what do you think about prenups?

Ok girls, I need your opinion about prenups.
My df has mentioned the "p" word.
He has an inheritance fund that he inherited from his dad passing away and grandparents. He says he trusts me, but doesn't a prenup in fact mean that he doesn't. He just says he thinks it wouldn't be fair if I decided to leave him to get half of what he's inherited.
Reflecting on it, I think I would feel the same.
I just don't know whether to feel insulted.
Is this a bad sign?
Are prenups just for people who don't trust each other and think they'll split up in the future?

I don't think wanting a prenup means he doesn't trust you, he just wants to protect his assests.  Anything that is aquired after the marriage is not covered by a prenup so, if he strikes it rich(er) after you guys are married then you are entitled to some of that in the event of a divorce.  If it is aquired pre-marriage and you are not after him for the money, then I don't see why it should be a problem.  I agree that it's not fair you get to have half of his inheritance in the event of a divorce.  I would discuss this with him if it makes you feel uncomfortable but I personally don't see anything wrong with it.

June

We're facing this with my family at the minute.  My mom just inherited a lot of money that was part of a family trust.  She wants to be sure the money stays in the family - if she were to die, and my dad got remarried, then died, as it stands now, the money would go that wife and it would no longer be in the family.  We're setting up a trust to make sure that the money is protected.

i don't think that is out of line at all.  My dad would have full use of the money while he is alive but cannot give it away or "will" it to someone else. 

 

I don't think it has anything to do with a lack of trust in you or faith in your relationship.  Unfortunately in these days and times, couples have to look at every possibilty.  If I were in the position, I don't think I would have a problem signing one.  However I would make sure that my best interests were represtented well in the pre-nup as well.  If a divorce would occur, having things pre-set might help during what can only be a very painful time.  

Hopefully you won't ever need to use the pre-nup.  

Assuming you're in the UK, do a little research about pre-nups... there was a previous thread with discussion about how they were just beginning to be recognised in England. There might be very strict rules about how it can be drawn up!

Anyways, no, there's nothing wrong with it, and a little fear for the future is healthy in a divorce-happy climate.

Oddly enough, my husband inherited right before we got married and we were in the same position.  Since it was his money, I told him that it was his call what to do with it.  He decided against a pre-nup, he said he knew that he wanted this to last, and he wanted what was his to be mine.  I never knew dh's mother and so I had many qualms about this money being joint.  I don't even feel right using any of it to buy mutual wants/needs like a house, but dh wants to do use it for this purpose.  Sorry, this has all gone off point, which is, if he had asked me to, I probably would have signed it.  I can totally see the point that it was her money that she left to dh.  I think, that a pre-nup needs to be right in the relationship.  I think the two parties need to discuss the possibility of one as you discuss many itmes of two households coming together.  I know for many people it would be seen as a lack of trust and therefore a deal breaker.  I feel that it is important to be discussed and for both parties to come to a mutual agreement. 

Sorry that was so long-winded!   

On the one hand, I know that if I were getting divorced, the last thing I'd care about was who got what money/goods.  Really...how could I care about money at a time like that?  I know my husband feels the same way. We've both walked away from housesful of stuff, bank accounts, etc. in the dissolution of past relationships, just to see that our ex's were comfortably provided for. No matter what the circumstances, if I'm losing the most important person in my life, I couldn't possibly care less what my bank account looks like.  Neither of us is the sort to be very concerned with material comforts, though...perhaps if material security is important to you, you'd be more likely to see the need for such a thing?

On the other hand, i can understand wanting to provide for a complicated, potentially unforseeable future situation, like the one MrsPink describes.  I can understand the merit in a prenup, and wouldn't see any reason not to sign one if asked. 

But I honestly can't see myself with someone for whom these things would even be a concern.  Partly, admittedly, because I have a track record of being attracted to starving artists.   But partly also because of the whole...materialistic...aspect.

Call me a hopeless romantic. 

In this situation, I think a pre-nup is perfectly valid.  As much as we want to believe that true love will last, statistically, the odds are just about 50/50.  And as much as people may say "I would never DREAM of going after what's his/hers if we were to divorce", oftentimes, the circumstances of the break-up changes and brings out a real nasty side to someone's character.  I can say this, since I've worked within the court system for 20+ years.  Half the time, it's not about the money, it's about making sure that person you once loved SUFFERS.  By the time the court battles are over, the money's in the pockets of the attorneys anyway.

My sister married a very wealthy man.  His father had made bucket loads of money off very wise stock investments and BIL is an only child.  When they were engaged, the parents presented my sister with a pre-nup.  she absolutely refused.  As well, they made their big money while my sister and her fiance were dating so she was around.  It was not "family" money.  I think, in that case, she was right to refuse.

By the way, you do realise pre-nups are not recognised by the courts in the UK?

I didn't realize prenups were not valid in UK. I guess problem solved.
Reflecting on everyone's posts, I think I was just being too sensitive thinking he didn't trust me. I can see his side of the story.
As long as we're married, I'll be happy!

I don't think wanting a prenup means he doesn't trust you, he just wants to protect his assests.

But shouldn't he trust her enough to not feel the need to protect anything from her?

Personally, I just believe that a prenup is everything that a marriage shouldn't be.

I was actually briefly engaged to someone else before and he mentioned a prenup. I broke it off for a number of main reasons (he snooped on me even though I had done nothing wrong, he care more about money and material things than I would have liked, he was a bit of a snob, sometimes selfish, etc) but the prenup was one of them. Fortunately I married someone who never even considered a prenup because he feels about them the same way I do.

Call me a dreamer but whatever the statistics say about divorce rates, maybe part of the reason they are failing is because no one has faith in them to last anymore? If you set out "preparing for the worse" because statistics say there's a good chance it won't last, it feels to me like there's no faith in the marriage.

To me, it's kind of like saying "I have faith in God... but on the off chance that it turns out there is no God, here's my plan..." That's not having 100% faith and trust.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying everyone who gets a prenup will end in divorce and I'm not trying to judge anyone's personal relationship - I'm just saying how I feel about prenups in my relationships and suggesting a possiblity as to one of the many reasons so many marriages are failing these days.

You can call me an inexperienced fool if you want since I've only been married close to 3 months... but that's just how I feel. Maybe partly because my parents have been happily married for 30 years and never had a prenup... and partly because I am proudly a  romantic dreamer. In love, we risk heartbreak all the time... yet we're unwilling to risk financial assets? It's just backwards to me....

Also, as the inheritance was acquired before the marriage, it's unlikely in the event of a divorce the courts would award you much of it anyway.

A decade ago, I would have sided w/everyone who said 'no way' to prenups.  Now, as a parent who may (someday) remarry, I can definitely see the flip side.  While I don't have any assets to protect, if I did, I would certainly ask for a prenup...and I would not automatically be offended at being asked to sign one, depending on the contents.  I think that they can be a good thing for protecting assets for your children.

A decade ago, I would have sided w/everyone who said 'no way' to prenups.  Now, as a parent who may (someday) remarry, I can definitely see the flip side.  While I don't have any assets to protect, if I did, I would certainly ask for a prenup...and I would not automatically be offended at being asked to sign one, depending on the contents.  I think that they can be a good thing for protecting assets for your children.

Likewise, I agree. In fact, if my BF were to propose, I'd offer to sign a prenup. I've been married twice, I don't like the thought that his family could imagine me as some sort of gold digger. I'd like them to feel good about me. Not that I've met them yet, nor have I heard anything like that. I just know that I'd be suspicious if I were them. He's already dealing with a digging ex-slag.