For those of you who moved to be with your SO ...

Were you worried about how your relationship would change now that you'd be around each other all the time, that is assuming you married? 

I guess for me, my bf and I are starting to figure our relationship out and how to end our LDR and one of my biggest fears is that our relationship won't work out.  I mean I think we'll be ok, but you know, uprooting my life, marrying and starting a new life with him AND in a totally new country.

I've thought that if/when it happens, I thought it would be useful to see a therapist to help with the adjustments ... is that strange?  Has anyone done that before?

Hi SFGirl82!

No, your concerns are not strange at all and it's never strange to consider seeing a therapist.  It may be a good idea to do that *now* while you're still in the US to sort out any "bumpy patches", etc.  After all marriage is a big transition even when your SO isn't British.  Why wait til a problem crops up?  Plus it may be more affordable to do it now in the US.

So, how long have you and your fiance been together?  With me and my SO it wasn't a very big adjustment because even though we had only known each other a year and 3 months when we got married, we already lived together when I came over for 2 long visits--one for 3 months and one for 6 months. 

Our relationship didn't change so much but sort of got deeper and we got closer.

Re-reading your post I'd say go for at least a few therapy sessions now to help you with your fears and also communicate your fears to your fiance.  Good communication and trust is so important, of course!

And welcome to UK-Y. 

I just read your first post in the Welcome section, so I can see how long you've known your SO, etc. now.

If you are still worried after talking with him, maybe consider going over to visit him for an extended period before making the commitment?  Even if for just a week or two?

I suggest either living together or traveling together, I hear that tests a relationship pretty well.  Once you've done that, make a decision.  Personally, I can't wait to live with my boyfriend.  Every time we get together it feels right, plus I absolutely despise being in long-distance relationships.  Last year I actually threatened to break up with my bf if we didn't get together, and I've kept it pretty clear that we have to get together every few months at least.

I agree time together helps, but it isn't the same as actually LIVING together. Paul and I were one of the lucky ones. We rarely went more that 3 months without seeing one another...and becasue he is self-employed he often came for a month or more at a time.

That said, the past 18 months have been a big adjustment. When you visit one another you are always on your best behavior...the little day-to-day things don't come up. You have sex alot because you are making up for lost time. You don't worry about the house work because you want to be together. You go out to eat rather than cooking.

When you finally start to live together as man and wife all those little things show up. Probably why LDR have a high failure rate. So yes I think seeing a therapist is a great idea. the other thing is making the commitment to tough it out though...alot to be said for that one.

Good Luck!

I was lucky enough never to have been in a LDR because I came over for Uni, met DH and just stayed.  But when I decided to stay we got a flat with 2 bedrooms because we honestly thought we would fight because thats what couples do, right? Well, the extra bedroom hasn't been used by anyone besides the cat in 18 months and has turned into a storage area because we've never fought and get on great. You never know how you'll get on when you finally live together but your fears are natural.

Yep, it was an adjustment for us as well (6 months transatlantic LDR then 9 months of living 60 miles apart and seeing each other 2-3 times/month, and now we've been living together for 6 months.)  I like my own space and I've never lived with an SO before so I was nervous, but knock on wood it's been okay so far other than the occasional disagreement (which are thankfully fewer in number now than they were in the beginning!) 

I kind of had the opposite experience to Chrissy- we live in a shared house so we both technically rent separate rooms, and that's been a really good thing.  "My room" is used mostly as our study ("his room" is our bedroom), but it's a nice place to retreat and just be by myself if I want to and not be all up in each other's space.

Time together really does help.  I moved over on a Visitors visa at first. (He supported me fully since I was not allowed to work)  I was here three months, went back and was planning on coming back a month and a half later.  He proposed at the end of the trip back to the US. (He came over for a week or so and we were traveling back together)

It really does help getting to know each other in a day to day basis and not just in short spurts of time. (At least it did for us)

I hate to say it, but if you have worries like that, I would think twice about making the move.

Personally, my experience that we couldn't wait to be together all the time! We were lucky as I was working in a family business I was ablet to go over to the UK for 3/4 months at a time, so we already knew what it was like to be together. But if I had concerns like yours, I would be questioning doing the move and the marriage. I would hold off until I was 100,000,000% sure that this would be the right thing for you!

I think seeing a therapist with these worries is a wise decision. 

I had all those worries - but most of them were immediately before / after the wedding.  (We got married rather more quickly than we had intended.) Heck, I think David and I spent the first few years in dread of the moment the other one would realise they could do better.  We're not quite so insecure now. 

Nerves are perfectly normal.  Sometimes they are a sign of trouble ahead, but frequently they're a sign of...nerves.   

Good luck!

That said, the past 18 months have been a big adjustment. When you visit one another you are always on your best behavior...the little day-to-day things don't come up. You have sex alot because you are making up for lost time. You don't worry about the house work because you want to be together. You go out to eat rather than cooking.

When you finally start to live together as man and wife all those little things show up. Probably why LDR have a high failure rate. So yes I think seeing a therapist is a great idea. the other thing is making the commitment to tough it out though...alot to be said for that one.

This is basically my story with my DB too. It does take a bit of getting used to living together and we have had some kinks to work out. I'd say it's perfectly normal to have some nerves. My nerves were more in the back of my mind though as a "what if" rather than a real fear if it not working out.

We have a two bedroom apartment, so we can have some space if we want, we both need time alone. We also have good communication from the distance and we are working hard to keep that up. We do argue less now than we did at first since we're getting finding a happy medium too.

I'd say that if your fear is more of a small "what if" than a big fear than you are off to a good start. The problem is you never know unless you try.

I don't believe LDRs fail any more often than IRL relationships. 

We've been together ... 4 years or so??  We've known each other 5 years.  Sadly, I can't think of a way for me to go over for a long visit as here in the US we only get 2 weeks off and it'd be difficult at my company to take a long vacation.  Things are kind of weird at work anyway right now.

The last year of our relationship has had its ups and downs.  See, for sadly 2 years we weren't able to see each other (yes, it's true) because of finances (both), him having to move back to the UK, school (me) and employment (both).  It was stressful and difficult.  When he was able to come out to visit, it was refreshing and made us realize how much we missed each other and want to be together.  And I think over the last year, certain aspects of our relationship have come up, well at least for me.  Things that I think might become an issue or are an issue for me that I feel need to be worked on.

It's hard right now as he's been working probably 60 hour+ weeks for his current job for the last ... I dunno, month and a half??  I know how stressed out he is and the last thing I want to do is tell him "I'm feeling ignored, pay attention to me!!!" because that will only make him more stressed and upset and things right now. 

I had mentioned to him a while back when we kept getting into arguments mostly over little things that maybe we could try online therapy.  I never got a response back from him, but to me, that might work at least to smooth out some issues between us.  Nothing massive like jealousy, cheating, abuse, etc.  Mostly just the old common problem of communication and understanding your partner.

I'm tempted to bring up the suggestion again of online therapy as doing in person therapy isn't realistic for us being in opposing countries.  I figure, the worst thing that could result from therapy is we hate it.

For me, I just want us to be on the same page about each other.  Maybe just make sure we're going in the right direction and clarify things.  Our communication isn't horrible but I don't think it's spectacular.  Just feel like maybe talking to someone might help us, or ME, feel more comfortable about the possibility of us being together.

And yes, my big nerves are "What if's" too.  I believe we'll work out, but I feel talking to someone might help calm my nerves and help me deal with some communication issues I have.

Sorry if I've rambled on.  It's all confusing! 

I understand what you are saying about communication and the need to talk things out to some resolution. It has been one of our issues as well. I don't know if it is a man thing, a Brit thing or just him, but until something gets to screaming bad he doesn't want to talk about it. Mind you scream bad is once a month or less so things are horrible, but it is something I have had to adjust to. And therapy...I don't think it is as big over here as in the US. So some of the things you are describing maybe just some cultural differences.

I know this comes up quite a bit - but I really don't think that "non-communication" is a guy or Brit thing.  I'm the US female in the relationship and I HATE to "talk things out".  My husband, however, loves to talk things out to death.

I don't believe LDRs fail any more often than IRL relationships. 

They don't tend to fail more frequently than close proximity relationships.

As for getting a therapist, if you feel you would need it, go for it.  I'd just be careful to choose one that is open minded about LDRs.  Just like in the general population, therapists have misconceptions about LDRs and what you need to do to make them work.  While technically this is an issue about transitioning to a close proximity relationship, they might view your relationship from a prejudicial POV even before you begin to address the challenges you want to address.

You have gone a long time between visiting, and that puts a stress on your relationship.  On top of that, it seems you haven't had the time to really connect while you've both been busy.  Take the time, even if it's for a day and it's online or on the phone.  Take the small vacation to visit or have him visit. 

I know in my experience, when my husband and I went long periods between visits, we had the most stress in our relationship.  We argued constantly, and like you, it was about relationship things and not major issues.  Why?  Because our relationship needed the nourishment and environmental stresses (he being between jobs, me losing a close family member, both of us not knowing when we'd really work things out to be together) were putting a strain on us as individuals and as a couple.

If you really more of a connection between the two of you and more secure about the health of the relationship, and you had definite plans for transitioning to a close proximity relationship, do you think you'd have as strong of a fear about moving?  This isn't to imply your relationship is in bad shape, just that it might need some chicken noodle soup. 

@peedal: ITA about the communication thing.  In my marriage, Mr. Moggs is much more into long discussions about relationship issues than I am.  I always found it funny that we had reversed the stereotypes about women and men.