Seriously, how the hell do I open a bank account?

Good luck!

I really struggled to open an account.  It was ages ago, but we finally just had me added to my husband's existing account.  That was by far the easiest.  Getting added to an existing account gave me access to do most of what I needed and wanted and then after a few months when I had a job and could open my own account we changed back to sorting our fiances the way we wanted to.

Reading this thread was like watching a soap on TV... that never showed the final episode!! 
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!? 

Reading this thread was like watching a soap on TV... that never showed the final episode!! 
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!? 

I hate to disappoint, but there was no satisfying plot twist. After several phone calls, 1 meeting and 1 canceled meeting, I have now lived here 6 months with no bank account (or mobile phone) of my own. I have a Transferwise account card which they threatened to close due to me being unable to prove my address but fortunately they have not done so.

I believe all of this is a symptom of systemic xenophobia and classism rampant not just here but in many countries.The "money laundering protection" excuse does not fool me for a minute.

It will have to wait until we move and I am put on one of our bills. They won in the end. 

I would recommend Monzo!  They're really easy to open an account with.  I've been with them for a little over a year and have had no problems. My partner and a couple of friends have accounts with them as well.