How do you keep your children connected to their American grandparents/family?

This has been on my mind lately and is one of the reasons I'm considering not having children, despite wanting them.

I'm an only child to a single parent, my mother - who has struggled with me moving to the UK, but generally been supportive. She's not in a very happy place in her own life at the moment, and I feel insanely guilty about "abandoning" her when I'm her only child.

She's made comments recently and in the past that she doesn't know how she would cope if I had kids abroad, that it would "destroy" her not being close to her only grandchildren, and I believe it. Our family is incredibly tiny but so close, and I've never imagined my mom NOT having a huge role in my future childrens' lives. Not just Skype or yearly visits, but I mean regular Sunday family dinners, sleepovers, the normal grandma stuff.

I have no idea how to handle this, the thought of her being the distant grandma that the kids see once per year kills me to think about. It really puts me off having children at all, because I worry I'd just be consumed by guilt.

How do you guys manage it? It's so hard.

Normally I would keep this to myself, but since you've asked me for my opinion....

I think that if you actually want children and aren't having them because of how your mother feels about it, that's a significantly unhealthy relationship with your mom. In my opinion, that in itself is very abnormal.   I'm also concerned that it doesn't sound like your husband gets much say in the matter and he should be the number 2 decisionmaker.   

I think that your mom saying that it would DESTROY her if you have kids in the UK is overly dramatic.  I'd suggest that you look into counselling to help you get that relationship in context because it seems like it's really causing you pain.   After that problem is addressed, I'd bet that all your other problems as outlined in your other posts will just fade away. 

Sorry if it's a bit harsh, I really do wish you luck in finding a solution. 

I think it would also *destroy* your mother if she knew you felt like this and that her feelings (or what she has said to you) would mean she gets zero grandchildren instead of grandchildren that she sees less often than she would like. She shouldn't be putting this burden on you, and I bet if you called her out on it, she wouldn't even realise what's been happening.

You're an adult. Adulting is HARD. Parenting is HARD. But ultimately, you have to try to do things in life that you would regret less. Would you regret not having your own grandchildren when you are elderly (and your own mother isn't around anymore) because of this?? That way is madness.

It seems you need a frank discussion with her that things she says (if she even really means then and isn't just saying them flippantly or during emotional times) are affecting your life. You have a finite time to have children. Please don't get to 45/50 and regret not having taken the opportunity to because of someone not in your marital relationship and you've then missed that window.

Normally I would keep this to myself, but since you've asked me for my opinion....

I think that if you actually want children and aren't having them because of how your mother feels about it, that's a significantly unhealthy relationship with your mom. In my opinion, that in itself is very abnormal.   I'm also concerned that it doesn't sound like your husband gets much say in the matter and he should be the number 2 decisionmaker.   

I think that your mom saying that it would DESTROY her if you have kids in the UK is overly dramatic.  I'd suggest that you look into counselling to help you get that relationship in context because it seems like it's really causing you pain.   After that problem is addressed, I'd bet that all your other problems as outlined in your other posts will just fade away. 

Sorry if it's a bit harsh, I really do wish you luck in finding a solution.

All of this.  Really spot on advice.