Dealing with Death

My fiancee's grandfather passed away just this morning.  Since so many of us here are in LDRs, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?  How am I supposed to deal with not being able to be there (I can't get away from school...) for him, his family, or the funeral?  I feel so terrible that I can't be there for the man I love, as well as not being able to see his grandpa one last time.  I know there's nothing I can really do to make anyone feel better, including myself, but still...

as a nurse who deals with death alot, having taken a course in bereavement, i still feel unqualified to give advise to others.
my only thoughts are to allow the person, your fiancee, to express himself. he probably wants to talk about what made his granddad special, let him talk about the things they did together. be supportive and don't be afraid to express your own feelings of loss if you have memories of him.

it's hard to be so far away, and we all struggle with concerns about the health of elderly family memebers, would we pick up and fly home just for a funeral? i always stress that we all need to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us, and to keep in touch in little ways, notes, photos, etc.

My father just passed away early last month.

I did not go to the funeral; in fact I was told by my mother not to come because she had enough to worry about in terms of dealing with funeral arrangements, finances, etc. that she didn't want to have to worry about me flying on a plane over the Atlantic.

My feeling (and my family's) is that the relationship you had with someone when they were alive is much more important than what happens at their funeral.

In retrospect, with all that was going on around that time regarding terrorist threats/security at airports, it was probably a good thing that I stayed here.

Because I didn't get the chance to go to a funeral and get my thoughts out of the way that way, for the first couple of weeks I would just give myself about 15 to 30 minutes of quiet time in bed every night to just think about things.  That way I could function normally the rest of the day.

My husband spoke to my father a few times on the phone, but has never met him, or anyone else in my family, in person. He did say, after my father died, when he was speaking to my mother that he felt sad when she didn't put my father on to speak to him afterwards, which is what she often did.

Other than that, my husband just gave me hugs. That's really all I needed.

Of course, that's just my experience. Everyone is different.

(To clarify, for those who don't know me, my husband and I are in the UK, my family is in the US).

When dh's mother died last year, we were still a new thing, and there was no question that getting a ticket to the UK was impossible for me.  I'll be honest, it hurt like h*ll for both of us.  I'd have given anything to be here, and really wished I'd have picked up the phone when he'd called at 2 am (my phone was in another room from where I was sleeping).  He was the strong type and held it all in, and I did what I could, talking to him every night.  He went through everything he'd done that day and everything he had to do for the next day.  I'd just listen and let him talk to me.  He led every conversation and we talked about whatever he needed to speak about.  It's very sad for both of us that I never had a chance to meet her.  But, I did what I could, I came here for Christmas to be with him as it was the first holiday he faced without her.  And it wasn't until he came to visit me in March that he really felt okay breaking down about it at all.  It's the worst thing in the world when you know a little part of their world has come apart and you're sitting thousands of miles away.  Somedays I feel like such a horrible person for not being there, but for him, what I did do was helpful for him.  I just tried to be there for him as much as possible. He'd set up when to call, and I'd just listen to him and tried to be as supportive as possible even when it broke my heart to not be there helping and supporting!  Best regards and sympathy!

Thank you all so much.  I have been there for him...I listen and do what I can, even when it breaks my heart to hear him on the phone.  We are still going on ahead with plans for me to visit this Christmas...I haven't been there for Christmastime in 3 years, and this will be my first time back since last summer.

One thing that has really broken my heart is when he asked me if we could leave one seat open at our wedding so his grandfather can still be there