Can I rant about my mother who is not being accepting?

Can I rant a moment?

Got married in April.  Am moving in two weeks.  And my mother is having a REALLY hard time adjusting to this.

But she said something the other day that really insulted me and hurt me deeply.

She was telling me about a place they went on a vacation one year (Outer Banks, NC) and how there were so many surfers there.  She said, "There were lots of men.  You should go there and check them out."  I said, "Mom, did you forget I'm a married woman.  Why would I want to check out men?"  She said," Um, well just in case."

Just in case?  I love that she believes in me that much (sarcasm).  She really showed her true colors with that statement and I'm really upset.  She doesn't believe in my relationship with my husband nor does it seem she thinks it will work out.  I talked to my sister about it and she was even shocked.  Denial maybe?

Had to get that off my chest.

~BEG


The move is almost here!

She loves you and she's probably worried she'll never see you again. My own mom went through a phase like that. I guess it's understandable. I don't think any mom wants to think of their daughter moving so far away. She shouldn't be trying to push other guys on you considering you're already married though... that's a bit inconsiderate. Before she met my DF, my own mom kept saying there are plenty of guys much closer to you, so why do you have to do things the hard way and be with a guy from another country? Then she met him in person and realized why I liked him so much... although she was still frequently sad that I was so far away. My whole family was sad.

Does your mom like your husband, or has she even met him? (Sorry, I don't know you very well and I haven't been following your story.) It seems like she's a bit resentful of him for taking you away from her, although you're obviously a grown woman and can make your own decisions. I'm worried my own fiance's older sister is slightly resentful of me for bringing him to the US so far from her (he's 27 for godsake), although it's probably in my head.

I think telling your mom you'll keep in touch regularly will make her feel better (IMing worked for my mom) and tell her you'll visit home as much as possible and that she hasn't lost you as a daughter. Tell her how happy your husband makes you and how you know you'll do just fine.

It sounds like it's her defense mechanism for your moving.  She's also probably upset with your husband because he's taking her daughter so far away from her and making those kinds of comments is her way of dealing with it.  Hopefully once she sees how happy you are when you're with your husband again she'll change her tune.  Good luck to you!

My mom did the same thing for years, this was when we were dating and engaged. Its just that she doesn't want you to leave.

They all do it. We moved 300 miles 2 weeks ago and she knew since Dec we were moving. Every time I brought it up she would change the subject. Now that we are gone, she has gotten a bit better. She just didn't want to lose us and her grandkids. I guess its better then her being happy to "kick" us out of town.

My parents are both pretty bad.  I think my fave so far has been, "Well, when you move back..."  I have to tell them no, we aren't planning to anytime in the future.  They change the subject then.  My mom always tells me that no matter how old I am, I'm still her baby.  It's probably just similar feelings, like everyone else has been saying!  Good luck!   

Part of the problem is that we are neighbors and my mother is WAY too dependent on me to fix things for her, eventhough she and my father have been married some 40 odd years.

She has even told my sister that her husband "will" get a job closer to them and they "will" move closer. My sister gave a resounding NO!

My mom has met my husband before we married, talked to him several times on the phone, likes him and knows how good he treats me, says it's beautiful the way he looks at me. I don't know where the "just in case" is coming from. 

She even said, "when you come back in 3 years"... no, my stepdaughter finishes school in 3 years.  That doesn't mean we are moving back.  She is also having a hard time understanding that we will still communicate.  She's said "I'll never talk to you again."  And lately all the negatives have come out - you'll hate it, people will hate you, your Stepdaughter will cause problems, etc.

Just hard all the way around.

~BEG

My Dad was so upset about my leaving, (and marrying an asian, but that's a whole other story) that he took me to lunch one day, and actually SAID, 'I won't allow you to do this'. I was like hello!!!! I'm 34 and have been away from home for years and years!! Then he changed his tactic and reminded me of how much I liked living in Palm Springs when I had lived there close to them several years ago. THEN, he said, 'Look. Why don't you move back here. (Palm Springs) I'll help you. I'll buy you a house.....you won't have to pay rent anymore. I'll even help you move, pay for the truck and everything.' Needless to say, I've been in England going on four years now, but that offer was just a teeny bit tempting. But not tempting enough. Funny thing, someone at work suggested that I take him up on the offer, then after everything was done, arrange for my hubs to be to come there! I'm evil, but not THAT evil.....

Been there - my mother/stepfather laid on the guilt, tears, whatever you could think of. Sounds like your mother is grasping at straws regarding the surfer men, or maybe she is in denial and it has not sunk in yet that you are in fact married and moving. Some people will never understand the concept of marrying someone and then moving to another country. My family has never traveled, much less move to another state so when I did it they could not believe it.

She will come around eventually, hopefully before you go. Sounds like she just does not want to accept it yet because then she will have to deal with the emotions that come with her daughter moving.

oh you poor thing. You will get more of this in the future, I am sure of it. I made the mistake of telling my mom that my move here was just a year, to do my masters, but i was living with my british bf and the whole purpose of school was to be with him. Now, we are engaged and plan to live here pretty much indefinitely. If life takes us back to the US, so be it, but for now, we are here. It was such a hassle to move here for me, I can only imagine what it's like to take both of us back (wedding presents and all) to the states. Kudos to you Honeybee!  It's not that I don't want to move back, but we would upset his family (whom I really like and they treat me better than my family does) if we move to the US.

My mom still says, when you move back etc... hoping and hoping, but the thing is, we don't really know and we won't move for at least 3-5 yrs. My mom adjusted, but she still makes comments that hurt me and I sometimes rise to them, sometimes I just rant on here or to my brit bf. I usually suggest a book, but this time, I really think I agree with everyone else and she doesn't know how to deal very well.

It was such a hassle to move here for me, I can only imagine what it's like to take both of us back (wedding presents and all) to the states. Kudos to you Honeybee!  It's not that I don't want to move back, but we would upset his family (whom I really like and they treat me better than my family does) if we move to the US.

Thanks pittpanther. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Yep, immigration sucks... not to mention figuring out what to do with all the stuff we somehow accumluated. I think his family was less upset about him leaving because they believe that it's usually the woman who needs to be nearer to her family... although his family has treated me amazingly well too.

Sorry for the hijack!

ETA:  I also told my mom I was only planning to stay to finish my degree to make her feel better, but I secretly wanted to keep my options open too in case I wanted to stay longer. She'd always say "When you move back" too, which would churn my stomach.