Telling Mom We're Moving : Semi-Vent

You guys make it all sound so reasonable.  The hard part is not reverting back to a childish reactive state when your mother is right in front of you, disapproving and negative as always...it's like I'm instantly 13 again and she's telling me she doesn't like my boyfriend and I need to concentrate on my Math homework.   

You know what... I think this is key. Because she's always had you in a position like that where she's invoked that reaction, that's why she acts this way. She thinks she still has leverage because she's got you in the Disapproving Mom telling 13 year old daughter  what to do and she obeys type position. If you can manage to stand your ground and not go into the emotional side of it like you say, I think you'll be able to reach a good turning point. It'll show her that you're an "adult" and she can't persuade you away from that boyfriend anymore. You're not 13, you're a grown woman. Separating that emotion is hard, but if you try really hard and take deep breaths before you respond, I think you may have success. And then it will be easier later on to put your foot down with her in the future when you need to.

 I think we must have the same mother!  Same stuff here.  But as a mother of a 25-year-old, I also see this from both sides.  I really work not to become my mother.  When my daughter moved to Canada, I helped her pack!

Anyway, my mother has always been a nightmare about such things, but the funny part is, when you think about it, people like this are quite controlling and manipulative.  I mean, a caring mother would want her children to have the best in life, no matter where it leads.  Your mother doesn't want that for you, and mine didn't.  They wanted what they wanted for their own selfish reasons, with no concern for what would make us happy.

So, the last move (okay, not the move to the UK, but the one across the US for grad school before the UK), I literally called her as we were driving out of the state, and left a message: "Hey Mom, I'm moving to Arizona.  We're driving now.  I'll drop a line when I arrive later in the week." 

I think she got the message -- let me live my own life without commentary from you, or I will simply exclude you from any discussions about my plans. 

So, when I got ready to move here, I told her that I'd had a job offer, and would be going in 4 months.  "How wonderful for you, dear!"  When we take control, we teach people how they can and cannot treat us.

I need to learn from you - at the moment my mother is still trying to control my life b/c I am living here before the wedding. She is getting very close to being cut off by me. I don't want anymore to do with her if she treats me this way much longer. It's like last year all over again when I initially moved to the UK, except now it's more permanent b/c we might be buying a house soon. I don't know why she cannot just be happy for me. I guess her selfishness will continue to affect her the rest of her life.

I knew things were getting bad at home when I started to give my mom the finger as I walked away from her and she couldn't see me.  Just like when I was 12.