I dont know what to do...

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this, but here I go... Basically, Tom and I broke up almost a month ago. And it has been like hell.

We started to have constant arguments about everything after his last visit on january. I thought and I'm still thinking it was the distance, i think you all know what I'm talking about. There was a moment when I totally lost the perspective of things, i admit it now, but i couldnt see it then.

The frustration of not being able to do anything to make things different was so big. Sadly, things here in Mexico are not that easy and to make a trasatlantic flight is really really difficult. Especially in my case, as I'm on charge of my family almost completely. To see Tom was the only one making the effort to come and see me and to see I couldnt do the same made me feel so helpless.

Now he doesn't talk to me anymore. I tried to call him on his mobile but he knows its me and he doesnt answer, i've sent emails, i've seen him online and i've tried to talk to him without success. Not even a word, nothing.

I know he still loves me but I also know he is very disappointed and hurted and he is totally right on feeling like that. I see everything so different now, like i finally came out of the dark place where i stayed for a very long time, do you know what i mean?

It's until now that I'm realizing all these things. I can't believe how stupid and childish I was and it breaks my heart to know it's over and once again there's nothing i can do about it. It's a hard and painful way to learn.

It seems he won't talk to me again and the pain is killing me. I love him more than anything in the world, but he is in London and I'm here in Mexico and the only ways I have to contact him are useless. People can change, i've changed, being away from him opened my eyes and made me see things different and I know if we could have a second chance things would be completely different.

I've tried to talk to my family and friends but they all said it wasn't worth it to think about it (literally), when i saw my friends a couple of weeks ago they got angry and started making funny faces cos i was quiet, they said 2 weeks are more than enough to get over it, my best friend said something like I shouldn't give so much importance to something like this because it's a big deal. That it will pass quickly. I feel so lonely and I don't know what to do anymore  :\\\'(


Milú

I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.  We've all been there at one point or another, had our hearts broken by someone we deeply cared about.  I had a bf stop talking to me/taking my calls once and it was very difficult to take.  I guess some people just need to make a clean break in a relationship, and can't deal with all of the closure issues that come with a breakup.

My advice to you is to leave Tom to it.  You've done all that you can, calling, e-mailing, and trying to explain your side of things.  As much as you want for him to listen, if his mind is made up, there's really nothing you can do.  I know that this is difficult to accept, but if he can't even hear you out, is he really worth chasing after? 

Don't beat yourself up over the arguments, either -- if things were completely OK between the two of you, you wouldn't have argued like that.  And if he can't bounce back from an argument, then that is a sign that perhaps things weren't meant to be.  Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is, and I realize that arguments can arise due to communication issues (talking too much/not enough, or meanings being misconstrued when you're IM'ing) but when someone is unforgiving like that, things do just fall apart. 

The thing to do now is take care of yourself, and take the time that you need to get past things.  Don't listen to your friends -- you can't put a time limit on the healing process.  Just do what feels right for you, and when you feel ready to date again, you will.  Treat yourself -- go out for dinner, or buy that pair of shoes you've been wanting.  Do some things that you've been wanting to do, but haven't found the time for. 

Don't sit and second-guess yourself.  Be confident in your convictions, and don't feel bad about speaking your opinions, even if they resulted in an argument.  Life is too short to hold your feelings in, and worry about what others (even loved ones) will think of you for expressing them.

I know it feels like agony now, but the sadness DOES pass.  The best thing for you to do, is just distract yourself with other things so you don't have so much time to think about it.  And don't worry about what Tom is up to, or why he won't take your calls.  He's the one who's lost out. 

Hope you feel better soon!  You're not alone here on the forum 
~Michelle

hummingbird, thank you very much.

I know that this is difficult to accept, but if he can't even hear you out, is he really worth chasing after?

I ask the same thing to myself everyday, I just think I wasn't prepared and I don't know how to deal with things. Last month we were talking about our wedding and now he doesnt even talk to me. Everything is so difficult  :\\\'(

Once again thank you for your very nice words

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I just wanted to say I feel for you and hope things look up for you very soon! 

hummingbird, thank you very much.

I ask the same thing to myself everyday, I just think I wasn't prepared and I don't know how to deal with things. Last month we were talking about our wedding and now he doesnt even talk to me. Everything is so difficult  :\\\'(

Once again thank you for your very nice words

Hey, no worries.  I've been in your shoes myself!  I had a boyfriend go from shopping for an engagement ring with me to not talking about marriage at ALL, to cheating on me, all within about 6 months.  And men accuse women of being indecisive!

For a long time I sat around and thought about what I might've done to initiate this "change" in our relationship, and eventually, I came to the conclusion that it had nothing to do with me.  I still don't know exactly what happened, but I've been able to accept that it happened for a reason, and that I'm a lot better off without him.  The Scottish have a saying that I find very appropriate in this situation: "If it's for you, it will not go by you", and this means that if something is meant to be, it won't pass you by.  I suspect that someday, further down the line, you will look back on this situation with some clarity and realize why your ex fiance was not meant for you.  I know that this has been true for me -- having had a chance to take a step back from the situation I was in, I can now see many reasons why I would not have been happy in that relationship in the long term. 

The other thing I noticed when the relationship ended was that I felt this tremendous sense of RELIEF.  This is because I did not have to worry about a long-distance relationship anymore -- there was no worrying about whether my bf was sad because we couldn't be together, and worrying if he'd break up with me because the situation was too much for him, or because he'd met another girl.  You don't realize it when it's happening, but long-distance relationships are a lot of work, all the talking on the phone, e-mailing, text-messaging, and sending of care packages.  The saving of money for months and months to afford airfare or to have money for going out if your bf is visiting you.  After all that, there is NO way I'd ever get into a long distance relationship again. 

Anyway, don't worry, it gets better!  He is definitely NOT worth losing any sleep over.   Go out and party with your amigas!