Telling Mom We're Moving : Semi-Vent

We've just begun this journey of moving to the UK.  I'm still in shock that we might actually be able to do it...probably will be until we have hubby's Brit passport in our hands.  But we're looking at a very quick timeline to wrap things up here (want to be moved by next April, for various reasons, mostly revolving around our son being young enough to adjust more easily) so it's been a lot on my mind and I've wanted to start giving people close to me notice before they see for themselves that we're getting rid of all of our stuff or something.

I'm TERRIFIED to tell my mom.

She's objected to every major life decision I've made so far, from having a baby, to getting married, to moving out of the major city I lived in for awhile.  I happen to think my life's pretty cool; I love my son, I love staying home with him, I looooove being married to my wonderful husband... so I can't help but put a bit more faith in my judgement by now...but anyway...

I brought up the idea of moving to another country, just as a hypothetical, really, in the context of the conversation we were already having.  I used England as the hypothetical country, of course, but really it was smoother than it sounds.   

She had a cow.

She asserted that England's government is just as scary as ours, English schools are no better than ours, and the cost of living in the UK is so ridiculously high that no one there can possibly maintain a remotely similar standard of living to what we "enjoy" here in the US without being a millionaire, and I was a naive dolt for thinking otherwise. 

I have facts, studies, cost comparisons, etc., that convince me that these things are simply not true, or at best a matter or opinion, but still I was bowled over by the vehemence of her response.

I can only imagine how she will respond when we actually tell her that we are moving...I have literally lost sleep over it already.

*sigh*

I don't know what to do, besides clench my teeth and simply inform her that the decision has already been made, and she can just learn to live with it...but I've caught myself thinking already about how long can I get away with leaving it before telling her without feeling terrible. I'd feel cruel informing her that she only has another month with her grandson before i whisk him away across the ocean...but at the same time I want to put off that confrontation as long as possible, especially given this over-the-top negativity.

Am I just being an ass?

She asserted that England's government is just as scary as ours, English schools are no better than ours, and the cost of living in the UK is so ridiculously high that no one there can possibly maintain a remotely similar standard of living to what we "enjoy" here in the US without being a millionaire, and I was a naive dolt for thinking otherwise.

This is less to do with your mom specifically, but...

Why is it that people think the only reason anyone would want to move is because "it's better over there"?  Why can't you just move because you want to, not because things are terrible in your home country and the one you're moving to is better?  There are lots of great things about my home country and lots of great things about living in the UK.  Neither is better or worse to me.  There are pros and cons of both. 

I think you'd better tell your mom, though - better to get it over with so that she can get used to the idea.  I don't think I could keep such a big secret!

I would tell her asap. I know that is letting yourself in for a longer period of time for her to be negative, but as you said your mind is made up, and no amount of temper tantrums from her are going to change a thing. But it would seem better for her to have more time with your son around, and after a good few days after youve told her, and when she sees that you are serious, and nothing she says will change anything, she will value the time that she has left with you so close. She may well have a hissy fit, but im sure she will realize that her acting that way will only encourage you to want to hurry up the process with fewer visits her way in the meantime. If after a good bit of time, she cannot accept this, maybe its worth pointing this viewpoint out?  ie, we have limited time left, and if youre going to just criticize, then we will make fewer visits?
sounds harsh, but as someone who has completely done what youre intending to do, sometimes you have to put your foot down so that your parent can truly understand youre an adult, no less and that you can do what you please with or without their blessing.
best of luck with the situation, it can be hard as she is your mom, I know.

While it's probably best to tell your mom asap, I can totally understand where you are coming from.  I've moved, and while it's been a little easier, I have parents that have similar qualities to what you've mentioned, and there are still sometimes when I need to say things like "that's your life, this is my life..." etc.  This lets my parents know that they only have control over their own life, not mine.  On the otherhand, I haven't been in America for the last two Christmases, so my parents were kind enough to buy us tickets to where they live for Christmas!  I'm way excited, but still, they use this to try to make me feel like they own both dh and I for those two weeks.  I also get the very angry, well, I thought you'd use your holiday time to come see us a little more, while they plan to come visit us and then go over to see the rest of Europe.  I think part of my parents (and I'm definitely not saying this is true for yours) is that they are jealous that I am stepping up to do something with my life that they never would have dared to do.  It may help you handle your mother (I hate that phrase, but I can't think of how else to phrase it) to figure out why she is so resistent to the directions you take in life.  I'm really sorry you are so scared to tell your mom about this, and no matter how you approach it I wish you lots of luck.  Stay strong with her, it's your life, your decision.  I hope it all works out!

I agree with the other posters that have suggested telling your mom sooner rather than later.  She will (hopefully) have time to adjust and come to terms with your decision, and by the time you leave it can be a positive time rather than a very negative one.  If you wait until closer to move time, your mom might thing that you have purposely been hiding this from her, and it will probably make things worse.  From the sounds of it, no she isn't going to be happy, but you are a grown woman with her own family, and you have every right to make this decision. 

Good luck!

I don't know if it matters when you tell her - mine is still just about as bad a year later after I have moved. She makes snide comments when I'm home, she freaks out when I come to visit b/c she wants me to be comfortable and it "stresses her out" and i "wear her out" when I'm home b/c she doesn't know me well at all and has these odd expectations of things.

It's hard to explain other than it probably is an unknown territory for her. Mine says it's b/c she cannot get to me if I need her. Well, I have an almost husband for that now - and if she really wants to she can get here. It's so frustrating and unfortunately I don't see an end in sight.

The best thing I ever did was become financially independent and move here.

I'd tell her sooner than later...you are only making yourself sick over the prospect of telling her. If you tell her you'll so much better even if she takes it bad and freaks out.

Good luck

Yep, I agree with everyone else. When she starts to tell you all the negative things about the move, let her know that this is what is best for your family and even though people are not going to understand your decision of moving, they are just going to have to accept it. Let her know that this is as stressful for you as it is on her and you would appriecate her support. When I told my parents, I told my Dad (the calmer one) first and asked him how I should approach Mom. Yes, they were sad but they understood this was best for my family. Give her time to digest your news. Also offer options: web camera, phone cards and emails etc. Good luck, we have all been in your shoes.

I'd tell her sooner than later...you are only making yourself sick over the prospect of telling her. If you tell her you'll so much better even if she takes it bad and freaks out.

This is what it really comes down to...I know so many of you on here know this kind of dread very very well...

I just need to gather all my courage and get it over with.  But that's so hard to actually do...

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice.  It helps even to be reminded that other people have been there. 

This is what it really comes down to...I know so many of you on here know this kind of dread very very well...

I just need to gather all my courage and get it over with.  But that's so hard to actually do...

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice.  It helps even to be reminded that other people have been there. 

*HUGS* It'll be alright...you'll be happy in the end (with your honey).

I had the opposite end of the stick. My mom figured it out all on her own and even though she knew without me having to tell her she was still upset and has finally come to terms with it after...almost 5 years of Adam and I being together. She knows I'm leaving in a few years but it's only a plane trip away or a phone call away.

I'm sure everything will turn out and she'll realize that if you're happy then she will be happy!...Just give her time she thinks she's losing her baby!! What she doesn't realize is she's gaining a son! 

We've just begun this journey of moving to the UK.  I'm still in shock that we might actually be able to do it...probably will be until we have hubby's Brit passport in our hands.  But we're looking at a very quick timeline to wrap things up here (want to be moved by next April, for various reasons, mostly revolving around our son being young enough to adjust more easily) so it's been a lot on my mind and I've wanted to start giving people close to me notice before they see for themselves that we're getting rid of all of our stuff or something.

I'm TERRIFIED to tell my mom.

She's objected to every major life decision I've made so far, from having a baby, to getting married, to moving out of the major city I lived in for awhile.  I happen to think my life's pretty cool; I love my son, I love staying home with him, I looooove being married to my wonderful husband... so I can't help but put a bit more faith in my judgement by now...but anyway...

I brought up the idea of moving to another country, just as a hypothetical, really, in the context of the conversation we were already having.  I used England as the hypothetical country, of course, but really it was smoother than it sounds.   

She had a cow.

She asserted that England's government is just as scary as ours, English schools are no better than ours, and the cost of living in the UK is so ridiculously high that no one there can possibly maintain a remotely similar standard of living to what we "enjoy" here in the US without being a millionaire, and I was a naive dolt for thinking otherwise. 

I have facts, studies, cost comparisons, etc., that convince me that these things are simply not true, or at best a matter or opinion, but still I was bowled over by the vehemence of her response.

I can only imagine how she will respond when we actually tell her that we are moving...I have literally lost sleep over it already.

*sigh*

I don't know what to do, besides clench my teeth and simply inform her that the decision has already been made, and she can just learn to live with it...but I've caught myself thinking already about how long can I get away with leaving it before telling her without feeling terrible. I'd feel cruel informing her that she only has another month with her grandson before i whisk him away across the ocean...but at the same time I want to put off that confrontation as long as possible, especially given this over-the-top negativity.

Am I just being an ass?

Sorry to quote this entire post, but this is my life completely! We are also trying to wait until next spring to move to make it easier on the kids. This just gives my mom more time to let me know that we are ruining hers and my families lives. We made a move to Florida for three years and have now been back home in Utah for the past five years. Now that we are leaving again, it is hard for her to adjust to the idea that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Now don't get me wrong, it makes me feel bad that she feels this way and that the rest of my family feels this way. But, I am happy in my decision, I just wish they would be too.

Thanks for all the advice so far on this, it has helped me too. 

Cori

Thanks so much for the post to me telling my mom. I wanted to post to you on yours as well. First i have this for you ((((((((((HUGS HUGS))))))))...
Then before i get sentimental id like to make us both laugh for a minute so here...

This was how i felt before i told my mom...  I would have rather died then tell her ! sadly when i did tell her.. she acted as though the world was over  .... Instead the conversation went somthing like this  ... the two of us and she said and i said and WHEW.... it was exhausting...

Now that I have caught your attention...LOL I really want to thank you for your post to me and to let you know that YOU are NOT alone... I really thought before i came to this site that my mom has a monopoly on guilt.. but im begining to think that some of our mothers were actually sorority sisters in college because when reading some of these posts i feel as though i wrote them myself.

What it came down to for me was a sick feeling in the pitt of my stomach. I really really wat to get excited about this and i couldnt. Not telling her was holding me back so i sucked it up and did it.

FACT : no matter when i told her she was going to rip my head off and she did. She was going to guilt me and bring me to my knees and she did and when it was all over I was going to remember my age and pray that I NEVER DO THIS TO MY KIDS!

For me its done now... that fear is over... but i do deal with the snide comments and remarks and dear god it must get old for her but i dont see that it ever will.

I dont like to think that misery loves company but I a so greatful for this group and those who have been there done that and lived LOL.

Let her know.. get it done and then come back... we will be here for you.. when its done...

Where are you moving in the uk?
Kath

Well, maybe our mom's shared a dorm room.  This si what I do and it works well for me:  If I am on a phone conversation and she will not let something that is unpleasant go I give her three very nice warnings and after the third I hang up the phone, or leave the room if in person.  I am nice about it, but you have to be firm with her or else it never ends.

If I am on a phone conversation and she will not let something that is unpleasant go I give her three very nice warnings and after the third I hang up the phone, or leave the room if in person.  I am nice about it, but you have to be firm with her or else it never ends.

I agree with everyone above, and especially with BookGrl's comment about giving three chances.

Although I've never had to tell my parents I would be moving out of the country, I did have to tell them I was moving out of state at a relatively young age. While they were reasonable and told me "it's your life," I still received negative feedback until I moved back home a year later. Now, I get berated about my "failure" in the other state to build my own life, and reminded about how I had to "come crawling back."

But the point is, you do not have to take any of it. If they're going to throw guilt trips on you and pitch fits, then they're not being supportive. This needs to be made clear to them. Personally, I'd go about it this way:

Call your mother, ask her if you can come over for lunch or something.
When you get there, tell her that you need her to sit and listen until you're completely finished before she makes any comments. Make that very clear, and if she interjects at all, hold up your hand and tell her to please wait until you're finished. If she continues to interrupt you, explain that you feel like she isn't respecting you and allowing you to fully explain, and let her know that you may be already about to answer her questions.
Explain that the move is already decided, and nothing she says or does will change that decision at this point. Explain that what your family really needs right now is her love and support, not her negativity.
And lastly, ask her if she has questions. If she asks snarky or meanspirited questions, calmly tell her that her negativity doesn't help you in any way, and feel free to tell her that she's being ridiculous when necessary. Defend yourself, but within reason.

It's really had to do this kind of thing, and everyone here probably has better advice than me, but I think you just have to be extremely firm, and very repeditive. Repeat a million times, if need be, that her negativity is not going to change your mind and only results in you not wanting to spend time with her. Tell her that you need support because it's not going to be easy, but it's already settled. Pound the message in. 

That's just my idea, and even though it sounded like to was trying to tell you what to do, I was just trying to give an example of what I would do to maybe give you some ideas.

It sounds like you may get a confrontation from her, but it still doesn't change the fact that you have to tell her :/

Good luck!!

FACT : no matter when i told her she was going to rip my head off and she did. She was going to guilt me and bring me to my knees and she did and when it was all over I was going to remember my age and pray that I NEVER DO THIS TO MY KIDS!

For me its done now... that fear is over... but i do deal with the snide comments and remarks and dear god it must get old for her but i dont see that it ever will.



Where are you moving in the uk?

Great use of smilies!  That really cracked me up!

You're absolutely right, it is inevitable; no matter how long I put it off, she will blow up when I -do - finally tell her, so it probably is best to get it over.  I don't envy you the snide comments afterwards...I know for sure I'm in for that as well.  I think all of our moms really must have dormed together in college or something.  Hopefully we'll know not to do the same to our kids, at least...

We're moving in the Spring, no later than May.  We're waiting on the budget negotiations to be complete with our roomies over there, and then we will be able to set a date based on our savings.   Job hunting and scouting for living space from across the ocean is so difficult!  We're so lucky to have friends over there who will share a house with us and help us get settled.

Call your mother, ask her if you can come over for lunch or something.
When you get there, tell her that you need her to sit and listen until you're completely finished before she makes any comments. Make that very clear, and if she interjects at all, hold up your hand and tell her to please wait until you're finished. If she continues to interrupt you, explain that you feel like she isn't respecting you and allowing you to fully explain, and let her know that you may be already about to answer her questions.
Explain that the move is already decided, and nothing she says or does will change that decision at this point. Explain that what your family really needs right now is her love and support, not her negativity.
And lastly, ask her if she has questions. If she asks snarky or meanspirited questions, calmly tell her that her negativity doesn't help you in any way, and feel free to tell her that she's being ridiculous when necessary. Defend yourself, but within reason.

  If I am on a phone conversation and she will not let something that is unpleasant go I give her three very nice warnings and after the third I hang up the phone, or leave the room if in person.  I am nice about it, but you have to be firm with her or else it never ends.

You guys make it all sound so reasonable.  The hard part is not reverting back to a childish reactive state when your mother is right in front of you, disapproving and negative as always...it's like I'm instantly 13 again and she's telling me she doesn't like my boyfriend and I need to concentrate on my Math homework.