Thank you, All, for your imput.
I suppose I mostly just
feel old. Old and tired. Worn. To quote Bilbo, 'thin and stretched, like butter spread across too much bread'. And, as far as my health, it's not been great at the best of times. My mother gave birth to me at the age of 40, and, sometimes, I wonder if a lot of my problems are not due to her having me so late in life. But, that I do not know.
I want to try again. I want to give my husband that which was denied to him for so many years by a very selfish wife who told him that if he ever got her pregnant that she would abort (
~insert obsenity here~), and this was after promising him before they were married that, oh, yes, they would have kids. My husband comes from a large family and has always wanted children of his own. He considers my girls his, but they are so far away - which is a sad enough situation in and of itself - so, it's not like he gets the real experience of being a dad, does it?
Jamie feels it's too soon to try again, 'though. He is afraid of putting me through the same thing again. He is scared.
I am scared, too. But, I am scared of waiting, too.
I guess I am just a mess.
Oh, and in the job that I am presently in, I am already entitled to maternity pay. However, I am looking for another job right now, due to the fact that I am tired of standing and lifting for 9 hours a day (something that isn't helping my health) on top of all the admin duties I oversee (that I don't mind), and the fact that I am only paid minium wage, which I feel is not enough for the amount of work I do. I guess I feel that I am worth more...not exactly a crime.
Anyway...I guess we must take things one day at a time....
