Here are a few of Saturday Night Live's "Deep Thoughts". Hope you enjoy.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me, and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.
One thing vampire children are taught is 'don't run with a wooden stake'.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait, it's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo flying in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also you're drunk.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,"Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say,"Sorry, got these two sacks."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger, or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he'd eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in the mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could make beer shoot out of your nose.
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be really quiet, then open a door, and there's your monster, sound asleep.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Here's a good trick: get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it, and say,"Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
