My friend just sent this to me and we had a giggle! Not sure if its been posted somewhere else...
Subject: A New Year's Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the
> States of America:
>
> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of
> Your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
> Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
> commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas, which she does not
> fancy. Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
> for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
> to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up
> "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
>
> 1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the
> suffix ise.
> Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> levels. (look up vocabulary).
>
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
> adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
> elimination of -ize.
>
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
> should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
> things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
> we mean.
>
> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
> will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
> conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> understand the British sense of humour.
>
> 9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
> referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
> without risk of further confusion.
>
> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
> dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
> of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
> will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
> to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
> twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of
> nancies).
>
> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a
> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>
> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
> 17. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never
> mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
> season.
>
> Thank you for your co-operation.
>
