is it really perfect?

'ive been reading a lot of great things on this site. kind of been my new addiction since finding it. its nice to read that other people understand what i'm feeling.

but what i haven't seen much about is the trouble it causes. does anyone else have arguments and fights because of the distance? how hard it is to make up because you cant even hug the person?

what about trust issues? has anyone had to deal with cheating? i haven't had to but its not like it would be hard to do it being so far away. my ex that i lived with for over 4 years cheated on me. sometimes its hard to trust that a guy across the ocean wont. my current boyfriend was there for me when i was dealing with the ex. so i don't think he would do that to me. but there are always what ifs

does anyone else have these kind of thoughts or is it just me?

also....he and i have only officially became a couple in january. and that was after almost 2 years of being friends. and spending 2 months together in england. so the relationship part is still kind of new. its a lot more pressure now then when we were just friends.

I think if you really read through this site you will find all kinds of things about people having a rough time with their LDR. Some people might just be trying to focus on the positive and not on the negative stuff that happens.  I know there's probably plenty of bad from me when my ldr ended.

Plus all kinds of visa drama/problems.  I went through it and I wasn't even in a LDR at the time. I can't imagine going through all of that while my significant other was 1,000's of miles away.

Of course it's not perfect. No relationship is. I think IME is right, we try our best to focus on the positives and keep an optimistic view. But if you read around, right here on the Enduring the Distance board you will find a lot of posts about the hard times. Being away from someone you love is never easy and the longer you are in this position, the harder it gets. In my case, feelings get stronger, goodbyes get harder and immigration laws get stricter and fees get higher. You sacrifice and struggle a lot of the time, but when you find love you are willing to do what it takes to be together and make it through. I know UKY was an amazing comfort to me when I first found it years ago, and after my boyfriend, it is my biggest support system in all of this. Good luck to you and your boyfriend.

Talk as much as you can. Skype the heck out of him!

My DF and I have it backwards -- he's the talky one. He phones or Skypes me, like, six times a day. First thing in the morning, once or twice during the day, several long talks at night. He replays his whole day to me, in painstaking detail. I'm a "how was work?" "Fine." kind of person, so it makes me a little nuts, but it's the right way to go in a LDR.

There were definitely rough patches -- especially at first -- but over time, we've gotten more and more like each other.

*knocking on wood* Luckily, I havent had to deal with truly negative things over the course of my LDR. We havent been in the situation to have argued. So having to make up over the phone hasnt been an issue.
As far as trust is concerned, I believe it is all about how my partner makes me feel by the way he treats me (even if it is only over the phone). Stoatula's advice about skyping the hell out of him is right on the money. Talk, talk, talk. That way you feel closer to him and like you're a part of his everyday life. At least that is how it feels for me.

Keep ya head up

Oh my goodness no.  LDRs are hard.  Sometimes they attract criticism, sometimes there's distrust in them because of distance.  But, it doesn't have to end up that way.  Most of the relationship is talking, and that can strenghthen it.  The leaving the significant other can be excrutiating.  It can be worth it though as we have loads of happy couples on here who made it through LDRs.     Loads of people here are in or have been in the same position, and are happy to help you through. 

It's not perfect, of course not.  There are rough times and times when you miss each other like crazy.  When you do have little disagreements it sucks to not be able to hug each other when you make up.  But you get through it.  You spend what time you can "together" even if you're physically thousands of miles apart. 

Here's hoping you and your boyfriend have as sucessful a LDR as Alex and I have (five years on since our first date happily married and expecting a baby any week now) 

LDRs are hard work, but so is any relationship. I think one thing to recognise with a LDR is not/cannot be an indefinite thing and there are not a plethora of options other than marriage. You need to mentally accept those realities I believe going into it. I had been badly hurt by another LDR (and it was not international so our options were much easier) so I let DH know from the beginning that it was put up or get out. We spent a year and half in LDR and that was longer than I could handle (although others can manage much longer). I think that communication, honesty and Vonage are super important. We IMd and talked on the phone (free thanks to the Vonage) for several hours each day during those 18 months. But I still had the same insecurities you spoke about...and so did he. But on the bright side, sex is better in LDR.

My husband is a very nice man, and we never argued the 4 years we chatted before meeting.  He is a human being, however, and once I got here I learned how to read his nonverbal clues and know when I've upset him.

My warning about long distance relationships:

No matter how close the two of you feel as you conduct your relationship over the phone, email, letters, pictures etc, and no matter how many shared emotions, shared tastes and values, private confidences, love talk, promises, and talk of the future you are both planning, face to face this person may not be capable of handling a relationship on a nitty gritty daily basis.

I REALLY thought I knew my now-ex. We literally knew each other our whole lives, and were not just recently-met or internet-met or from a dating site. I had emigrated to the States during our twenties; we remained in touch. WE KNEW each other and both of us -- at a "safe distance" I now realize -- thought we loved each other, the whole nine yards, love of our life, blah blah, we thought we were a regular "The Notebook" case. (Without the Alzheimers. YET...)

I have never felt so much sheer TRUST that somebody loved me so steadfastly that nothing would lessen once we finally got to be in the same damn country once more. I mean he was completely believable. There was NO doubt in my mind that everything he said he felt and said he wanted was true, unwavering, and unstoppable.

Then as the stress of the actual arrangments to move me over set in, he started to allow his weird issues to rear their heads. By the time he came over to visit, he was passive aggressively acting out and picking fights. We made up -- AFTER he was safely 6,000 miles away once more. Which I'm realizing now was ALL HE COULD HANDLE.

NOw I'm here and he has completely made sure the relationship is in the TOILET. WE are through. What he was not facing about himself is that he can't "do" true intimacy. He hasn't even managed it with any other girlfriend but CLAIMED that that was because it was me he was carrying a torch for. Well he got me and failed to handle THIS relationship also, just like the others.

I came here for him, we are now broken up amid great pain and heartache, and I'm homeless over here.

The lesson is, no matter how much you think you have come to know someone and trust that this long distance love is going to work out IN PERSON TOO -- you DON'T KNOW if the person has deep seated issues with that. I never thought mine did. But he did. He could only "love" me as long as it was all just pining and LDR and Oh honey but when we are finally together.....BE CAREFUL.

Yes, it's different for everyone, I think!  When we were LDR'ing, DH and I squabbled more when we were apart & the longer the separations lasted.  When we spent time together, we got along great - and we also traveled places together, which was for us a good test of how we got along, not only in our respective homes - but also somewhere foreign & different for both of us.  I spent a month over here at Christmas/New Years 2003/04, and I think that is what sealed it.  DH just missed me too much after I went back to the US that time, and I was moving over 3 months later.  The first 6 months leading up to the wedding here were occasionally fraught with nerves and OMG - we are living together 100% of the time now - lol!  But we got through it & never looked back.

Just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary in August.  Next month marks 6 years from the first time that DH emailed me for the first time.  January marks 6 years from the first time we met face to face. 

Yes, it's definitely different for everyone.  We were pretty much inseperable from day one, but after 3 months of me visiting him in the UK we both agreed it was time to spend some time apart with plans for me to return in the not too distant future.

The time apart is what made him realize how much he missed me and so I returned for a six month visit.  He asked me to marry him during that visit and now we have been married for almost a year.  We do argue a little bit once in a while (it's normal!), but usually over insignificant things.

We haven't done much travelling together yet (but I think that would be great for us) other than to Ireland, but that's familiar territory for us both so it doesn't really count.

We both are of the school of thought that, "when you know, you know" and "there's no point in waiting"  He *knew* he wanted to marry me and felt at this time in our lives there's not much point in waiting (we're not 25 anymore!) so let's just get on with it.

My heart is sad when I read the experiences of Midnight'sMom and others and I agree "be careful", but it can and often does work out for the best, too.

My heart is sad when I read the experiences of Midnight'sMom and others and I agree "be careful", but it can and often does work out for the best, too.

I agree. 

I'm glad that other people have had some arguments. Sometimes i feel like I'm the only one that has any. He and I aren't sure how to handle being apart. I handle it better then him i guess, but its still hard.

I want to go over for 4 months, but he is worried that I won't get into the country. Someone told him that if i don't have enough money they wont let me in to visit. So now we keep arguing about how long i should stay.

It just never seems easy for us. I feel like we will be stuck like this forever.

I must be the only one, but when I was in my LDR with my now husband of nine years, it was the most exciting time of my life! We never fought, and to be honest, 11 years on, we don't really fight at all!