(Vent) My buzzkill family

Hi there, I haven't posted much on here because these forums are such a wealth of information that usually all I have to do is use the search tab and I find what I need!  So, thanks to all the people who have done this before me--all the info really helps out.

I've got 4 months to go until I see my fiance again...I'm really looking forward to it.  I'm meeting his mum and all that.  It's really keeping me going most of the time.  Nine months to the wedding right now and I'm feeling so down...my fiance and I talk on the phone every day, and get to see each other online thanks to webcams every once in a while.  My family is really driving me insane though.

I work for my dad, small business, and since I told my folks that I was getting married, he has been meting out my paychecks to me at the rate that he's now 2 months behind.  I'm totally broke, now that I've used up all of my savings to get by for the past several months, and not in the mood to look at wedding dresses or favors, or look up pricing for shipping my stuff to the UK once we're married, etc.  I'm in a small town away from all of my family and friends, and though I've lived here for several years, I suddenly feel like I'm being given the treatment of an out of control teenager who is having car privileges and allowance cut off.  Dad met my fiance this summer and thought he was GREAT.  Then started making all kinds of disparaging remarks to me as soon as the possibility of getting married/moving to the UK came up.  "He's 6 years younger than you, that won't look good to Immigration..."  "What if there's another 9/11?"  "What if he just moved to Canada instead, you guys wouldn't HAVE to get married that way, and you could see each other more often..."  "If you move over there you'll have to face the idea that the American stock market might crash, and you'll never see me, or your mom, or your brother or your dog ever again."  "What if you can't afford to bring your dog with you...she's like your baby, how could you DO that to her, it would ruin her life."

My mom is being totally cool, and open to talking about wedding ideas, but at this point, I'm lonely, I'm in a long distance relationship and missing him really terribly, and my dad is being...substitute any 4 letter word you like. 

My younger brother has turned to being melodramatic.  The last time I was in town to visit him, apparently I left a broken lighter on his coffee table.  The only reason I know this is because his roommate tells me he won't throw it away even though it's broken because "it might be the only thing that he ever has to remember me by."  He's called me up in hysterics crying (he is a grown man in his 20's) telling me he's sure that I'm moving away because I want to be as far away from him as I can get.

Obviously, I'm a grown woman and I'm going to base my decisions on what's right for me and my fiance.  It's just all of this guilt and melodrama and even fooling around with my paychecks that's coming from my family that has me so DEPRESSED about my wedding I can't even get into it right now.  I would have walked off any job where an employer held out on that much of my money that I've worked for and earned long ago, except that I didn't want some big explosive blowout with my dad...

I am thinking about giving my notice now, leaving at the end of December, and moving "back home" with my mom for the remaining time 'til the wedding, and just getting whatever job I can find, stocking groceries, delivering pizzas, whatever...just to be close to her since she is so supportive--plus being near some of my friends and having some people to shop for the wedding with and just plain hang out with would be nice right now. 

Blah.  I just feel like my sane, organized life has turned crazy on me and I feel very stuck and like there's not really anybody to talk to about it other than my fiance. 

Your dad and your brother probably love you very much.  But that doesn't mean you should be around either of them right now.  Your dad is being especially toxic because he owes you money!  Can you have a talk with him?  Tell him you love him very much but your mind is made up (don't even address his irrational fears and silly comments).  And it is unaccepatable and you want him to pay you as soon as possible.

I assume your Mom and dad don't live together?  Maybe you should start looking for a job right now in case your dad doesn't follow through on paying you.  Just don't tell your future employer that you're leaving in 9 months.

And start getting planning and getting excited!  Call your mom--she sounds great--and any other supportive friend.  Start planning now.  When people see how serious you are they sometimes come around and stop with their silly ways of discouraging you.

Your brother is being an absolute drama queen!  It's England not the Alpha Quadrant (or whatever). 

Your dad and brother are just... wrong.   

If I were you, i would be doing exactly what you're planning to do... get away to a more supportive environment, and have some fun!   

Your dad and brother are just... wrong.   

If I were you, i would be doing exactly what you're planning to do... get away to a more supportive environment, and have some fun!   

There--Q-G said what I was trying to say much more succinctly!

Okay, your brother needs to be told that everything in life doesn't revolve around him, because he's being absolutely ridiculous, even by 5 year old standards.

Your dad needs to pay you, regardless. You're going to need every bit of money you can get your hands on to pay for your visa and the costs of moving over. In addition to that, it's totally ridiculous that he'd employ you and not pay. As for his comments, the next time he makes any, try to stand up for yourself somehow. I don't know how your relationship is with your dad, so I wouldn't presume to say "you need to say this" or "that" but, if it were me, I'd just respond "are you finished? because each time you make a comment, I just ignore you." but I'm really not so shy of confrontation (and I have a very short temper ).

Whatever the case may be, Andee and Q-G are totally right. You should follow your instinct and go live with your mom. If you can, get your dad to pay what he owes you, and if he starts up with his negative comments through phone calls, just start hanging up on him or something. Maybe he'll eventually realize why you hang up

(or that could just be me losing my temper again, haha!)

Family can have a way of bringing you down.  I agree with everyone else...go where you're around people who support you and just look forward to planning your wedding and being with your fiance.  You will probably feel so much better once you're away from all the drama.  Good luck with that. 

Only thing to remember you by??? Your brother needs to put down that drama queen tiara and step away slowly. And your father trying to control you via the paycheck is just beyond the pale! Get thee to the labor board!

Next time your brother goes into hysterics, ask him if he needs a time out -- isn't that the usual remedy for when a toddler throws a fit?

Only thing to remember you by??? Your brother needs to put down that drama queen tiara and step away slowly. And your father trying to control you via the paycheck is just beyond the pale! Get thee to the labor board!

Next time your brother goes into hysterics, ask him if he needs a time out -- isn't that the usual remedy for when a toddler throws a fit?

I agree, its illegal not to pay your employees.

Wow.  It makes me feel a little bit more sane to get it out to some other sane people who aren't involved in the situation.  Thank you so much.  I feel like I've always been able to handle myself, and now that I'm vulnerable and going through the biggest change I've ever faced in my life, it's being used against me.  In a way it feels like the "toughness" that has always protected me just isn't there right now, or I just don't have the ability to deal with a bunch of extraneous emotional garbage.  Normally I don't care about the extraneous garbage at all--of course it's unfair when people dump it on ya--but it's ignorable, except right now it's potentially screwing with my ability to live with my husband once we're married.  The claws are out! 

None of this is new to my fiance, who is totally appalled.  (Duh.)  We had a good long talk last night about all of this again, and I've decided what I am going to do.     It's a big weight off my shoulders, actually.

I also have to say, that I have looked through some of the posts in the Surviving the Distance forum, and it has put this into perspective to me.  Of course it's a major issue for me right now, but it's temporary and I will get through it.  I'm so impressed at what a supportive community this is! 

Also, Andee--you totally cracked me up! 

It's England not the Alpha Quadrant (or whatever). 

I totally have a new saying!

I'm so sorry.  Parents and family can emotionally blackmail you in ways sometimes you've never even thought of.  It's insane.  The not paying you is illegal though.  It's good that you have someone who is supportive.  Sounds like you should spend more time with your mom.  Good luck.   

Also, Andee--you totally cracked me up! 
Quote from: Andee on Yesterday at 08:20:21 PM
It's England not the Alpha Quadrant (or whatever). 

I totally have a new saying!

Good!  Glad I could make you laugh!  But I've been thinking about it--I'm not a big enough Trekkie to know--but I *think* Earth  may be included in the Alpha Quadrant, so maybe it should be "the far side of the Alpha Quadrant". 

Also, just for the record, as if ages differences mattered *at all*, I'm 6 years older than my husband. 

Wow, talk about drama! Keeping a lighter? I would have laughed if someone told me that about one of my family members doing that.

My family wasn't exactly the greatest when I told them the news either. And I think you and I have very similar stories. I also work with my Dad, it's not my fulltime job tho. When I split with my ex my dad gave me a place to stay and instead of charging me rent he lets me live in the fixer upper house in exchange for working for him. I've always been daddy's little girl and he and I have always been very close and very good friends. He depends on me more than he would like to admit...more so than I depend on him. When I first told him he reacted by telling me I'm weak, talking smack about Mark(fiance), etc etc. He even threatened to kick me out of the house. Some of the things he said to me were so hurtful I couldn't believe he would ever say it to me. There were periods where I wouldn't talk to him at all. The thing is, he's so afraid of me leaving. He wants me to be around and he's afraid that if I move he'll lose me. I thought that meeting Mark would help but it didn't. What DID help was sitting him down and having a good heart to heart about everything. I let him know that I'm not abandoning him, that I want him in my life and that I'm doing what is right for MY life. I let him know that I can't and WON'T stay home and give up Mark just so he'll be happy. Once we came to an understanding he's been great about it. It seems like every time I see him he asks about how Mark is doing, gives me tips he's heard of from whatever source about moving, moving to another country, etc. He's really come around and now instead of trying to change my mind he's enjoying the time he has with me and I'm able to enjoy my time with him as well.

Moral of the story...take a break from Dad if you need to, move in with mom or whatever you have to do, but definately talk to him. It's at least worth a shot.

Good luck and try to get excited again!

I'm so sorry.  Parents and family can emotionally blackmail you in ways sometimes you've never even thought of. 

yes, my mother has lately been trying this tack. 

it's not working any better than it did nearly 20 years ago.