So much

I haven't really been very active on here lately and I hate to just start complaining...but yeah.

As most of you know my sister died on the 14th of last month. We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving because we had buried her on that Monday and thanksgiving was on Thursday. I was upset that we didn't but I completely understood why my mom just couldn't muster up the energy and strength to do it. 

This whole thing has been so hard on my family. I feel like it's brought so many of us closer together and that's an awesome thing but it's also pushed people away. One person in particular is my Nana (grandma). From the time she found out she's made this whole thing about her (that's just what she does with everything).

At the Cemetery before we buried Brit we were all on the golf cart looking for a plot and my grandmother wouldn't shut up. My mom was having a hard time hearing the women speak about prices and such that after 20 Min's of not being able to hear and being so incredibly overcome with frustration and being sad...she yelled at her and told her to shut up. My Nana knew she was in the wrong and promptly apologized.

A few days after that mine and Brit's friend Sara flew in from Minnesota to be with us and she came also to do Brit's makeup. We were meeting my Nana (my dad's mom) down at the funeral home so they could both go in and do Brit's hair and makeup. My mom and myself didn't know it was going to be a gathering of people but that's what it turned out to be. My Nana (my mom's mom) knew that we were going down there and it was only to do Brit's hair and makeup but found out after she called the house and my step dad answered and told her where we were and she found out who all was there. She screamed and yelled at my step dad and cussed him out and when we got home he told my mom. My mom called my Nana back and basically ripped her a new a**hole. My grandmother kept saying we leave her out of everything and that we were purposely excluding her...so on and so forth.

During the funeral she also made a huge spectacle because Sara was sitting on the family row next to my mom and me. Sara is like my mom's other daughter, they are very close and she calls her her kid. When Sara got here those were the first days since Brit's death that I woke up to not hearing my mom sobbing. It was the first time that I heard her laugh and actually like she wasn't just a shell of herself. Anyway, so my grandmother was complaining that Sara was in the family row...and my mom told her she wasn't moving. My Nana's husband got up and walked off somewhere and my Nana had her friend come and sit next to her!! She said since Sara was there that her friend would be there also. My mom talked to the funeral director and he went over to my Nana's friend and told her it was family only and she got up and went to another seat.

My papa (my mom's dad) ran into my Nana before the service started and informed my Nana that he gave my mom $3000.00. My Nana immediately went to my mom saying that he only told her that because he was rubbing it in her face and all this other stuff. My papa didn't tell her because of that reason, he was just letting the mother of his daughter know that he helped out and that everything will be okie.

Anyway, before the funeral actually started they had us line the cars up behind the Hearst. It was our truck, my dad's truck and then it was going to be my Nana's car...well my Nana took to long and the funeral home wanted everyone lined up so my mom told Sara to pull her car behind my dad's. Sara was a little taken back and said no because it was meant to be my Nana's place but my mom demanded she pull the car up. About 20 Min's later my Nana comes into the hall and yells at my mom "WHO'S CAR IS THAT?!?!" and my mom told her it was Sara's and it wasn't moving and she needed to pull her car behind Sara's. She was PISSED and until about 3 days ago we didn't know that during that whole ride she bitched and screamed in her car about it all the way to the cemetery. Then that day also we get to the cemetery she yells at my aunt for sitting in the seats (there was only about 10 seats) and said "THIS IS FOR FAMILY ONLY"...my aunt just looked at her. 

She called my mom EVERYDAY saying "oh I'm having such a bad day"...crying on her cell phone in her car. Telling my mom she's falling apart and how horrible it is. HELLO...My mom is going through much more and doesn't need to pull you out of your misery hole! She'd call about 8-10 times a day. It's been about a week since we've heard from her because the last time she talked to my mom she was yelling at her about my cousin.

My cousin told us that Brit and Max had both been drinking at the bar they went too. We all assumed Brit was drinking because they were at a bar...everyone assumed it. My Nana called and was yelling at my mom saying she hated my cousin for trying to ruin Brit's name and how dare she say such horrible things. It wasn't horrible things, she told her her opinion and what she thought Brit did. They went to a Bar...she assumed she drank. My mom kept saying it wasn't important anymore and that my cousin didn't lie. My cousin and Brit were extremely close. My cousins daughter was Brit's shadow...and on top of dealing with losing her best friend who's also her cousin she has to deal with hearing her baby daughter EVERY SINGLE DAY say "where's my binney, i miss my binney". Anyway, my mom just kept trying to ask her why it was so important to her...why did it matter...it doesn't matter anymore and then all the sudden my Nana says..."WHO THE F*CK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!". My mom hung up the phone and hasn't spoke to her since and that was over a week ago.

Who the f*ck does she think she is? She's the mother of her dead daughter...that's who she is. She's a grieving mother who doesn't need her narcissistic phsyco mother calling her and making her feel worst. My mom's therapist even told her she doesn't need to speak to her mother right now because she's holding my mom back from processing and having a clean and normal grieving process. Those last words she spoke to my mom has forever changed their relationship and mine and hers. I'm not too keen on speaking to her right now.

Anyway, Last night we sat down as a family and discussed what we would be doing on Christmas. We didn't really come to any conclusion because I want to have Christmas and my mom doesn't and my step dad isn't sure. I guess the only reason I want to have Christmas is for some normalcy but I know it won't be normal. I guess in my heart I'm wanting us to have the tree and on Christmas morning me and Brit walk out to see the presents and we all sit down and open presents and make a jack n the box run. I know it isn't going to happen in my head. Infact if I think about it I think that if we did Christmas it would just make me feel worse. Coming out and seeing presents and a tree ...but it be completely different but I still want normal! I dunno what we are going to do. I know we plan on decorating her grave and going down there on Christmas to see her...but from then on i dunno. It's going to be weird waking up on Christmas morning and it just being another day...another day that's not special...another day while everyone else celebrates.

I've also been feeling extreamly guilty about my relationship. I really want to move to England and be with Adam but...I don't know if i can leave my mom now. I feel myself pulling away from him even though I don't want too. I'm scared that if I leave her something will happen to her and I won't be there to help or just be there for her. I'm scared she'll feel like I just abandoned her. I don't want to stop my life ...but I also don't want to upset my mom. I know it's a while away until we even start the process but...it scares me.


I am SO sorry for this long long post. If you read half of this then I applaud you!

Thanks for letting me vent.
Ericka

Seems like your Nana doesnt know how to deal with death.
I would just not worry too much about her, since she seems to be one that likes having attention focused on her. Her actions are tacky, but dont give her the time and energy of your thoughts and feelings....she'll figure it out on her own.

Once again, Im sorry about your loss.

As for your relationship, I would say that right now, youre in a bit of a fuzzy state of mind, so any decisions that you make now, might come out of emotions of the situation that is in front of you. What I mean by this is that your mom WILL get better, she WILL get through this, but you have a life too and that should be respected. Sure....spend time with your mom, but don't throw away a perfectly good relationship is my pt. I really think you should talk with your other half on how you are feeling and really air out everything that is going on in your head.  Adam should be understand to your circumstance....when was the last time you guys saw each other? Just curious.

reeeeka, I'm terribly sorry to hear of all this trouble your mother's going through ON TOP OF losing her daughter.

I hope your Mom distances herself from your Nana for now because it really does sound as if that would be for the best. I'm sure your Nana is having a hard time, too, but she doesn't have the right to deal with her grief in a manner that causes her own daughter so much pain.

I do also hope that you find a way to celebrate Christmas, even if in some small way. You're always going to have a Britney-sized hole in your hearts - but I think it would dishonor her memory for your family to fall apart and not allow yourselves joyful experiences.

As for Adam, just proceed carefully - this could be an experience that could make or break your relationship and, if you WANTS to be there for you, do try to allow him to be. Since moving to England is probably not happening immediately, even if your sister hadn't died, you can just cross that bridge when you come to it.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother's behaviour. Everyone deals with grief differently...and some choose to lash out at other and try to blame everyone for a situation that cannot be blamed on anyone. My grandmother acts kind of like yours, but she has beginning Alzheimer's and/or dementia. It's an awful progression. She acts like I spoiled six year old sometimes instead of a 76 year old lady.

Are you still able to go to grief counselling? I hope your entire family is able to.

Seems like your Nana doesnt know how to deal with death.
I would just not worry too much about her, since she seems to be one that likes having attention focused on her. Her actions are tacky, but dont give her the time and energy of your thoughts and feelings....she'll figure it out on her own.

Once again, Im sorry about your loss.

As for your relationship, I would say that right now, youre in a bit of a fuzzy state of mind, so any decisions that you make now, might come out of emotions of the situation that is in front of you. What I mean by this is that your mom WILL get better, she WILL get through this, but you have a life too and that should be respected. Sure....spend time with your mom, but don't throw away a perfectly good relationship is my pt. I really think you should talk with your other half on how you are feeling and really air out everything that is going on in your head.  Adam should be understand to your circumstance....when was the last time you guys saw each other? Just curious.

See the thing is she's a psychologist...she should know how to handle death and her own feelings. She should know that everything she's done and said has been extreamly harmful not just to her but also to us, especially my mother. She had the audacity to compare her greif to my mom's and when I told her it wasn't even close she said that mine and hers were the same...I think not. We've learned to just deal with her being her and her selfish celf centeredness and let her do it but that day and this time is just not the time nor the place to be herself...I know that sounds mean but she really should know better.

I know, I'm not making any rash decisions. I'm just scared to leave my mom...but that's over a year away so who knows when the time comes how I'll feel.  He hasn't really been very supportive. He's not being mean or anything it's just he's not sure what to say to me. He's never dealt with death, infact I don't think he's ever had or known someone that's died. I was actually talking to my mom about this today. I don't think he's ever been to a cemetary...or a funeral for that matter. He's just not sure what to say to me to make it better and theres' obviously nothing he can say. We last saw one another in May, I miss him alot..

reeeeka, I'm terribly sorry to hear of all this trouble your mother's going through ON TOP OF losing her daughter.

I hope your Mom distances herself from your Nana for now because it really does sound as if that would be for the best. I'm sure your Nana is having a hard time, too, but she doesn't have the right to deal with her grief in a manner that causes her own daughter so much pain.

I do also hope that you find a way to celebrate Christmas, even if in some small way. You're always going to have a Britney-sized hole in your hearts - but I think it would dishonor her memory for your family to fall apart and not allow yourselves joyful experiences.

As for Adam, just proceed carefully - this could be an experience that could make or break your relationship and, if you WANTS to be there for you, do try to allow him to be. Since moving to England is probably not happening immediately, even if your sister hadn't died, you can just cross that bridge when you come to it.

Thank you.

She has and I don't see her talking to her for a very long time. Those words have forever changed their relationship and not for the better. My mom deserves a very heartfelt apology but my grandmother doesn't see what she's done wrong so I doubt she'll get one...atleast not anytime soon.

I really wish and hope that we don't stop celebrating. I think that's one of my fears...you know like that saying "christmas has been cancelled" from some movie. I just hope that since this one isn't going to happen that the others from here on out won't be stopped. It was one of Brit's favorite holidays which is one of the reasons my mom agreed to decorate her grave. We got those giant candycanes for around the grave, balls and tinsle and were gonna buy a tree and tons of poynsettias. It's gonna look beautiful and she'd love it alot...

As for Adam, just proceed carefully - this could be an experience that could make or break your relationship

Oh my god...no ones actually said that before and it's exactly how I felt the last few weeks. It's so...wow. I know...

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother's behaviour. Everyone deals with grief differently...and some choose to lash out at other and try to blame everyone for a situation that cannot be blamed on anyone. My grandmother acts kind of like yours, but she has beginning Alzheimer's and/or dementia. It's an awful progression. She acts like I spoiled six year old sometimes instead of a 76 year old lady.

Are you still able to go to grief counselling? I hope your entire family is able to.

She's coming undone but she has a husband and a son...she can do that with everyone else BUT my mom. My mom doesn't need it...she can bearly get herself together to get through the day. It's a struggle for her and she doesn't need to be a rock for someone else right now. I really wish I could blame my nana's behavior on dementia or something else but it's just pure selfishness. She's always been like this...everything gets turned around into her. I could tell you some stories!!...you'd be amazed.

Yes, I need to call tomorrow because I went in and the doctor that did my assessment made me an appointment for Jan 10th. I said okie because I didn't want to bother him but I really need one before then so I'm going to go and make an appointment with the same lady my mom is seeing. She'll know the backstory so that might make it easier and from what i've heard from my mom she's very nice and a very good doctor.

Oh Reeka my dear, I wish I could actually be there to help you through this, but I do understand just a little, my husabnd is going through a rough patch with his Mum not being here for Christmas.  It is so hard, and I understand your attraction for a little normalcy.

At this point I don't think you should worry about moving to England, I think you should just focus on healing and learning to live with you loss.  It is far too soon to really think about one more huge life change.  Deal with the here and now, and you will feel when it is time to make the next big step.  Trust me things will work out and things will get back to some sort of normal routine.

Hugs my friend.

Hugs, Erika.  You're doing really well and you will get through this. 

First of all, I just wanted to say that this is an issue between your mom and your grandma.  They're the ones who need to deal with it and try very hard not to let yourself get sucked into it.  They've been dealing with each other for years-it'll sort itself out or it won't.  But you need to think about you.  Yes, your Mom needs your support and you're a wonderful daughter, but at the end of the day she's an adult and she has to find a way to get through this herself without relying on you to smooth the way.

You also have to remember that sometimes funerals and grief and the feelings that go with them just bring out the worst in people.  Try not to rise to anyone's game playing.  Just stay neutral.  Chances are everyone will look back in years to come and be horrified at how they acted, but it's no use making a difficult situation even worse than it is.  Don't let yourself get drawn into the petty stuff. 
Just keep concentrating on what positive way you can keep Brit in people's memories and lives-like maybe making a memory book for you Mom for Christmas or your cousin and her little girl.  I know it's difficult but probably once Christmas comes around you're only going to feel like observing it in a very low-key way anyway.  Maybe look for something you could do like volunteering or going to church that will be different, get you out of the house but still be a way to recognise Christmas. 

I do know what you're going through.  My brother died when I was 22 and he was 20.   It does get easier, but the missing part never goes away.  Try not to make any big decisions for at least 6 months to a year.  Otherwise you might find with time that you weren't thinking as clearly as you might normally.   

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.  You're an incredibly strong person and you will get through this.

See the thing is she's a psychologist...she should know how to handle death and her own feelings. She should know that everything she's done and said has been extreamly harmful not just to her but also to us, especially my mother. She had the audacity to compare her greif to my mom's and when I told her it wasn't even close she said that mine and hers were the same...I think not. We've learned to just deal with her being her and her selfish celf centeredness and let her do it but that day and this time is just not the time nor the place to be herself...I know that sounds mean but she really should know better.

I know, I'm not making any rash decisions. I'm just scared to leave my mom...but that's over a year away so who knows when the time comes how I'll feel.  He hasn't really been very supportive. He's not being mean or anything it's just he's not sure what to say to me. He's never dealt with death, infact I don't think he's ever had or known someone that's died. I was actually talking to my mom about this today. I don't think he's ever been to a cemetary...or a funeral for that matter. He's just not sure what to say to me to make it better and theres' obviously nothing he can say. We last saw one another in May, I miss him alot..

My friend is going into the same exact field and I believe I have heard her say is that you have to be a bit f-ed up, cuz I mean, you focus your energies into other peoples issues and im sure and often enough, your own emotions that you should be dealing with are put on hold and on the proverbial backburner, so that creates alot of issues...


Well...May is a bit of time...plus I wouldnt hold it against him if he is inexperienced with issues of death, etc. I can see from his point of view in the sense that it would be hard to comfort you at the distance he finds himself. And from the time you last saw him, I am assumming he didnt attend the funeral...and I kinda find that a bit odd(unless money is a big issue).

Reeka!  I'm so sorry!  You have so much on your plate at the moment.  I'd definitely say focus on your healing before you worry about the rest of what is going on.  Take a few deep breathes and focus on processing your own grief.  Many hugs!   

Hugs Reeeeka, I was just thinking about you wondering if you are doing ok. I am sorry you have to worry about all of this with your Nana and Mom on top of the grief and hard times you are already trying to deal with. Grief does have a strange effect on people and all people handle things differently. I am by no means excusing the way your Nana is behaving, and I hope in time she will come around and realize she needs to be supportive of your mom and the rest of your family. But I think it's right to say that is for your Mom and her to work out. Try to focus on you and getting through things for yourself. I know you want to take care of everyone else, but you need to make sure you don't neglect you in the process.

I agree you shouldn't worry right now about moving to be with Adam, give yourself some time to heal and work through the grief you are feeling before you make any big decisions about your future with him. If he hasn't even been through the loss of anyone close to him, I think it would be that much more difficult to know how to be comforting and supportive to you. I hope he is trying to the best he can.

As far as Christmas I hope you are able to celebrate at least in some small way with your family. If nothing else, but to get together and spend time with people that love and care about you. It's going to be hard no matter what, I wish you strength in making it through. I admire your courage and thoughtfulness for going out of your way to take care of everyone around you. But as I said, please don't forget to make time for yourself.

I am keeping you in my thoughts. 

I'm sorry to hear that you have been going through so much.

Your nana's behavior is awful, but sometimes people know how they should act but then their personalities and own feelings get in the way and they do things they shouldn't. Death can sometimes tear people apart and it can be difficult to mend those relationships. The hurt your nana has caused cannot be erased, but hopefully the time apart will help everyone.

I know it must be so difficult to know how much to be there for your mother. She does have your step-father, but it may mean more to your mother to have her other daughter around right now. I agree that you shouldn't change yourself or your plans too much, but by the time you are ready to move, she may do well enough for you to move, especially since she won't be alone.

Distance can make it more difficult to express sympathy. Does Adam have difficulty expressing his thoughts in words? The physical difference and his lack of experience with death may both explain why he is having difficulty knowing what to say to you. Actions speak louder than words and so many of those actions are impossible with the distance. Those times when people become silent because they don't know what to say can be filled with hugs and a comfortable shoulder to cry on when in person, but the silence can't be filled physically with the distance.

If Brit's favorite holiday is Christmas, would she want your family to not celebrate at all because she's not there? Would she want your family to have at least a small celebration? I understand not wanting a big celebration, and no matter what you do it will be a difficult day. It sounds like a nice idea to decorate Brit's grave.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

And from the time you last saw him, I am assumming he didnt attend the funeral...and I kinda find that a bit odd(unless money is a big issue)

Yeah the lack of money and he has no more time off work.

Distance can make it more difficult to express sympathy. Does Adam have difficulty expressing his thoughts in words? The physical difference and his lack of experience with death may both explain why he is having difficulty knowing what to say to you. Actions speak louder than words and so many of those actions are impossible with the distance. Those times when people become silent because they don't know what to say can be filled with hugs and a comfortable shoulder to cry on when in person, but the silence can't be filled physically with the distance.

You hit the nail right on the head. He's not one that finds it easy to express himself through words. I know that if i was there or he was here it would be a different story. He'd do what he could and knew how to do to try to make me feel better...hugs and just having his shoulder to cry on.

If Brit's favorite holiday is Christmas, would she want your family to not celebrate at all because she's not there? Would she want your family to have at least a small celebration? I understand not wanting a big celebration, and no matter what you do it will be a difficult day. It sounds like a nice idea to decorate Brit's grave.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

No, I don't think she'd want us to completely cut the whole thing out. That's one of the main reasons thanksgiving was sooooooo hard because she LOVED thanksgiving and was actually excited about it. A friend of hers asked her to spend it with her and she was like going on and on about my mom's cooking and how she wouldn't miss it.

thank you