advice sought: resuming a long-distance relationship

Not sure is this is the right place to post but here it goes.

Has anyone had the experience of moving back home and continuing their relationship long-distance?

My partner and I have been together for more than 12 years. We’ve lived together for about half that time, first in the US and now here for the past two-and-a-half years. In between we managed long-distance.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to adjust to living here very well and as a result I’m considering moving home and starting over. I wish we could both return together but it’s not legally possible.

The problem for me is that if I return, I feel we’ll have nothing to look forward to for the future. In the past, we worked towards finding a way to live together and if I go back now I’m afraid it will mean the relationship will be over because I don’t have a clue as to what should happen next (and I really don't want it to be over)

Has anyone managed to maintain a long-term, long-distance relationship?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

I think the first thing to ask yourself is what about being here is difficult for you. It sounds like culture shock, which is perfectly normal. If you can identify what is difficult about being here, maybe you can outline things you could do and changes you could make, with the help of your partner, to ease the difficulties and try and make staying here work.

You came here to be together, I presume. Relationships require sacrifices and relationships with people from two countries require sacrifices above and beyond the standard. You need to ask yourself what sacrifices you are and are not willing to make.

I guess ultimately you have to ask yourself how you see your relationship in the future? Is the LDR / non-LDR thing a pattern that you want to continue? If you have sustained going back to a LDR in the past, perhaps you are able to continue like that with your eyes wide open. You need to know for yourself if you want to stay together or not and in what format. 

Weighing up the pros and cons about being here vs. in the US may also be useful. You may also experience re-entry shock, as well.

It sounds like you having a lot of thinking to do.

I wish you all the best. Good luck whatever you decide.

Thanks for taking the time to write. You break the situation down very clearly and you are very right in that I do have a lot to think about. It’s the figuring out what to do part that’s tricky.

My wish would be for both of us to go back to the US but that’s not possible. Resuming long-distance mode would be the compromise and I was wondering if anyone had any experiences to share.

Sorry you are having to deal with this and really sorry the US is so backwards in their immigration laws.

As for the LDR, haven't done it myself but, if I had to, I would be sure to set some ground rules such as times to visit, talk or IM, etc. A friend of mine may know some people in your situation if you'd like me to inquire.

Are any other EU countries an option for you?

Sorry if this is a dumb question.. but why is it not legally possible for both of you to move to the US??

Don't get me started about US immigration laws!

The U.S. doesn't recognise same-sex couples so I can't sponsor him back home.

I've been kicking around the idea of another EU country but am nervous that I'd feel more isolated than I do currently -- specifically in regard to the language barrier -- but it is an option.

Thanks so much for the offer to ask around. That's very kind of you but I don't think it's  necessary at this point. Not really sure why I posted ... was probably hoping for some sort of epiphany or something.

Are any other EU countries an option for you?

What about Ireland?

Or the Netherlands? English is widely spken and the language of business there and the Netherlands has a lot of EU headquarters for businesses there, due to tax breaks. Also very sympathetic to same sex couples.

Perhaps you could both think about emigrating to Canada (a long shot and a long term strategy, but same sex couples are recognised)? Would one of you qualify for enough points to do so? See www.cic.gc.ca

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are experiencing such problems.  I can't imagine how frustrating it must be.  Best of luck in figuring out what your next move will be, and of course vent on here if you need it.

How long have you been in the UK? Where do you live? Just curious.

Hi Marlene -- I've been here for 2+ years and live in North London

What about Ireland?

Unfortunately, Ireland doesn't recognize same-sex couples.

Javee, I don't have any words of wisdom, but I sincerely hope it works out for you, whatever you decide.

Thanks so much for the offer to ask around. That's very kind of you but I don't think it's  necessary at this point. Not really sure why I posted ... was probably hoping for some sort of epiphany or something.

Just ask if you'd like me to. It's all about not feeling isolated. My friend is editor of the big gay paper in DC. They have covered stories like yours so probably know of more people than they care to in your (potential) shoes.

Jayvee -- it can work!

My friends (same-sex couple) have been together for around the same length of time as you and your partner... and 6 years ago they emigrated to New Zealand.  Mark absolutely thrived there, and Chris hated it and couldnt get anything to go his way.  So he has moved back to London without Mark, and they now have an LDR which seems to be successful.  They spend all of their annual leave together, so see eachother 3 or 4 times a year.   They both have careers that keep them very busy, so they dont spend a lot of time dwelling on it, or missing each other.   They talk on the phone and IM and look forward to each other's visits.  So it's working for them!

I'm saying as well that it can work.  My husband and I have that kind of relationship, due to the fact that he needs medical treatment in his home country of Sweden and, since I moved there at the age of 50, my Swedish is not as fluent as I would like and I need to work until retirement.  I live in London, he lives in Sweden.  We meet up every other month, plan holidays together, talk on Skype every night, start the morning with a text message or two.  We talk about the mundane stuff in life, like should we repaint the kitchen and what colour, he's doing laundry, I've done a grocery shop.  We were hoping he could move here after I got established, but the medical care he needs is just SO much better in Sweden and he's also looked around London and feels he just could not live here permanently for the next seven years.

It's not easy, but the time together is precious and we do love each other, so we are making it work.

Also, would another alternative be for you to wait until you become British, as options to live in the EU would then be based on your own right to do so, rather than that of your partner?  Maybe you might be eligible in less than a year? Depends on how you came here, though.....

Could you also do postgraduate study instead in the EU? Lots of universities have courses in English only, especially the Netherlands and the Nordics. Being a student may provide you with an infrastructure of support. 

I'm glad to see that not only can it work, but that there are lots of options for you!

Good luck! 

Thanks mapleleafgirl!
Very good suggestions but I'm afraid too old and not so much inclined to pursue a graduate degree (plus I have no way to fund it).

And thank you to everyone else who posted replies and suggestions. My partner and I have managed long-distance in the past, quite successfully, but the intention was to find a way to live together. I’m not sure how it would go without that goal.

I'm no where near making a decision but your support has very much helped the past couple of days – thanks again.