distance and communication

My partner and I don't tend to have fights and I thought that we had amazing communication.  However, I have just found out that he is having some massive wedding jitters that have manifested themselves in some poor, though forgivable in time, actions.  I thought everything was fine and we communicated about everything, but somewhere along the way he got timid in expressing his worried and concerns about our relationship and now its all coming out in one big emotional, upsetting, tearfilled thing.   :'(

This wouldn't be as hard if we were still going to be apart and just had to talk through it and improve our honesty with ourselves and each other, especially when it concerns the bedrock of our relationship.

Right now I am really completely panicing!  I leave in 4 days to move over there and we will be married a month after that!  We both still want me to go, but now Im just freaking out about our relationship and rushing into something we may not be ready for and to be honest, we decided on very quickly.  Just a few hours ago I had NO DOUBTS, my coworkers threw me an amazing surpise bridal shower, and I couldn't wait to get the hell out of Dodge and get on with my life with my love - but now he is having serious jitters and concerns that I was unaware of until tonight because he didn't want to disrupt my apparent happiness when I was in lala land and wasn't aware of his worries.

Now all the feelings I have tried to avoid or rationalize myself out of - nervousness, fear, anxiety - regarding giving up my entire life in america have hit me 100 times more strongly than if we had been dealing with these issues over the last several months when we were planning this move and wedding.

He thinks the distance creates a problem with our communication, but I think thats rubbish because there is the potential for us to have been communicating all along, especially in those occasional 3-4 hour phone conversations that are very intimate.

I know this is rambly and a bit random, but I needed to write it because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to and  I am FREAKING out because all of my positive feelings about leaving have been replaced with nervousness and anxiety.  Ive realized that we have some serious issues in our relationship that must be dealth with, and will be so much better to be dealt with in person than on the phone - especially since we are committed to making this work.  But, alas, I don't know what to think or feel in the next four days.  All I can tell is that Im going to have a hard time sleeping. :'(

  Well i know its easy to say, but all of us have those types of emotions, some not as bad and some far worse.    All i can say to you is life is for living and if you dont give yourself and your future husband at least the chance to work through it which im sure you will do, then later on you will regret not taking the chance.    Cheer up and dont worry too much things will turn out much as you both wanted once your on the same little bit of land together.

lou, the best I can say here is...dont give up...it is very common for couples to be very nervous and doubtful to take that big step, let alone doing it with such a great step as two countries becoming one so to say.  

to not have any worries at all would be a big red flag to most... you have two different cultures getting ready to blend into one...mostly on your part of changing your way of life...

i bet that once you two are together in the same place, all will be fine and the worries and concerns will be dealt with... if not, then you two have a month to figure that out...  but I would not concern yourself... Love has a way or making things work out.

tom and i had horrible communication before he came over to get me...it was a matter of me trying to get my move organized...ceremony plans and leaving my job after a decade...i was to say the least, not the most romantic when it came to Tom's and my time together online or phone...and Tom was just as nervous, knowing that once he got on that plane to america, his life alone would never again be...he would be returning to the UK with a new partner and future wife... someone that would be invading his space and making his home their home...adding a woman's touch to his sacred space of motorcycle magazines, walking gear and no clutter at all...  I will not say it has been easy for either of us battling the occupational rights of the house...lol, but he is coming around to my view easily...especially when friends come over and say how much it is beginning to look like a home now.

basically, remember that both of you are making big changes in different ways...your worries and his worries are completely different...but they can be sorted and dwindled down to nada as long as you are together.

Big Hugs Lou!  and welcome to the UK in a few days.

Hope your inner turmoil has subsided a bit! It is natural for every person (even if you're marrying the boy who literally lives next door to you) to get "jitters" right before the big event. Some feel this more than others. If the two of you are marrying because being in eachother's lives on a day to day basis is good for each of you as you become more fully yourselves, well...that won't change even when minor concerns and "problems" pop up...(which they will, in EVERY relationship. Might be a five minute thought of "I really DO NOT like what my partner just said or did"...or it could be a major hurdle you both have to work together to get over)

Sorry...sounding like a marriage counselor, when all I wanted to say is take a deep breath and try to relax. You aren't just getting married...you're moving to a new home in a new country away from friends and family. All these are stressors, even if good ones, so take good care of yourself (like remembering to eat and sleep...easier said than done I know!)

And as far as distance affecting communication...sometimes my love and I have had minor "misunderstandings," just the nature of communicating over the internet. Telephone calls are better because you can clarify meanings right then...snuggling up with your honey and looking into his eyes while you talk is even better...which you'll be able to do in a few days! Good luck with your flight and everything...try not to worry!

thanks so much everyone for the support and advice.  It just seemed that if we had been talking about our worried and concerns over the last few weeks, yes it would be hard facing them, but not like this where it has been pent up and now just exploded.
I tried to put my worried out of my mind so I would not have any worried or concerns or nervousness about moving.  I just wanted to be excited and happy!  This is unrealistic on my part and I wasn't being honest with myself.  He, upon seeing me so excited and happy with not a care, didn't want to bring me down with his worries and concerns, so he kept his mouth shut.  

Because I have never been with someone so lovely and amazing as him, I think I just had this thing in my mind that our relationship is *perfect* and he is an *angel*.  This is an absurd thought because relationships don't go perfectly, people have to WORK at them and work through problems.  He obviously can't be an angel because he is human and he makes mistakes, sometimes big mistakes.

Its so much to consider and reevalute about ourselves, our perception of our relationship, and how we communicate about it, on top of packing and getting ready to leave and saying goodbye to everyone here and the idea of starting a new life.

I feel a bit better this morning, though I had trouble sleeping last night and even had some nightmares, but Im going to pull it together and do what I want to do, which is to get myself over there and sort ourselves out.

Hey Lou sweetie just wanted to offer some (((Hugs)))

   Once you are across the pond with your luv then things will be different.Its normal to have doubts before any major change in your life,and sometimes men do have a hard time expressing those feelings esp British men!(no offense anyone)

 Dont worry about the ramble bit;its what we are here for!Take a deep breathe because before you know it; you will be on a big jet going to start a new life with the man that you love

Just wanted to offer you tons of hugs Lou!  I think everyone has pretty much said what I wanted to.

thanks for the support.  it has meant so much at a time when I don't feel comfortable talking with friends and family because they don't understand the distance issues as much.
my df and i are sorting things out, and well, we are learning about ourselves and about our relationship.  We are learning about how to deal with problems between us when they arise and this is all new terrain!  We are both pretty young and have never been in a relationship as committed as this, we had never comtemplated marriage until the reality of us being on seperate continents set in.
this is going to be one enormous learning experience!

Lou-I hate to contradict what everyone has said here and be a downer, but I feel I must share something with you.

I was married for 3 years when I was in my 20's(way before I met Mr Snupy). Weeks before my wedding I had an uneasy feeling that something wasn't right. I wasn't excited or particularly happy. Everyone said it was just "cold feet".

Well, it wasn't. I knew the day after my wedding that it was the biggest mistake of my life. I was divorced 3 years later.

My point is..if one of you is having doubts, please take it very seriously. Especially if it's left you tearfilled and upset. Don't assume it will all work out because you are in love or that it is just the stress of it all. You say you are both very young and new to commitment, AND that you may have rushed into something you are not ready for-remember that marriage is a HUGE step. We tend to overlook that when we're young, and only realize it when looking back at our mistakes.

Is there any way you can discuss this further on the phone before you leave? Talk all night if you have to...but it sounds like this is something that shouldn't wait. Your physical presence shouldn't be necessary for you both to communicate effectively..

Just my 2 cents. I wish you all the best.

I appreciate your advice snupy and we have been talking about this.  A good friend of mine told me once that she went into her wedding day dreading it and unhappy and that her mother just told her that couples need to work things out.  Well, it wasn't just a little nervousness, but she knew she didnt want to go through with it.  She left him after just seven weeks.

I am aware of the different between a bit of nervousness and serious second thoughts.  We have been talking about it over the last twenty four hours and have been learning a lot about each other and our communication skills lately.  My mother, bless her, has been through two failed marriages and as she is my only relative that I will see before I go - she is giving me great advice.  She doesn't want me to end up as she did, secretly unhappy in a marriage.  She said that if I need to come home in two weeks or two years or twenty years to let her know and she will do whatever she needs to get me back home.  Thankfully I have such supportive family.  I know I need to get to London to see if this will work.  I dont want regrets and be both want it to work, so we are going to try.

Snupy, I do appreciate your honestly and the advice because this all is a very serious commitment.  I think that since we both genuinly want to make it work, that is good enough for me to get on that plane.  I know good intentions arn't always enough, and knowing that, it may be hard, but I can always get on a plane to come back.  I don't want any regrets - I would rather go for it and find out what happens when we come together, than to give up on it before we try.

Oh, I'm so relieved that you two have been talking about it and that you have a plan to come home if things don't work. Your mom sounds wonderful!

You seem to have a really good grip on the situation, a realistic approach, and the desire to make it work. Those are all great qualities, and I think you will come to the right decision.

Good luck-I'll be thinking about you!

Hi Lou sorry I've been away and missed most of this.  But I have to say that you are a remarkable young lady.  I'm very impressed that you are so mature at whatever your age is.  I can imagine that your family is proud of you.  

Seems to me that you are going for the right reasons - all the while knowing it might not end up as you wish it.  I for one am glad you are getting on that plane.  Best of luck to you and your honey.  Please let us know how you are doing thru your move.  ((((lou)))).

Lou, I know you've probably put a lot of hard work and planning into the wedding, but is there a way you can take that one pressure off? Go with the intention of just being together and not the stress of "this is forever". You need time to relax with each other, and get to know how it's going, to be certain you want to take that next step. Right now it seems you're taking that step blindly...and yes, one or both of you will panic.

I agree that pre-wedding jitters are probably a sign that a decision shouldn't be jumped in to. I went through a previous wedding knowing I couldn't cancel it because the invites had already been sent. Silly reason now that I have some history of what happened after the wedding. Sheesh, I can't even recall who came to the wedding!

Whereas my life now, with my husband now? I knew when I said "I do" that there would be no looking back. Then again, I came across with no intention of marrying...just getting to know him a bit better to see if that next step was right.

i can certainly understand your jitters.  i'm going over there to work and live with C, but the thought of uprooting everything and taking off over there makes me juggle my emotions--excitement, fear, etc.  i have honestly sat, deep in thought, stumbling over all of my worries.
and i can imagine yours are so much more, being that you are going to tie your life to this man forever.  it's possible he's just going through the cold feet that one experiences before a major life change.  you said you have a month before your wedding to spend with him over there...perhaps this time could be spent relaxing, enjoying each other, and attuning your lives....see how you tolerate each other on his "turf".
anyway, i'm no sage, so i try not to dispense advice, unless it's how to change a dressing or something     but know that at the very least, you are not alone in your fears--i had to stop worrying about it all and start buying peppermint tea--my stomach was in knots.
just try to think about fumbling your way past luggage claim and customs, and seeing his smiling face right there for you     

Lou-I'm dying to know how you are??


I hope things are going well...