm called Relate, but DH got stuck late at work that day, the appointment was cancelled and I never rescheduled because other things were going on.  The feeling of isolation really made it worse for me.

As such, things kept getting worse and I'm sure you can appreciate, it's complicated and private.  I just thought that my experiences, although I've been vague, might be able to reach somebody.   Holidays can be a hard time of year.

I'm at a crossroads now, and I'll find my way, one way or another. 

If somebody out there does have troubles, I hope they take your advice and are willing to go the counselling route...  Thanks again.

*hugs*
I think it's natural to think a move back to the US would make all the difference. But when some underlying problems still exist, the move itself isn't going to suddenly make everything wonderful again.

You've got some hurt and pain to work through. (I'll clench my teeth real hard and look the other way so that you can hit me for the next thing I'm about to say.)
It takes time.
Pain doesn't leave the booboo just because you put a bandaid on it.

Your husband wants you to be happy, and because it's not coming instantly, he's probably feeling a bit helpless. "We moved, so why aren't you happy now?" I'm afraid the added pressure probably has you feeling a bit overwhelmed, maybe impatient for yourself.

You will heal, that's the best news. The bad news is that it just doesn't seem soon enough.

I keep thinking about Sleepless in Seattle when the Tom Hanks character is talking to the counselor on the phone, "I wake up each day..."

Are you settled back in an area where you know people? Friends you can do girlie things with? If there aren't close friends around to have really deep belly laughs with, I have two things I like to do when I'm feeling particularly low. The first is to go to a movie and sit near the front...the weepeist movie every. Get totally obsorbed, where everything you see and hear is nothing but movie. The other thing I like to do is put on some strong woman music, play it loudly and sing at the top of my lungs (this needs to be done in an otherwise empty house, or around people who are quite forgiving). I suggest Anastacia.

*hugs*
Thanks for sharing. I know you aren't alone.

Hi Lisa, thanks.  Don't worry, I don't hit!  I might rant a bit, but I'd never hit somebody who's being nice and helpful!   

Fortunately, I'm in Chicago, my home, where I have a very strong network of longstanding, good friends and extended family.  Despite the amount of time I was gone, I've been lucky and truly touched at how easy I've been able to pick up with people.  I've got a lot of support here.

Perhaps that's part of the problem.  After years of being totally dependent upon my husband, during which some of these times were extremely trying, I no longer have to rely on him.  And in the mean time, there are a lot of deep scars....
 

How is your husband feeling now he has had to leave his friends & family & familiarity?

My husband is fine about leaving England.  He lived in Chicago for three years from 93-96,  so living here is not something new.  He has a strong business network and many friends through work.  We stayed in England longer than I wanted to because an opportunity came along for him to be involved in a start up business, and he took it.

Will he always feel this way?  I don't know.  That's part of the pressure and strains of international marriages; somebody is always away from their home.  For some people, it's not a problem.  For others it's difficult.

Kellie,

Forgive me if I'm reading too much between the lines, but I have a couple of questions that I think might help you back up and get to the real root of the problem. The first is the toughest.

1. Do you no longer love/are you no longer in love with--your husband?

2. If that's the case, did you think that would change when you moved back to the States, or wouldn't matter as much once you got back?

3. If that's not the case, and you still feel for him as you did when you got married, are you willing to give him an ultimatum about going to couples counseling with you? In other words, if you've felt your marriage could benefit from joint counseling, why have you let him make you alone out to be the one with the problem/who needs counseling?

4. Could part of the problem be a lack of purpose in your life (I often feel that way, even given my work)? Is there something you care about enough to put your energy into?

5. I grieved alone (that is, in a very private, self-torturing way) for a childhood friend whom I'd known for 22 years, whom I subsequently fell in love and got involved with, and who died one night in an accident going to 7-Eleven to get me cigarettes (when I smoked). We'd been to a concert, we'd both had a lot to drink, and I was on crutches due to a broken heel (not related to my deal now). I asked him if it would be okay if I stayed in while he ran to the store. And that was the last time I saw him alive. I've never forgiven myself for that. He took a corner too fast, lost control of his car, and hit a telephone pole. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt, and was thrown from the car. I didn't HAVE to have cigs. He'd mentioned it, and I asked him to go. The next scene was straight from a crime show: two officers knocking on the door, asking me if I knew who he was and whether we were related, my kidding myself that maybe he'd been arrested for reckless driving or DUI (although, deep down, I knew why they were there), and getting the, "No, ma'am, he died in a car accident this morning." His mother, to this day, hates me, and stopped talking to the rest of my family, as well.

I'm sorry--I've gotten completely off track. But my question relates to the story: Do you feel at all guilty about the losses of people you loved while you were away? Do you realize there was nothing you could have done to change what happened? Have you let yourself grieve (onetiger mentioned grief counseling--I wish I'd done that)? Do you feel there was unfinished business between you?

Anyway, I might be talking out of my ass, as my husband would say, but I just wanted you to give these questions some thought. I've found, in my own life, that often, underneath anger, there's sadness, or vice versa.

Suzanne

"I sentence you to be hung by the neck until you cheer up." (quote from a Python skit)

Suzanne, you weren't asking for hugs yourself, but I wanted to give them
*hugs*