How Long before You Feel at Home?

I've unofficially been here since June/July 2005 (so nearly 2 years) and it still doesn't feel like home. Although I should mention that for the first year, we planned to only be here that year so I never really made an attempt to adjust (then plans changed and we decided to stay longer). It's only in the last year I've realistically been dealing with the adjustment.

See, I guess that's the thing...I wouldn't be comfortable assimilating.  I've made friends, I work here, we have a house that we're working on making the way we want it and I'm settled into living here for a while.  But it's not my home.  It's not camping out, but it is temporary.

And just because I look at living here as temporary and I don't consider it my home doesn't mean that I don't enjoy living here.  There are great things about England. 

I feel similarly. I am trying to settle in... but I can't force myself to feel at home. It will either happen naturally, in it's own time.... or it will never happen at all. It's not like I'm trying to fight it but there is a part of me that thinks no matter how much I try to settle in and adjust (and I am trying), this will never be home. But just because I feel that way does not mean I don't enjoy many things about living here. I'm just grateful that we don't plan to live here permanently.

It's like staying in someone else's home as a guest. Even if it's your best friend's house and no matter how comfortable you are there, it's never going to be YOUR home.

I think it mostly doesn't feel like home to me because the rest of my family are not here. Granted, I could never feel at home in some place without my husband either because he IS my family too. But I just miss the rest of my family so much, England could never be home without them. If they all suddenly moved over here, it would certainly make feeling at home a LOT easier.

I think it mostly doesn't feel like home to me because the rest of my family are not here. Granted, I could never feel at home in some place without my husband either because he IS my family too. But I just miss the rest of my family so much, England could never be home without them. If they all suddenly moved over here, it would certainly make feeling at home a LOT easier.

I know EXACTLY what you mean by this.  If there were one thing that would make the UK feel like home - or, conversely, if there's one thing that will always prevent the UK from feeling like home - it would be the presence (or lack thereof) of my family.

I think it's just a personal choice though. I've chosen not to let go, not to allow myself to call the UK 'home'.

You can have more than one 'home'.  The same way that you can love more than one person. 

I grew up on a farm that has been in my family for over 200 years.  It's home, we have a family cemetery, we've always lived there, my parents are still there.  It's home.  It will always be my home.  But Good Lord, I would never want to live there again.  I'd go flippin' ker-azy.  I barely stay sane when I visit. 
This is my home.  It's where I live, where my family and friends and job and house are.  I feel completely at home here.  I would even pass the 'cricket test'-because I cheer for the UK in the Olympics over the US.  It doesn't mean I'm being disloyal to my US home or that I love my US family less.

I do agree with some of the posters who say that they don't need to assimilate or consider it anything more than temporary.   That's true, you don't.  But it's my very strong opinion that you're not going to be happy, you're going to find things difficult and hard to understand unless you make a very conscious effort to learn how things work/who people are and to not compare every little thing, and to stop looking for what you're used to and make things that are available work for you.

You can have more than one 'home'.  The same way that you can love more than one person. 

I grew up on a farm that has been in my family for over 200 years.  It's home, we have a family cemetery, we've always lived there, my parents are still there.  It's home.  It will always be my home.  But Good Lord, I would never want to live there again.  I'd go flippin' ker-azy.  I barely stay sane when I visit. 

Same here.  My parents' house, the house where I spent the first eighteen years of my life - and that town - will ALWAYS be home - but I will never, ever live there again.  I would lose my mind within ten minutes.  Still doesn't change the fact that it's "home" - but other places have felt like/are starting to feel like home, too, especially now that I'm married.

I do agree with some of the posters who say that they don't need to assimilate or consider it anything more than temporary.   That's true, you don't.  But it's my very strong opinion that you're not going to be happy, you're going to find things difficult and hard to understand unless you make a very conscious effort to learn how things work/who people are and to not compare every little thing, and to stop looking for what you're used to and make things that are available work for you.

Well, yes, I definitely agree that you should make an effort to learn how things work and not compare every little thing - like I said it wouldn't be a different country without the differences!

 

Well, yes, I definitely agree that you should make an effort to learn how things work and not compare every little thing - like I said it wouldn't be a different country without the differences!

 

I guess to me, that's assimilating. 

I learned a long time ago not to compare.  I just get on with it.  I was thinking last night that there are things I would really, really miss if we were to leave the UK, just as there are things I miss from every place we've lived. 

I still feel very at home in my hometown because it is familiar, I speak the same 'language' as the people there (like communicating in shorthand). I miss that a lot.   I would live there in a second if DH could get a job there.  It's a great place to live.   

But my home is here in the UK.  This is where I lay my head every night, where my immediate family is and where I come when I'm going home.   

It's like staying in someone else's home as a guest. Even if it's your best friend's house and no matter how comfortable you are there, it's never going to be YOUR home.

I think it mostly doesn't feel like home to me because the rest of my family are not here. Granted, I could never feel at home in some place without my husband either because he IS my family too. But I just miss the rest of my family so much, England could never be home without them. If they all suddenly moved over here, it would certainly make feeling at home a LOT easier.

I completely agree with this poster. This is what I was trying to say with my earlier post. I don't HATE it here. (I used to, but I've moved past that phase). I'd say that I am content. But that still doesn't make it home. I am extremely close to my parents, who've lived in our same family house back in Illinois for the past 35 years. THAT'S home. My parents house. My room there. I went straight from living in my old room in my parents' house to suddenly being a married woman living in a rented flat with a new husband. Talk about culture shock!

Ultimately, home is where the heart is. And my heart is my family. Yes, I'm content here and I've found plenty of things to enjoy about the UK, many things I prefer. But as the above poster said, it's a bit like visiting a good friend. You enjoy their company, like their house, but it just ain't home.

It took me around two years to get used to the shock of living in a new culture. Around the middle of year three, I started to feel at home...

I've lived here a little over five years. England is my home. Thinking of moving back to the US makes me feel sad and uneasy--I like it here. This is home. When I'm in the US, I talk about going home meaning return to England. When I'm in England, I find I say 'visit the US' or 'go home to the US' when talking about going back for a visit. The only reason for me to go back to the US is to visit family, and to be honest, I prefer them to come here because I can show them England!

Don't get me wrong, I am --and will always feel like-- a foreigner. But I do really love England and my simple little carless life in a tiny flat. I like this scaled back existence on this crowded little island.

oh dear!!! You don't want to hear my answer I'm sure... My mom moved me us over when i was 13, my brother was 7. (she is English, my dad American) My brother moved back when he was 14 and the only reason i haven't moved back yet is Ive got a family to think about first.
Ive been here 10 years as of the 6th of May, and i have never felt at home here. I have always felt like I'm on a really long holiday and that one day ill come home. I can't explain to you why- maybe its where we live and its SO SO different than what I'm used to. I have some fantastic friends and although we are broke a fairly decent life- but our home which we own- isn't home. I don't know if 13 was too late to move over or that because we moved under difficult circumstances that has made the difference. 
I'm currently looking into it at the moment, my daughter and i can walk over there- however my partner is another issue. And i still have to tell my mom... How do i tell my mom who has helped me through so much that- no it isn't her doing that we want to go over there, but that we want a different life than what is on offer here. I'm not saying the grass is greener- it isn't. But as a young family with a mortgage we can't afford to live we don't have enough money to survive on, and as we are so young I'm hoping that we will be pretty resilient in our move. But i know however i tell my mom isn't going to be easy. She will have lost 2 children and 2 buried children to a country she doesn't want to be in.
So i guess my answer is short without the sad sob essay is never...

I am a little late coming to this thread, but thought I would put my 2p (or 2 cents) in...
It amazingly didn't take me all that long... not as long as I thought it would do. The first couple weeks were a bit rough, mainly because I was freaking out about all the trouble it takes to even get your name added to your husbands' bank account here, and things like that... just made me feel like a total outsider... I am nothing because I don't own a house, I didn't have a UK license yet, and didn't have a chip and pin card. That and then we were living with my husband's parents... which they are wonderful, and I love them dearly, but when you have been living in your own space and have 2 kids for the previous 5 years... you need your own space and it got a bit much. As soon as my husband got a great job in an area that was good for us (as we happened to be going to church there already anyway), I very quickly found a place to rent, and so we are in our own space, which helps a lot!!! Another thing that helpped was my church family. I happened to be at a church where there were 2 other American ladies attending, one having been here for like 3 years, and the other also having just moved. It helps to be able to talk about similar experiances, like on here! The next thing that really helpped that I found, is that we live in an area that is actually very muli cultural, and it is the norm to NOT hear a "British/English" accent for the entire time you are in the town centre! I don't get people asking me all the time... "Are you from America?"
Home really is where my husband and children are... If I have them, I am happy. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family in the US terribly, but glad to be away from bits of the situations there (long story). I have been here close to 9 months now... and VERY HAPPY and at HOME.

I have been here for 14 months and to be honest, I do not feel at home at all.  I haven't lived in the US for almost 4 years so it is not homesickeness I feel.  I just don't feel like I fit in at all here.  I don't know anyone here and I only see my inlaws once a month on a good month.  I have no friends and I have no life outside my house.  It took me nearly a year to find a job and when I did get one, it was one I didn't want.  I only took it out of desperatioin because I simply could not bear to be at home anymore.

That said, I am an introvert, it is very difficult for me to make new friends and meet new people.  I don't go out much and when I am not working, I spend my days at home in front of the computer.  I wish I had done things differently but then again, I did what was natural for me.  So, everyone is different as you can see from this thread.  I am currently unemployed again and we are in the process of getting my husband a visa so we can move to the US.  We hope to be back home by October.  I am going back to college there which was another thing I couldn't do here due to the cost. 

I hope everything works out for you.

June

I have to admit - I've moved every 2-4 years since my 18th birthday and each move was to an area where I didn't know a sould, so I'm used to having to make new friends, get used to a new job, etc.  And so moving over here wasn't that big of a deal in comparison to people who may have lived in the same area of the world for their lives until their move here.

My family has also always known that I would be the traveler of the family - while we are close knit in a lot of ways, I was the baby who had no problem going to nursery and loved being with new people.  I'm not totally outgoing, but I try to get over my natural shyness.

My dad's house is my home of my growing up.  It will always be a 'home' for me.  But now that I've been here for 3 years, have had my job for that time and have now gotten married, I feel that this area, London, is my home.  I do have people I hang out with, cause I went out and found a field hockey club to join.  Having a job also helped with the social thing.  I might not have the same closeness of friendship as I did with a few of my friends in the States, it's partially from not taking the time to take that risk.  Now that I feel very settled, it might be time to do that.  But even with 'just' my hubby by my side, this is home.

I've spent a total of almost 14 months in the UK over the last two years (the last 9 consecutively) and I really feel at home here.  The US is also home to me because I grew up there, but I just fit better here- I'm not sure why. The first few months were rough, but I think by about month 6 or 7 I was perfectly at home here.

But 'home' is not just anywhere in the UK- it's Sheffield, the city I lived in for five months when I first came here for study abroad, and the city I've just moved back to after spending the last eight months in Manchester.  This is "my city," and I definitely feel more at home here than I did in Manchester even though I've lived in Manchester longer.

It's totally different for everybody and I think it helps that the culture that I grew up with was very British influenced so I was already familiar with the ways a lot of stuff is done here before I even came to the UK.  I love the US, and I will certainly visit often, but this is my home now