Premarital Counseling?

Molly and I had to have this counseling, about 2 or 3 sessions if i remember correctly.  It was more a chat over coffee about what we both want and where we see our relationship going etc.

I knew the reverand quite well, she is very nice so never really thought anything about it.  She did tell us about this requirement as soon as we asked to be married though, so we had plenty of warning.

I hope you get all your issues sorted out soon.

Simon

What's wrong with a civil service? It's actually quite good. We had one--no mention of religion and no one invaded our privacy.

By the way 'the Reverend' is an honorary prefix, as in the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Vicar, pastor, bishop, or even preacher--those are the job titles. Just a tip.

I think counselling can be a good thing, but like anything, it's how much you put into it.  People who are not interested in it probably shouldn't go, as they might not really get anything out of it.  You have to approach it with an open mind, and a willingness to listen.  Granted, it is a person who does not know you, but I guess I view it as a way to give people tools to discuss and work through possible, and current problems.  I really wanted to try doing some pre-marital counselling with my df because I thought it would be a big change us living together, especially coming from an ldr.  Adjustments must be made, but sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, and having someone there, tracking what we are saying can help us realise what we want.  On top of this change, we'd been through a lot in the past year, both of us.  Df, however, refuses counselling in a "it's good for others but not me" way.  So, we aren't going.  I guess my opinion is counselling can be good, but for US Mancgirl, if you don't want to do it, then don't.  No one should be made to do it if they don't want to.  I'm also really sorry that the reverend pulled that at the last minute.  That part was really rude.  He needed to be up front about that. 

If you want to be married in a church, you'll most likely have to have some pre-marital counseling.

We've been booked to get married at a location other than a church for almost a year now so no worries there. We're getting married at a beautiful old mansion, the ceremony will be in the backyard in front of a garden and the reception will be inside the ballroom, with the cocktail hour in the library and out on the deck.

I guess that's another reason why it bothered me so much - it's not even like I was coming to his church and therefore should play by his rules.

IMO, you're seriously overreacting.  Why wouldn't you want to sit down and talk with your fiance about major issues that arise in every marriage?  If you find there's a serious disagreement, a neutral 3rd party can help you come to some kind of an agreement. 

I pretty much admitted I was overreacted by bursting into tears and fuming about it - that was the result of being over stressed by everything else too. But I'm not about to bend my beliefs for anyone else (except my fiance maybe) and that's that. If you need an explaination why we don't believe in premarital counseling, you can read my second post in this thread, it explains it all. But basically, you're acting as though my fiance and I have never had a serious disagreement... I'm marrying this man and you think we don't know how to work out serious disagreements on our own? We simply feel we don't need a third neutral party to help us work out our problems unless it's a very last resort, can't you respect that? I can respect that other people get something out of it, that's great for them, I just don't want it forced onto me by having someone who doesn't even known me basically telling me I need this counseling when that's MY decision to make.

I've never seen anyone get all bent over counseling before.

It's the principle of the matter, I have nothing against counseling in general.

  If you don't like organized religion or belong to a particular congregation, why do you want a pastor to marry you anyway?

I am not completely anti-religion, I'm marrying a catholic for crying out loud. There are just too many certain things I don't like about certain religions which is why I can't be a part of them, it doesn't mean I'm not a spiritual person.... I want to welcome a spiritual leader to my wedding, I just don't want him to force his ideas onto me.

Hope I've made my position more clear to you

US MancGirl,  every bride is allowed a little mania now and then..  it is a rule!

In then end, although these things are definitely road blocks now to making your wedding exactly what you want, it is only the wedding.  It is the marriage that counts.    You'll find that the details and the things you were upset about now, will be distant (if that!) memories once you have a few years of marriage under your belt. 

But you should have what YOU and your fiance want.  don't let anyone else decide for you.  I let too many people plan my wedding and now I wished I had eloped.  The day was for everyone but us. 

Your plans sound lovely and I really hope it turns out to be everything you want it to be.  Good luck!! 

 

US MancGirl,  every bride is allowed a little mania now and then..  it is a rule!

lol hopefully that was the last of it!

I let too many people plan my wedding and now I wished I had eloped.  The day was for everyone but us. 

There are already times I wished we had eloped lol, I oddly don't like to be the center of attention

Your plans sound lovely and I really hope it turns out to be everything you want it to be.  Good luck!! 

Thanks!

My DH and I also had  to go through a marriage course. It was  basically  asking questions  to see how  we   we  view  certain topics  like  money, family, (mine and his), sexuality, communication styles..  stuff like that.. Looking back now we  really couldn't know  a whole lot  about some  of it before we were actually married,  but  it was  useful to bring up stuff  we hadn't really thought about.. We  also went  on an  engagement retreat weekend and that was  helpful as well.   We realized that had we gotten married  at his church here in England  the priest probably wouldn't  have been  as fussed, but it was in  CA  at my parish,  so  it was  a requirement.  I'm glad we  did it. Not a big deal really.

I guess that's another reason why it bothered me so much - it's not even like I was coming to his church and therefore should play by his rules.

But you're asking him to perform a significant religious ceremony for you.  Therefore you do have to play by his rules.  It's not like he's a plumber or a waiter.  You can't pick and chose which parts of a organized religion you want-you get the whole package.  And maybe he should have laid this out ahead of time, but by my understanding it's pretty standard procedure. 

From the sounds of it, you'd be better suited to having a civil ceremony, anyway.  I had one and it was lovely. 

Never mind.. bowing out of this one.

But you're asking him to perform a significant religious ceremony for you.

Well, no, I'm not asking him anymore lol. It's my relationship, my rules. I just don't feel anyone, especially someone who doesn't even know me, has the right to tell me what my relationship does or does not need. He may be performing an important ceremony for me but that's just the point - it's my ceremony and my relationship, my decision, not his. You don't think it's rude for someone to say "Your marriage is more likely to fail if you don't have this premarital counseling so I can't be a part of your ceremony because I can't take that risk, even though I don't know you or your relationship"? Maybe I'm unsual but I'll never be able to see how that is an acceptable thing to say to someone.

You can't pick and chose which parts of a organized religion you want-you get the whole package.

I'm not picking and choosing what parts of an organized religion I want - that's the very reason why I'm not a member of any religion and never will be. I just thought that especially for my Catholic fiance's sake, that I could bring some spirituality into my ceremony without necessarily bringing in religion because to me, they are often completely different things, spirituality and religion.

Anyways, I can see this starting to go around in circles lol. So I've pretty much said what I have to say about how I feel and I'll leave it at that. Thanks everyone for giving me an outlet 

You don't think it's rude for someone to say "Your marriage is more likely to fail if you don't have this premarital counseling so I can't be a part of your ceremony because I can't take that risk, even though I don't know you or your relationship"? Maybe I'm unsual but I'll never be able to see how that is an acceptable thing to say to someone.

It'd be rude for anyone to say that EXCEPT a pastor.  If he didn't say it, he wouldn't be doing his job.  And he's probably right -- I don't know the statistics, but I'd be willing to bet that couples who undergo comprehensive premarital counselling end up in longer and/or stronger marriages.

I wouldn't take it personally, I think a lot of religions require this, but he should have certainly told you before now.  We had to do it, but we're Catholic so it's definitely required.  Going into it, I dreaded it!!!  I'm not a fan of someone telling me what's right and wrong about birth control, etc., but it honestly had nothing to do with that.  I also thought we'd get lectured for living together before marriage, but we didn't.  We had several sessions, including a 6 hour group class, and it actually turned out really fun.  My fiance and I learned new things about each other and most importantly, found out we were on the same page about 95% of things.  It definitely wasn't what I expected when you think "pre-marriage counseling."

I had a similar experience...also got married in the catholic church (on June 10th). It was interesting but definitely didn't open an new doors for us. I'd say if you can, just go through the counseling if its necessary and have it done with. Like Kristina said it isn't as bad as it seems at first.